Everything Falls

Have you ever had a ground- shaking Jesus moment? If not, I highly reccomend it.
But I do not, however, reccomend having such whilst driving down the highway at seventy mph.

What can I say? I take life when it comes.
My problem with God is surrendering. I think I can handle everything, when I can really handle almost nothing at all. I'm stubborn. I refuse to acknowledge that God knows when I'm holding back, even though He does. I pray occasionally, I sing the loudest in the pews at church, and I think it's enough.

I'm one of those people who does everything possible to appear Christian-like most of the time. I don't drink, smoke, swear, or sleep around. People know I'm a Christian. But I don't think I know it sometimes.
I read the Bible, and it passes right through me. Not making any detours along the way. I pray, and it's just words that come out of my mouth, not words that come out of my heart.

I worry SO much about what people see me as. Like as long as I seem like a good Christian, God will just let me slide with the fact that I'm actually not. I cover up my face with makeup, and I cover up my soul with pretty words and song lyrics.
This is not how it's supposed to be.

I remember a time when I fell before God, in awe and in eye-opening awareness of how little I was. I was face down on my bedroom floor, pleading that the God that gave me life would somehow give it to me again. I cried out for Jesus because I had no other choice.
Now, I've grown complacent. I think that just because my mother isn't depressed anymore, because my father isn't screaming and my sister isn't in her room crying, that I don't need God. I think I've got it down.

Then somehow. In a word, a song...I realize how totally not down I have it. I'm an actress in a sea of people just like me, just less well trained at putting on a happy face. But I'm done. I can't be truly happy or satisfied with myself until I lay it before my Jesus. I'm over wittnessing to people and not even listening to the words coming out of my own mouth. I'm through with singing songs that make people cry for Jesus, and missing how it feels to be on the recieving end.

So here there it is.
My ground-shaking moment in a few paragraphs. If you are reading this and you believe in God, pray for me. If you're reading this and you don't believe in God (Although if that were the case you probably would have left after the first few sentences), then just consider the possiblity. Just for me.

Love so much,
Anna

Call me Ghandi.

Was it Ghandi who gave up speaking? Or did he just give up food?
Bah. Nevermind.
Just call me Anna.

They say humans are creatures of habit. Maybe that's what my problem is, I'm in the habit of being unhappy. So I'm done.
Goodbye, habitual depression. Hello, cock-eyed optimism. Because all this stress is starting to affect my skin clarity.

I can't wait to get out of this town. The importance of "where," exactly, has fallen to second place because of the importance of just leaving in general. I need new people, a new start. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. Very much. But the routine of highschool life is wearing on me. I'm so busy all the time, I have no time to be myself.
Whoever that is.

If I make it to the end of next week without (another) breakdown, it will be a true miracle. All state honor choir is lurking in the front of my brain like the creepy man at Walmart. Lurking. Stressing me out.

I went to music today, and one of my teacher's old students, who is now very successful with a minor in music/Latin, came to hear me and help me with my Latin pronounciation.
I opened my mouth to sing, and almost cried when I heard what came out of my throat. I was flat, I was sharp. I was terrible.
My voice has quit on me.
QUIT. GONE. GIVEN UP.
So I'm not going to utter a word for the next 24-48 hours. I need my voice to return. Like, by Monday.

I'm texting this guy my lovely girl Amber is trying to set me up with. He's a little more ghetto-ish than I usually go for, but he's fun so far. I'll let you know how it works, or doesn't work, out.

I'm spray tanning and painting my nails. Hit me with your best shot.