Olay Mees.

So I've been at college almost a full month now. It isn't what I thought it'd be, but it is at the same time.

It's been a whirlwind. The chaos of trying to figure out how grown-up I actually am, or am not. I've been so lonely, and then I've been wishing to just be alone. I've cried until my throat stopped up and then I've laughed until I couldn't breathe.

I've discovered several new things about myself already..not huge things, but new anyway.

- First, I'm not really that social. In high school I always wanted to be out, doing stuff. But lately, more times than not I've found myself in my dorm room not wanting to hang out with anyone at all.  I just want to sit, cuddle up in my bed, and watch Face-Off on my laptop. This may or may not contribute to my next new thing:
- I'm so strange. No really, I am. I talk so much, and it just freaks people out sometimes. They don't know how to respond to me. I've been in situations lately where I feel like I'm just the oddest person there.
- Guys aren't interested in me. Now this one isn't such a deal, since I'm already in love and such. But it's just an observation I've made. I'm just someone to be friends with, if anything. I've heard and seen girls go out with several different guys already, and I haven't even been added on Facebook by anyone except some middle-aged man. I don't know if I transmit some "I'm in a long term relationship" vibe or what.
- College has not been good for my self esteem. I don't feel that pretty anymore. I mean, I don't think I'm gross or anything. But I haven't had a day where I look at myself and go "Anna, you look really pretty today" in a really long time. I feel like a little kid compared to most of the girls here. Granted, I do go to the college voted #1 in beautiful women in the US. But I used to feel more special than I do now, if that makes sense.
- High school had spoiled me. I had grown accustomed to people loving me, and making me laugh, and knowing everything about me. I was good at things. I was the best at things. I knew how to make people smile and how to react to things. Now I don't know anything. College is so much harder than I had expected. I miss my friends so much that it's an ache. And the scary thing is that I don't think any of them are that torn up over me. They're all moving on and making new best friends, going out and doing things every weekend. And I can't seem to? Maybe I smell funny or something.

Not that I haven't made any friends, because I have! It's just taking longer to develop full-time friends than I thought it would. I'm not taking as easily to all this as I always assumed I would. Everyone always told me that I would make heaps of friends right off, because I'm so good at talking to people. But I really don't feel like I  am at all sometimes.  But maybe this is all just a test? Who knows. I think I'll be okay in the end, but these next few months may not be the smoothest.

Okay, sad time over.
I  do, however, love my classes. My teachers are excellent, and they're all genuinely concerned about us. I think I'm doing the right thing with my education, at least.

And my roommate is wonderful. She and I vibe so well. We laugh and we watch Gilmore Girls and we eat dill pickle chips. We just got a futon and everyone loves being in our room. Although sometimes the people can get a little loud.

Speaking of loud people..

I think I'm getting to the point in college where I just don't want to deal with people that bug me. I feel like this place is big enough for me to not have to, right? That probably doesn't help my recent lack of social skills..but I still think I shouldn't have to babysit people anymore. But some of the only people that have been trying to see me all the time are the ones that I want to NOT be around. Whyy. Maybe I walked under a ladder as a child or something? Or maybe along with the "in a long term relationship" and the "weird girl" vibes I also send out "I'll be nice to you even though you grate on my nerves" signals also.

I didn't mean to complain this whole time. But I guess that's what it turned into.

But thanks for reading all of it anyway.

Love,
that weird girl with the funny hair.

Nonsense.

So these survey notes used to be all the rage on Facebook, but they've gone away in the past year or so.  Out of curiosity, I started looking at my old notes to see what my opinions had been. This one is from a little over a year ago. I'm going to re- answer these to see how I've changed in the past year. The ones I leave the original answer to I'll put an asterisk by.I know you people really don't care, this is just for my amusement.

Do you wear: alot of makeup, some makeup, no makeup: Some makeup. None here lately.

Whats your favorite makeup?: Concealer. 

Could you go out in public without make up?:Why yes.

Do you do your nails oftenly?: oftenly isn't a word. But yes I do.*

What color are your fingernails?: Naked color?

