I'm about to kill these people.

All of them. I'm sick of being in enclosed spaces with people that aren't my family. In my brother's case, I'm sick of being in enclosed spaces with someone who can't just behave himself.

We're heading home today, thank God. One more day and I'd be forced to commit a violent act of some kind. I swear, if my brother doesn't shut up...

I'm a woman on the edge. These folks should stop pushing me.

Dear God, let this bus ride go by quickly.

-Anna.

God, Branson, and sleep depravity.

Okay. So for the past week I've been in Branson, Missouri with my youth group for Student Life. It's been a long trip, so I've got a lot to blog about.

I really got closer to God this week, and I learned a lot about the people in my youth group. Some things I could've done without knowing.

The speaker was awesome. He made some fantastic analogies.. He was Iranian, so he was always making jokes about terrorists.

My throat hurt this entire week. I think I must be seriously sick or something. I've also had a nearly- constant headache, but that might be because of my brother.

You know a little about my brother, right? He is the most socially insufficient person I know. He doesn't understand how not to be completely weird. There haven't been any major disasters this week, I've just been stressed. I worry about people making fun of him; I worry about what he'll say in certain situations. I'm scared he'll embarrass me, or hurt someone's feelings, or say the wrong thing and get punched. I worry about all these things because they are totally feasible. He doesn't know right from wrong, it's not his fault.

People don't get it. I get so mad when people make fun of him, because they can't understand why he is the way he is. It also ticks me off when people act like he's stupid.

On another note, I'm so sick of these people in my youth group, I could scream. They're all nice people, but I'm tired of being around them. I need a break. I miss my house, my parents. When I get home I don't plan on going anywhere for at least three days.

There were cute guys there, but we didn't get to associate with them. We had to spend the whole day with, yes, our youth group.

Speaking of cute guys, I'm done with the one I've liked for the past month. He's stopped talking to me, and I'm too young to sit around waiting on guys. He's still hot though, God bless him.

Now I'm on the church van, headed to Eureka Springs to watch the Passion Play. I'm exited about it, but Im also ready to get the heck home.

I'm sitting in the very back, and it is hot as fire back here.

But I'll talk to you when I get back to my homestead.

Lovelovelove..
Anna

My first blog on a real computer!

So normally I use my phone to blog, but today I'm on the laptop!

I am SO tired. I thought I was tired yesterday, but no. Today, I am tired. I get one day at home, then I'm off again. Speaking of which, I think I'll complain a bit about that for a while. If you don't mind.

If I make it through the week, it'll be a miracle. I'm already not feeling well, and I haven't even left yet. I'll have to be watching my brother all the time because my Youth Minister, while being a very nice, well-meaning man, couldn't control an elementary schooler. As a result, I'll be baby-sitting all week.

Another thing is the other people going. I don't know how much my patience can take.

Maybe it won't be so bad. I invited one girl I know, so maybe I'll be able to tolerate more.

I'm just too tired to write anymore. Sorry folks.

Love,
Anna

Hello, exhaustion.

Gosh I'm tired. If someone came and attacked me right now, I doubt I'd have much of a reaction; because all the adrenaline is gone from my body.

I'm not just physically tired, I'm emotionally drained. I've been so over emotional over the past few weeks that now I'm just done. Getting excited seems like a foreign concept.

My friends and I went to Six Flags today! (even putting that exclamation point drains me) We went on four roller coasters, and that was basically it. On the last one, I blacked out for a second or two; so that turned me off towards coasters for the rest of the time.

Speaking of my friends.. They're all too pretty. I feel bad about myself just walking in a room with them. I don't consider myself ugly, but compared to them I look like a twelve year old. Everyone tells me I'll be thankful for my young looks later, but I don't care about later. Right now it's lame.
I mean, is it too much to ask for some boobs already? I'm sixteen, and still completely small. People tell me I'm big "proportionally" but just not compared to anyone else. I hate it. I don't feel sexy or pretty, I feel like people think I'm still in Elementary school. I'm seriously considering a boob job when I get old enough.

As for guys? Well, to them I'm "cute" or "beautiful"..but it's never enough to make any of them stick around for any length of time. It's not exactly an ego boost.

Next week I'm off to Student Life, and I'm completely worried about it. I'm scared my brother will act up and I won't be able to stop him, I'm scared of making people mad at me(long story), I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate on Jesus at all while I'm there because of all the other things going on.

Summer is almost over, and I've become no closer to where I wanted myself to be this time last year. It's scary. I feel like I'm racing against time or something.

I could cry, but I couldn't give a logical reason for it. I'm just being sixteen. My emotions are the only things that go along with my age.

I'm tired, have I mentioned that?

Later,
Anna

Good morning, world!

So, I'm up. Not "up" exactly, but awake.
Lately I've been having the hardest time going to sleep at night. I'll get in the bed at ten-ish, and I won't go to sleep until around one. No idea why it is, other than the fact my brain just will not shut up.

I think of all kinds of things in three or so hours I lie awake in bed. Guys, my future, college, what I'll major in, what I'm doing with my life, what I'm not doing with my life. It's all very stressful. I think I need some kind of sleeping pill, because this insomnia act is not working for me.

Still no word on the guy front. I'm still just waiting around for a guy whose main ambition is not to A) get in my pants B) try every alcoholic beverage known to human kind or C) act like a complete fool until they turn thirty.

