Olay Mees.

So I've been at college almost a full month now. It isn't what I thought it'd be, but it is at the same time.

It's been a whirlwind. The chaos of trying to figure out how grown-up I actually am, or am not. I've been so lonely, and then I've been wishing to just be alone. I've cried until my throat stopped up and then I've laughed until I couldn't breathe.

I've discovered several new things about myself already..not huge things, but new anyway.

- First, I'm not really that social. In high school I always wanted to be out, doing stuff. But lately, more times than not I've found myself in my dorm room not wanting to hang out with anyone at all.  I just want to sit, cuddle up in my bed, and watch Face-Off on my laptop. This may or may not contribute to my next new thing:
- I'm so strange. No really, I am. I talk so much, and it just freaks people out sometimes. They don't know how to respond to me. I've been in situations lately where I feel like I'm just the oddest person there.
- Guys aren't interested in me. Now this one isn't such a deal, since I'm already in love and such. But it's just an observation I've made. I'm just someone to be friends with, if anything. I've heard and seen girls go out with several different guys already, and I haven't even been added on Facebook by anyone except some middle-aged man. I don't know if I transmit some "I'm in a long term relationship" vibe or what.
- College has not been good for my self esteem. I don't feel that pretty anymore. I mean, I don't think I'm gross or anything. But I haven't had a day where I look at myself and go "Anna, you look really pretty today" in a really long time. I feel like a little kid compared to most of the girls here. Granted, I do go to the college voted #1 in beautiful women in the US. But I used to feel more special than I do now, if that makes sense.
- High school had spoiled me. I had grown accustomed to people loving me, and making me laugh, and knowing everything about me. I was good at things. I was the best at things. I knew how to make people smile and how to react to things. Now I don't know anything. College is so much harder than I had expected. I miss my friends so much that it's an ache. And the scary thing is that I don't think any of them are that torn up over me. They're all moving on and making new best friends, going out and doing things every weekend. And I can't seem to? Maybe I smell funny or something.

Not that I haven't made any friends, because I have! It's just taking longer to develop full-time friends than I thought it would. I'm not taking as easily to all this as I always assumed I would. Everyone always told me that I would make heaps of friends right off, because I'm so good at talking to people. But I really don't feel like I  am at all sometimes.  But maybe this is all just a test? Who knows. I think I'll be okay in the end, but these next few months may not be the smoothest.

Okay, sad time over.
I  do, however, love my classes. My teachers are excellent, and they're all genuinely concerned about us. I think I'm doing the right thing with my education, at least.

And my roommate is wonderful. She and I vibe so well. We laugh and we watch Gilmore Girls and we eat dill pickle chips. We just got a futon and everyone loves being in our room. Although sometimes the people can get a little loud.

Speaking of loud people..

I think I'm getting to the point in college where I just don't want to deal with people that bug me. I feel like this place is big enough for me to not have to, right? That probably doesn't help my recent lack of social skills..but I still think I shouldn't have to babysit people anymore. But some of the only people that have been trying to see me all the time are the ones that I want to NOT be around. Whyy. Maybe I walked under a ladder as a child or something? Or maybe along with the "in a long term relationship" and the "weird girl" vibes I also send out "I'll be nice to you even though you grate on my nerves" signals also.

I didn't mean to complain this whole time. But I guess that's what it turned into.

But thanks for reading all of it anyway.

Love,
that weird girl with the funny hair.