How about your toe nails? Lavender.

Heels or flats? Heels.*

Eyeliner or mascara? mascara*

Lip gloss or lipstick? lipstick.*

Eyelash curler or tweezers? both please*

Vans or converse? It's a tie.

Nike or adidas? I had some adidas perfume once that smelled AWESOME.

Myspace or facebook? Facebook ...haha Myspace.

Pink or red? Red.

Black or white? White*

Rock or pop? Rock*

What color are your socks? I don't have any on*

What color is your bra? This is awkward. Invisible-colored?

Are you wearing skinny jeans? Nope.*

You think you set or follow trends? Neither. I just wander around.

Have you ever done something just to fit in? Maybe when I was younger*

Do you go to the mall oftenly? There's that word again. And no*

Do you have many friends? I do, gratefully.

Do you dislike any of your friends? Sometimes? 

Whats your BESTEST friend's ever name? KristBranmber.

Have you ever had a down moment with that person? I have.

Most memorable moment with that person? There's too many*

Who was your most recent missed call from? I just cleared my recent calls. Whoops.

Who was the last person you called? Brandon, I'd guess.

What does your 5th message in your inbox say? "I'm trying! D:"

Who was it from? Kristi Dawn.

Single or taken? Isn't that just the question of the hour.

If so, by who? *

What color are your eyes? Green/blue/gray*

Whats your favorite color? I dont have one.*

What song are you listening to right now: My Man - Barbara Streisand. 

Do you like to dance? Of course.*

Do you like to sing? All the time.*

Do you believe in:

Do you believe in love at first sight? No. Lust at first sight? Sure.

How about true love: Yes.*

Do you believe in bros before hoes? I would if I were a guy*

Are you a whore? Not that I know of.

Are most of your friends guys or girls? girls* 

Favorite candy? Reeses Fast Breaks**

Favorite ice cream flavor? Anything Ben&Jerrys*

Ever cried yourself to sleep? HA. You bet your bottom dollar I have.

Ever slept on your computer? nope?*

Longest you've used your computer? no idea.*

Whose your #1 top friend? I don't have top friends.*

Favorite smiley? The one with the teeth showing.

Are you addicted to something? Music.*

Do you consider yourself a myspace freak? not at all. *

Do you edit your profile oftenly? NOT A WORD. and yes.*

Rock or pop? Rock. You already asked this.* 

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Nah.

Do you want to? That would be quite foolish of me. Since I'm like -5 pounds and all.

Have you ever thought about having sex? Well duh.*

Have you ever waited soo long for something you wanted to happen so bad: Haha yes. But it did happen eventually. After about six months.

Are you content with your life? For the most part. Most days.

Who is your role model? Hmm. Jesus.*

Whats your best physical feature? Either my smile or my eyes, I think.*

Your worst physical feature? Hmm. Me and my legs have issues sometimes.

Are you racist? Not particularly.

Are you a sexist? nope.*

Do you discriminate? With some things.

Are you ashamed of talking to someone or being seen taking to someone who isnt as popular as you? Um, no? I'm no cooler than anyone else.*

Do you talk crap? I try not to.*

Have you ever talked crap? Yes I have*.

Do you care about what other people think about you? sometimes, even though I shouldn't. *

Have you ever not been yourself to impress someone: Maybe.

Have you ever done yourself VERY pretty with so much makeup and a whole different outfit to make a guy like you? Nope. 

Have you ever betrayed someone? I hope not. *

Water or soda? soda *

Coke or pepsi? Coke. *

Look behind you, what's there? A wall.

Have you ever been rejected or dumped? Yerp.

Have you ever thought about how school would be like if someone didnt go there? Sort of.*

Do you hate anyone? I don't 

Do you love anyone? Yes.

Have you ever gotten drunk? nope.*

Would you pass a drug test? I would.

Whats your locker number? I honestly don't remember.

Do you have good hygine? yessirree.*

Have you ever danced infront of the mirror? Yes. Lots.*

Ever checked out someone from the same sex? Why sure. Though not in a sexual way.

