Busy!!

Which is why I've been neglecting my blog lately..I apologize!
But now, I'm here, and the party can continue:)

School is kicking my BUTT. I've had homework every night so far. Plus dancing, ballet, piano, voice, and showchoir..I may not live to see senior year. I feel like my brain is in a near-constant state of confusion. So if this entry makes no sense, I apologize in advance.

I am starting to like someone, but I don't want to tell him and make things all weird. So for now I'm just remaining silent on the matter. The guy of my last few entries is no more. He dissapeared. Must have lost intrest, I suppose. That's usually the case of guys with me. They are just oh so inamored by me for about two weeks, then they just drop off the planet. I think it must be some sort of curse with me.

On a completely unrelated topic, I got SO mad today. More so than I have been in years almost. I was shaking, I was so furious.

To make a long story short, a huge group of guys was loudly laughing at a kid who reminded me of my brother. Maybe that was why I got so inexplainably angry. It was so creul, I wanted to cry for the kid. What was worse, he thought they were being his friends, and that they just thought he was funny. I was so, so insanely furious. I almost shed a tear out of my eye, that's how bad it was.

And even though this wasn't a long blog entry, I'm getting sleepy. So until next time,
Anna

Gosh, my head hurts.

As I'd imagine anyone's would, if they had as much in their brain as I do. Life lately has just been filled with things for me to needlessly worry about.

I slept until noon today, which was wonderful. My friends wanted me to go out with them tonight, but I severly needed my lazy time. This past week has almost been too much.

School is ridiculously hard this year. It's like the administration has realized we're almost out of the system, so they figure they might as well start teaching us as much as humanly possible. If I make it through the year with my 3.7 GPA, it'll be a miracle.

In other news, my brother left for school again on Friday. I must admit that it's quieter around here without him. I worry so much about him over there at that school, with all those huge boys and drill sargent teachers. I've always been protective of him, even though he drives me crazy on occasion. My sister has gone back to college, so it's just me here. I'm not cut out to be an only child.

On the dating front, it's all gotten confusing. The guy I've talked about recently is falling out of the picture. I've decided that he isn't right for me...plus, he's off at college. I'm not stupid enough to think he won't be hanging around dozens of other girls. I'm to see him tomorrow, and I'm ridiculously unsure about it. Part of me want to avoid him entirely, which I obviously can't, in good conscience, do. But I digress.
Now to relay my thoughts on another subject..

It's terrible how the one guy I know of right now that is a great guy, attractive, and likes me, is the one guy I can't see myself with. I just don't get why my brain/heart works the way it does. Who knows, maybe one day I will wake up and have feelings for him, but not today.

I read a book today, which helped to calm my system. There's nothing like a novel to escape your own life for a while.

Now, I must try to sleep. Although I'm sure my attempts will be unsuccessful.

Hasta luego.
Anna

Random blog time.

It's been a long day. Quizzes, tests, and showchoir practice. But I'm here to blog about more important things.
Guys.

In case some of you don't know, I haven't kissed a guy.
Everyone done gasping and being shocked? Okay, then I'll move on.
That fact used to bother me, but I'm fine with it now. I don't feel like any kind of failure, or some sort of prune. I realize I could have kissed someone by now if I'd put my mind to it..but here's my thinking.

I am quite sure that when I want to kiss someone; I will. But I just haven't met somebody I want to give that too yet. Maybe people think I'm dumb for holding out, but I tend not to care what other people think.
Not to say that I haven't been in love; I have. He lived hundreds of miles away, and lied to me through his teeth, but I loved that boy. And I compromised so much for him, I'm ashamed to tell people about it. I said things to him that never should have come out of my mouth in a million years. He told me he loved me, and I believed him because I needed to. I needed to tell myself that it was okay to say what he wanted, because he loved me.
We haven't talked in over a year now, but I swear it still hurts to think about him. I believed him that much. I wasn't anything to him, but he was my everything. I feel sure that if he had lived closer to me, I would not be a virgin right now. That is how blind I was.
I say all that to say this:
I'm different now, and I don't ever want to be like that again. I don't want to get so far gone that I lose sight of who I am. I haven't "dated" anyone, because I needed to be sure of myself first.
Now that I am, I look around and I don't see anyone who stands out. I don't want stupid relationships anymore; I don't want to just fall for someone who doesn't even know where their own ground is.