Ever slept outside your house? yes. *

Been to a sleepover? yep!*

Peed in your pants WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, TODDLER? NOT THAT I CAN REMEMBER. WHY ARE WE IN ALL CAPS??*

What's your wallpaper? I don't have it.

2nd person on your contact list? Allie W.

Laptop or desktop? Laptop

Ever asked for money? Sure.*

I know you all just loved that. Thanks for reading. Love you.

Anna

Facebook. A love/hate relationship.

All my posts have been so serious lately, so it just occurred to me to write a bit on a lighter subject. The one I've chosen is Facebook, and the things about it that drive me a little nuts.

And before anyone starts with the "well if you hate it so much why do you still have Facebook?" nonsense, I'll clear it up. I love Facebook. It helps me keep up with people I care about. It's just all the other foolishness that annoys me. Take it all with a grain of salt, if you will.

So here goes.

Things I hate about Facebook:

1.) All the people that demand I "like" something "if" something. 

For example. "LIKE IF YOU LOVE GOD AND KEEP SCROLLING IF YOU LOVE THE DEVIL."
I'm all about spreading the Good News, don't get me wrong. But my Lord in Heaven is not gonna meet me at the gates one day and be like "You know, Anna. I woulda let you in. But you kept scrolling on Facebook that one time. Hell and damnation for you. Hope you dont mind the smell of sulphur."

Or a picture of a kitten with one eye and three legs: "LIKE IF YOU HATE ANIMAL CRUELTY, KEEP SCROLLING IF YOU'RE HAPPY THIS KITTEN GOT BEAT."
To that I say, I'm so sorry that kitten is not happy. And if that same one-eyed, three-legged kitten hobbled up to my doorstep, I would keep it. Name it Cyclops. And love on it for the rest of its poor little life. But me "Liking" a picture on Facebook does not a thing but blow up my notifications for the rest of eternity. So go on away with that stuff. Don't tell me what I have to do. This is America.

2.) "Your" and "You're"

I know it's sad that this is second on my list. But I am a self-pronounced grammar nazi. When I see posts on Facebook like -

"ONE DAY YOUR GONNA COME BACK AND REALIZE WHAT YOUR MISSIN AND I HOPE YOUR HAPPY WITH THAT HOE. YOUR MAMA EVEN SAYS YOUR GONNA MISS ME CAUSE IM A REAL WOMAN AND YOUR NEVER GONNA FIND SOMEONE BETTER."
...
It is so hard for me not to troll them. I literally have to sit on my hands to not comment something like "Maybe YOU'RE single because YOUR grammar is painful."

And people say, "What is the difference, you know what I mean. It doesn't hurt anything."

The English language has already been so massacred by the U.S. that it is all we can do to try to salvage what we can. It isn't that hard. And it makes you seem so intelligent when you use it correctly. One of the reasons I started dating my last boyfriend is because of his excellent grammar and conversation skills.

"Why can't the English learn how to speak?"
 - My Fair Lady


3.)  The "guy posing in front of bathroom mirror with no shirt/shirt pulled up with a caption like 'i go hard bruh'" phenomenon.

STOP. Please. I don't care if you have abs like that dude from Immortals, you automatically become a doucher by choosing this pose. I'm sorry. Not an actual one, but that is certainly what you seem like.
To the women who post encouraging comments on pictures like these? Don't. If you think he is "sexy fiyyynnee" then message him about it. Don't encourage the foolishness.

P.S. You "go hard"? With your toilet in the background and your little sister's Dora The Explorer toothpaste on the counter? Please, tell me about life on those streets.


4.) Girls who put up pictures of themselves and caption it "Ew I'm so ugly."

Ladies. We all know you think you were hot in that picture and you want someone to tell you so you'll feel better. If you argue against a man's compliments long enough he will STOP GIVING THEM. No matter how fantastic of a person he is. So cut that crap out.

And if you honestly do think that was an ugly picture of you, I will share some advice.

When I take a picture of myself, and I think it is gross...here we go, the advice... I DELTE IT. I do not put it on a social network site to see how many people agree.


5.) People who don't have a single picture of themselves on Facebook.

How in the world am I supposed to tell who you are if all your pictures are of animals, witty sayings, or cars (Are you a transformer or something? No.)?  Just don't expect me to add you if you're being shady with the pictures. I will either think you are
A) a terrorist/ pedophile from another country only adding me to later kidnap me and make me a slave or
B) Someone's grandmother who can't work a computer and is only adding me to stalk

It is FACEbook. Have your face somewhere on it.


6.) Statuses or posts where I have to click "Keep reading"


Just summarize. We're all too lazy for that unless we really like you.

7.) Over-editing of pictures.

We don't need you to write your name all over all of your pictures. Your name is right there beside the profile picture box, we know who you are.  And if you aren't taking pictures in the pitch-black dark, the night vision editing isn't necessary.

8.) "Hacked" Facebook accounts.

Let me explain something. Getting on someone else's Facebook account because they forgot to log off is NOT "hacking." Hacking implies effort. And if you are on someone else's account, at least make it interesting. Don't just post a cute status.

9.) Names that aren't names.

I know your mother did not name you "TayTay TheeMosSwaqq&&GorgeouzessTrixEvah Johnson"
Cause goodness knows that would have been terrible learning how to spell in kindergarten.

10.) The Duck Face.

Quack. Quack.

11.) The "date or pass" game. 

I am willing to BET that this game has never found anyone their next serious, committed, loving relationship. It just gets a bunch of creepers in your inbox.

This goes for most Facebook games in general.




And with that, I'll stop. I could continue, but I might end up just sounding too cranky.
Thanks for reading my rant, let's all do our part to keep Facebook users sane.

Love,
Anna

AND HHIIIIIEEII WILL AHLWAYS LOVE YYEEWW.

I realize that this blog is mainly so I can talk to myself. Written by me, for me. Maybe no one reads it at all.

And that is just okay.

About a week ago, I was blessed to go on a mission trip to Nicaragua. I fell in love with the country, and the people. Those who are given so little but have such big hearts. We managed to do a lot of good in that little village, and for that I am grateful. I realize I've got one of those "hearts for missions" I kept hearing about. Scary but true.

On another note.
I've realized lately how little is certain in life other than dying and paying taxes.
God will never leave me or forsake me.
...but I don't know much else. Everyone else has the full potential to leave me AND forsake me at any given moment. And I just have to deal with that fact.

I have a friend who dated this guy for a year and a half. They fully intended on getting married in less than five years. And all of a sudden, two weeks ago, he "needs time away" and has a new girl crush.
Boom. Gone. I fully believe that God has a plan for my friend that involved this happening, but that didn't make it any less unpredictable.

 Being in love with anything is a helpless, drowning feeling. And I happen to be in love with several things at the moment that I have no guarantees with. No assurances, no strings to keep the waves from smashing me off of my little island of sanity. It is absolutely terrifying. But it's also a high I've never been to before, this having-so-much-to-lose thing. I used to think anchors in my life would hold me back, but now I think they're just helping me keep my balance until I have a surer standing.

But this new place in my life has a few negatives. The main one is me turning bat crazy.

Like sack-full-of-nine-cats crazy.  I was crazy before. Now I'm just flat out unstable. Is this an early-life crisis that happens to people other than me? I used to be more laid-back about basically everything. But those anchors I talked about? They've got me standing straight up. Is that a bad thing? Surely there was going to be a point in life where I realized I couldn't be apathetic about everything, I just didn't know it would come like this or this soon. God bless you people that keep dealing with me anyway.

It's a weird time for me. Some things are getting farther away and other things are closer than I really want them to be. I know I've said this about 56782 times in some form or another. But it's still on my mind, so I'm still gonna blog about it.
I move into college in 46 days.
Days.