People say that you should live while you're young. But since when does "live" mean "waste life"? I don't want normal. And if that means I don't kiss someone til college, then so be it. I don't want to regret anything.

When my future daughter asks me "Mama, who was your first true love?" I want to be able to look at my husband, back at her and say "He's right over there, honey."

Maybe that makes me silly.

Just to let everyone know..just because I haven't kissed a guy does not, by any means, mean that I don't think about sex. Cause I freaking do, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I'm sixteen, my brain just goes there occasionally.

Anyway, that's where I am with myself. All in all, I'm content with it.

I know my blogs are bipolar; I can't help it. In my defense, I'm on my period and mood swinging.

That's all for now.

Love,
Anna

I don't know where to start.

You know how it feels when you think you have everything in place, then someone jumps in and blows it all up?
That's how I feel at the moment.

There's this guy. I've known him for a while and always thought he was cute..but Tuesday we started texting. Now I don't even know what planet I'm on, I'm that confused.
I like him. Well, I think I do. I like the him I know so far. He's funny, cute, honest, and completely sweet. I didn't think I could ever see myself with him, but there's just something about him that confuses that notion too.
I find myself happy to see his name pop up in my phone, my face gets red when he looks right at me. I just don't know anymore.
He's not my "perfect guy", true. But he's mixing me up.

When he tells me something, I believe him. I've believed guys before and ended up broken, but I can't help it.

I don't know how we'd be able to make anything work out. He's going to college next week, after all.

Maybe I'm just psyched out, and this is nothing. Maybe I'm just hormonal and crazy. Maybe this is just another failed attempt,
But what if it isn't?

I'm scared of relationships. I'm scared to let anyone close to me, because I don't know what they'll think if they look too closely. I'm scared of messing things up, and of being used. I distance myself inmedietly from anyone who gets too interested.
But I have to jump sometime. I could die tomorrow, and never get another chance.

I can't live my whole life in a corner by myself and then just get married randomly one day. I've got to chill out, and let people in.

That's all I have for tonight..
Love,
Anna.

Weekend blog.

The weekend started out badly, since my period had me curled up on my bathroom floor like I'd been shot in the abdomen..but things could only go up from there, right? And they have..slightly, anyway.

I slept most of the day today, which was fine with me. When I was awake, I texted people.
One of whom was the guy I mentioned earlier. I still don't know about him. He calls me "babe" and "darlin" and "sweetheart" like he's liked me forever, but we just started texting this week? Part of my brain thinks he's just lonely and talking to the first girl he thought of. I think he just wants someone, and who it is doesn't particularly matter. He showed up on my Facebook newsfeed talking to some gorgeous girl(s). Just talking, but saying some of the same stuff he says to me all the time. Which sucks. I know I don't have any kind of claim on him, but it still bothered me. I'm probably stupid for that, but there it is.

I was driving home the other day, and I just got this "stop trying to date in highschool" thing in my head. Out of nowhere, there it was. I got freaked out. I still don't know if that was God or what..I guess I'd better figure it out.

I've realized that I don't need a guy to feel good about myself, and that is a total accomplishment for me. I used to be in the whole "I'm ugly, boys don't like me" mentality. And that was NOT healthy, let me tell ya. Now, I can honestly say that I'm alright. Sure, some days are a little lonely; and I wish someone wanted me in that way..but most days? I'm good. I figure that God made me the way I am, I should just learn to accept it.

On that note..this guy? He says he wants me. But he wants too much too quickly. He expects me to know whether or not I like him like, yesterday. And I don't know. I don't even know if I'm supposed to date anyone right now. So I have no idea what to do.