Until this isn't where I actually live anymore. When I think to myself "Gosh I'm tired and ready to go home," "home" isn't going to be where it's been for the past eighteen years. Does that blow anybody else's mind? I have to learn a new address. I have to live with someone that I've never even spent the night with before. My mom isn't right down the stairs and I can't keep squeezing myself into the chair with my daddy at random times.
Instead of an hour and a half, my boyfriend is going to be almost three hours away from me. My friends are going to be about five hours away in several directions. I'm not crying about it, I'm just totally zombie-fied when the subject comes up.

I'm gonna get over it. Honest. But until then I will blog about it, because as I'd mentioned: this is basically me talking to myself anyway.

And on the subject of college, can I just go ahead and discuss that I do not, in fact, give two flying cares in the world about the Ole Miss vs State arguments. Just because I'm going to one of them doesn't mean I care at all about the football team or lack thereof. Just thought I'd mention that.

...

I miss my little missionary friend girl, Amber, and I hope she's having a ball in her homeland.

I miss my daughter, Abby.

I miss my sister because she's always not here.

I miss my graduating class. Some of them, anyway.

I miss my grandaddy more than I even anticipated.

I miss my boyfriend and not being all at his throat all the time.

I miss Sardis Lake Christian Camp.

I miss the Waldrip sisters.

I miss Glee.

I miss my normal sleeping pattern.

...

With that, I'll go. If you've read this far, you're either amazing or just a figment of my imagination.
So thanks.

All my crazy love,
Anna

New Ways To Fall Apart.

Wow, it has really been a while hasn't it? Two months, really.

And what a two months they've been. I've officially graduated high school. No more familiar faces in the classroom, on campus. It's all new territory from here on out.
I'm not as scared now as I was. I woke up the morning after (or the next morning after that, rather) and realized that the world hadn't actually ended like I thought it would. My friends still loved me, my boyfriend wasn't gone. I was the same as I had been the day before, only with a diploma.

I wonder when (or if) I'll be able to look around my life and go "Here. This is it. This is where I was supposed to end up."
Does that moment happen? Is there fulfillment in any of it? At what point do you start looking back instead of stressing over what's in front of you?
How much change can a person go through before the desire to settle in anything, anywhere, is gone completely?

But I have changed. Not in the ways I had expected to, but changed nonetheless. I am not wise, nor do I think I'll ever really be, but I'm wiser than I used to be. It took everything crashing at once for me to realize that I wasn't standing quite as tall as I'd figured.

I miss my granddaddy all the time. The first time I drove out to his house after he'd died I couldn't make myself go in the door. I had to leave. Once I'd made myself go in the house, rounding the corner to the living room made me feel like I was going to faint. I know everyone deals with loss, but he was supposed to be invincible. You know? Bigger than everything else. Now that he's gone, the things that seemed big aren't really anymore.

Like graduation. It seems a little anti-climatic now that it's in the past. I cried during the whole thing, but I didn't cry about it afterward. I'm gonna miss parts about high school, for sure. But I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with the fact that if I'm alive on August 15th, I'm going to be moving into college. I just am.

But as for now? I'm happy. I have beautiful friends. A limitless (sort of, anyway) future. A boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and a Savior that already has all the cards.

So here's to the next two and a half months, and me filling them with as much love of life as I can muster.

Thanks for reading,
Love,

Anna

The God who gives, and takes away.

I'm really starting to slack on my blogging, and it isn't for lack of things to talk about..but more a lack of time to type. As Spring starts finding its way onto our porches and into our thinking, I've been here..facing challenges twice my size and recieving blessings greater still.
Let me elaborate.

On the blessings side - I'm not one to make my love life into a big motion picture or anything, but just excuse me for the next few lines.
I'm the luckiest I've ever been with this one. He's changed the way I see relationships, and the way I've expected to be treated in them. He makes me smile, and cares about me with more tolerance and understanding than I've ever handled before. I'm just thankful. Though he's had to deal with a lot from me lately, I'm afraid.

For instance.
In my last post, I believe I mentioned my grandaddy being sick. Well on March the 21st, 2012, my loving grandaddy got to go see Jesus. It was his 82nd birthday. The Sunday before that, I'd been to see him. He couldn't talk, but he kissed my hand and told me all I needed to know. The last audible thing he said to me was "I love you."
He wasn't hurting, and he wasn't scared. He was just tired. The preacher at his funeral said that God calls us home when He sees that our earthly bodies are no longer fit enough to carry our souls. And Lord knows my Grandaddy had a soul four times as big as the body he'd been decreased to, so that may be true.
What had really kept Grandaddy here for this long is his wife, my Grandmama. They'd been married for sixty-one years, and I have never seen such love. They "fought" all the time, but it was really just them being silly. Grandaddy's favorite story to tell was about when he decided he was going to marry Grandmama, and how pretty she was. She'd always just sit on the side of his chair when he went on about it, and shove him when he told her she was still just as pretty now.
The night he died, my daddy and grandmama were with him. Daddy said that grandmama had gone to the bathroom, and while she was in there Grandaddy had stopped breathing a few times. But he didn't go completely until she was back out of the bathroom and holding his hand. I think that didn't just happen.

I hope I get a marriage like that one day.

I miss that man so much. He was such a genuinely kind person, and he never once complained. Not when his legs and arms failed him, not when he couldn't care for himself at all anymore. He was just smiling and trying to make people laugh.

If you pray, send one up for my grandmama. She misses him more than any of us put together, she hasn't had to be apart from him since she was nineteen. She has dementia, so she's confused most of the time. He grounded her, and we're all worried what'll happen since her anchor has gone.

My grandaddy was an elder in the Church for over twenty five years, and he would always end his prayers with "and when our time on earth is done, may You give us a peaceful hour to depart."
And he got his prayer, praise God.

Be thankful, stay hopeful. Don't let the darkness pull you under.
Love,
Anna

Adult Anna

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote! I probably should have been writing this whole time, it may have helpe me maintain my sanity. At least a little bit.

My family is sort of in chaos, but not even the normal kind.
But I'll get to that in a second.

Senior year has flown. I find myself having little panic attacks when I look at the "countdown to graduation" thing on every white board at school. So much change should not be forced on a person all at once, if you ask me. I'm scared about it. Excited. But mainly freaked out.

No one warns a person how much they have to grow up. You don't sit down with your five year old and say "Now honey, you're going to be forced into situations and making decisions that you just aren't ready to make here in a little while. Get ready!"
Nope. I never got that speech, though I should have. Being a grown up is tiresome.

Why are you having to act grown up? , you may ask. So here I go, with the first thing I mentioned.
Family chaos.

Last week, my brother had a reaction or something that resulted in him having a seizure or something similar. Dear Lord, that was the most scared I have ever been. I hope I never feel that helpless ever again, though I know that is a vain hope. He was on the floor and I couldn't get him up.
For those of you who know me, you know that I'm the one who gets people up. That's just the way I am.

But I couldn't this time. Everything in my brain just shut off. It was like the twilight zone. I don't even remember screaming, but I must have because mama and daddy came running in. Then I just shrunk back into the other room and cried. Thomas is all better now, but with no thanks to me.

Then later that week, my grandaddy had a stroke. This man is my favorite. And I've always been his favorite, even if he never said it out loud. And now he's probably about to leave me and I know I can't handle it, so God's gonna have to carry it all for me. I've had to wear a brave face, because when I start crying it turns into hysteria pretty fast. Then every one else is crying, and nothing is accomplished. So I keep my tears to myself, like a grown up is supposed to. My grandaddy has been sick for so long, I know he's ready to go hang out with Jesus. But I'm not ready for him too. Neither is my grandmama or my dad. So these next few days or weeks is gonna be mostly for us.

I could go on about how short life is, and how sad it all can be. But that wouldn't be very grown up of me.

Before all this chaos, though, I went to New York. I'll never forget any of it, the whole trip was a blessing. I got a new car recently, and I have people all over that love me. Not everything has been all darkness and rain, not at all. So don't leave with that impression. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Until next time though,
Counting my blessings,
Anna.