I should go to sleep, I've got church tomorrow.


Adios,
Anna

Boys, Boys, Boys.

Act like you mean it.
Keep your brain in your head and out of your pants.
Respect me.
Make me feel like a queen.
Don't make me just another name in your contacts whose name you check when sending out flirty messages.
Show me how different you are.
Love God more than anything else..including football.
Don't tell me you love me after one day- I'll know you're lying.
Tell me the truth, even if you don't want to.
Tell me I deserve it, even though I won't believe you.
Treat me the same in front of your friends as you would alone.
Quit trying to get me to have sex with you, it's not happening.
Share your dreams with me.
Don't just say it. Prove it.



So that's my list. In no particular order, and the things don't necessarily all go together.

I thought I'd go on and get it out of my brain, it was wasting space.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow- I will grab the world by its collar and tell it to stop screwing with me.
Tomorrow- I will look life in the face and tell it to leave me alone.
Tomorrow- I will kindly remind fate that nobody asked it to butt in.
Tomorrow- I will surprise the people waiting for me to fall.
I'll show them that I've had too many yesterdays to learn from.

I don't know why I'm thinking of this..

But while I am, I'd like to take a breif moment and discuss how people tend to make wrong assumptions about me.

The first, most often occurring misconception about me is that I never do anything wrong. That, for the record, is bull crap. I've been known to be a terrible person, and me feeling as if I have to state that aloud is proof of the fact that people have terrible powers of obseration.

Just because I don't do some of the more common "wrong, bad" things doesn't mean I'm innocent. Au contraire, I'm very guilty. Guilty of, as it were- "sin against God and against man". On a regular, recurring basis. I mess up. All the time. For people to put me on any sort of pedestal is ludacris.

Some people, I think, would gladly encourage the misconceived aura of perfection I've been assumed to have. But not me. I refuse to be thought more of than I am. See me as me..imperfect, sinful me.

Folks think I can't have fun because I don't mike, drink, or have sex. They think I'm "too good" to have a good time. I don't know why, but that gets on my nerves.

To put it plainly, in case any of you were wondering; I'm not perfect. Not even close. So stop it.


P.S. I'm sorry for the big words and long sentences. I read a book earlier, and it set me thinking in that tone of voice. I'm weird like that sometimes.

It's me again, down here.

Again, I'm in a weird mood- for no reason at all.

As I was driving into my driveway earlier, I thought about the time I wrecked my bike and my daddy carried me all the way back to my house. Sometimes I wish life could be like that. When I wreck something, someone just picks me up and carries me. But no.
When I have wrecked plans, wrecked ideals, or wrecked relationships..there isn't anyone to carry me. Jesus is always with me, of course, and He helps. But I have to get up on my own and walk back to the starting point. Sometimes that's a lot harder than the actual wrecking part.

Speaking of wrecks, the guy I thought was perfect for me..isn't. Shocker. I don't even know what happened. Maybe the end was coming all along, and I just had my eyes closed until the last few seconds. But he had so many great things about him, I just ignored all the not great parts. And as I found out, ignoring something doesn't make it go away.

He was so mature in his faith, it was sexy. He did devotions every day, prayed, tried to seek God. Completely hot. He was funny, smart, able to hold an intelligent conversation. But he was also a flirt, had a huge ego, and didn't think I was worth explaining himself when he'd disappear for weeks. And I ignored it.

I'm mostly over it, now. I've just realized that the next time I try to give my heart to somebody, it's gonna be for real. No looking back. And that means I have to be extra careful who I throw it to. Heartbreak is a messy song that I've had to sing more often that I should've. I didn't guard my heart, and now it isn't quite as whole as it used to be. I just tend to fall fast, and hard. I don't stop and think, or question it. And that's a dangerous tendency. So I'm going to be careful this time. When God has someone for me, I think He'll give me a heads-up.

Last night I dreamed I was a mother, and my son played guitar..my daughter was still little, but she had the prettiest laugh. What I never saw was my husband..I knew (in that weird feeling you get in dreams) that I did have a husband..I just never saw his face. Freaky.

Most sixteen year old girls don't think about what their husband will be like, but I guess I'm weird like that. I have all these dreams for my life, all these hopes. Who's to say if that's all they are? I guess I'll know when I get there. Today, I'll just worry about today.

School starts tomorrow..and I don't know how I feel about it. Exited, but scared..anxious and nervous.

Tonight (well, last night. It's morning now) was fun. I went out with two of my friends. One guy, one girl. I've decided I need more guy friends; they're great.

I really should go to sleep now..my last day before junior year started about forty-five minutes ago. But first, while I'm thinking about it..

My parents are hard on me about grades. I consider myself a generally smart person. Last year I had four A's and one B. I speak intelligently most of the time, and I write a pretty good paragraph. But my parents aren't satisfied. They're already on me, and school hasn't started yet. I guess this year I should really try, since it's one of my last chances to prove myself with highschool.

And now, I'm really going to go to sleep.

Goodnight..or rather, good morning.

Love,
Anna

It's been a weird weekend.

So I'm in a weird mood.

I went to a friends house after showchoir practice Friday, along with five other girls. And it was there that I realized; we're not the same people we were in the sixth grade. Not only are we more attractive on the outside (thank goodness), our insides are different too. The things that we had in common that forged our friendship are disappearing. The only question is- do we have enough new material to continue the song?
We graduate in a year and a half. We're going to go off and live our lives. And that makes me scared. I don't want to grow up, because I'm scared that means growing apart.
Sometimes I look around at my friends, realize how different I am than all of them, and I freak out. We're all such different people. Things aren't the same. I piddled around and sped through my childhood.
Now's the time when people start looking at us and expecting us to decide for ourselves, make our own way, know right from wrong. We have to start being our own selves, or get lost in the crowd. I know all of my friends are making their own way, but I'm terrified that the way I'm headed doesn't end up the same place theirs does.

The girls I've had as best friends since Elementary are changing, and so am I. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Sometimes I think that I must be.

School starts next week. The beginning of my junior year. I'll start touring colleges, taking the ACT, go to prom. I can't believe I've gotten this far in life and not noticed until now. I look at these people I've known for years, and it's like I have smoke in my eyes. I can't see past so far, because I don't know them like I used to.
I honestly can also say that none of them know me like they used to, either.

I'm scared, because I can't see what comes next. I can't fathom what life will be like this time next year. All my constants are variables all of a sudden. I don't know what my next step is, or if there's even ground to catch me.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? I sometimes think that I must be.

I can't wait to turn eighteen..

And get the heck out of this house.

I just spend the last week babysitting my brother on that God-forsaken trip, when I could've been somewhere else, doing something I'd rather do. But I went because my parents wanted me to. And the thanks I get?

Confinement to the house. Not because I've done anything wrong, but because my parents say "it wouldn't kill you to spend some time at home". Correction: it might just do exactly that. I hate being here, stuck in this house. For no reason at all. They say "we just let you go to Branson for a week, you need to stay home for a while!".
She LET me go?! I had a CRAP time, and she holds it over my head like it was a sacrifice for her?

I am a reasonably good daughter. I don't do drugs, drink, have sex, or stay out all night. I tolerate my insane brother, and I make good grades. As a reward, I get the guilt trip everytime I want to leave this Hellhole.

It isn't fair. My sister runs off to Oxford every weekend, but God forbid I be gone two nights in a row. She's off screwing her boyfriend, and I can't even go to the movies with my friends. My brother gets to act like a dang crazy child in public, buy I can't spend the night with a friend.

And whenever I try to point any of this out to my mother, she cries and is all "well I don't know what to tell you, you don't have to think it's fair". Then she goes off, cries, is ticked at me, and makes me feel miserable for telling her what I think.
I wish my concience would let me just all-out rebel, because I think it would wake my parents up to how lucky they have it.

But no. I won't do that. Because I'm a good daughter, even if I don't get any credit at all for it.