Maybe it seems like I'm prejudice against men, because I am. They've made me this way. I used to believe everything a guy told me, and I learned my lesson.
I don't get many offers on serious relationships, but I'm cool with it. Most of the guys I know think "serious" means "sex". Not all of them, but quite a few.

In case you haven't noticed, I won't be having sex until I'm married. I made God that promise years ago. I'm getting older, and it's getting harder. But I won't change my beliefs.

I have piano lesson today, which I've already mentioned not liking.

I'm going to six flags the day after tomorrow, and I am soo excited.:)
Now, my family is shouting downstairs, so I'd better be off.

Until next time,
Anna

Life isn't easy, but that's never surprised anyone.

When I get to Heaven, one of the things I'll ask God is, "why can't we all just get along?". The next question would be asking Him to explain what nothingness actaually is.
But here's something that the past few day's events has inspired me to think up.

I know I'm not your one, or your only. I'm not that stupid, not yet.
But you act like you want me, then hours later..you seem to forget.
Tell me now if you plan on staying, because I can't keep hanging round..
If you're just gonna go again, tell me, so I can go on and quit now.
You seem like you could be everything, but you just aren't mine.
I know I'm not your one or your only, I can't be that stupid this time.

Not special, but it's what was in my head.

So! I'm going to six flags on Wednesday!! Whoo! So excited about it. I'm a tiny bit of an adrenaline junkie, so I'm pumped about the rollar coasters.

That's about all that's going on, really. Other than a few family dysfuntions and some friend drama. It's not really worth the time it would take to type. So I'm off.

Adeiu,
Anna

Bittersweet day.

*exhales*
Today was another very long day. It started off bad.. I woke to my brother and sister screaming at each other. As the day went on, things got better. I saw one of my best friends that I hadn't seen in forever, which was great.
Then things turned bad again. My brother got baptized tonight, so we were cleaning up before the preacher came. My brother started being nearly intolerable, and pushed my sister to tears.

People don't understand why he is the way he is. Heck, I don't even fully understand. He has terrible ADHD, and has been on medicine his whole life. Some days he's fine, other days he makes me want to hate him. Which I can't do, of course, but still.

The preacher came and baptized him, and things have been pretty quiet since then.

I have to go take care of my grandaddy tomorrow. I also have piano, which I haven't practiced since last week. I was supposed to learn two new songs, but I kept putting it off. Tomorrow I go back, and I can't even practice beforehand because there isn't a piano at my grandparent's house.

On top of all that, my other friend expects me to eat lunch with her tomorrow, which would leave absolutely no time to practice anything, unless I wake up at about five a.m. So either she'll be mad at me, or my piano teacher will. Have I mentioned that I hate people being mad at me? Because I do.

I'm almost ready for school to start back. My mama tells me my lessons are "just for the summer" and I can "tolerate it until school starts". Plus, school gives me a schedule. I do better with schedules, obviously.

On another note, I hate asking my parents to let me do things. Because I know that they'll either say no, or hold it over my head for at least a week. And Mama, especially. She acts so pained when I ask to go somewhere. She'll grimace and go "Anna, now...". Which is followed by her guilt triping me into saying "well, if you really would rather I not go..", to which she responds "I'd rather you just stay home today. You and -insert name- can do something next week."
It's a depressing dialogue that I've memorized by heart. When I do insist on going, she throws up her hands and then it's "fine! Go! But don't expect to go anywhere else for the rest of the week!!"

-.-

And that is the story of my life. My friends think I hate them because my parents keep refusing to let me go anywhere.
Typing all this nearly makes me cry, but I can probably blame that on hormones.

I probably won't sleep much tonight. Having so many thoughts in one's head can be distressing. It also makes it very hard to chill out long enough to get to sleep.

I'll do my devotion, then I'll probably read a while.

Thanks for listening!
Always,
Anna

Long day. Good, but long.

Today has lasted years, it seems like. Do you ever feel that way? I think about this morning and I suddenly become very tired. Let's see, where to start...
I went walking this morning, then cleaned around the house- ran errands. Then one errand required me going forty minutes away. Since I hadn't seen my best friend in a few days, I asked her to come with me. We get lost downtown, but we find our way back again.
Upon returning home, I get ready to go to church with my daddy. On the way there, we continue our always-running discussion about racism.
Now my daddy is a very impartial lawyer who does his best to help whoever comes to him, regardless of race. He also would never condone the withholding of rights based on race. But when it comes to me and my social life, he might as well be back on the plantation.
As much as I argue with him about equality, he just will not accept mixed race relationships. Personally, I think love is blind.
Anyway, he considers my best friend a "bad influence" because she has quite a few guy friends who just happen to be black. I admit that here, below the Mason-Dixon Line, blacks and whites do have different cultures and behavioral aspects. So yes, my friend does act differently than most white people around here. But that's one of the reasons I like her. My daddy has just been too engrained in racism, he doesn't see past it when it comes to the people I hang out with.

However, this same friend just got in trouble, so now I have taxi her to and from school for another month because her parents postponed her getting her liscense. This slightly agitates me, I won't lie. I love that girl, but some days I just wanna go straight home, you know?

That's all I've got for now.
Ttfn!

Love,
Anna

I'm running away to join the convent...

..just kidding. But it might not be a terribly bad idea. Those nuns probably have more freedom than I do.
I've started making a list of things my father dissaproves of. So far the count is over thirty, and I only started a few hours ago.
I know I should be grateful that my parents care so much about my well being, but I'm sixteen, for goodness' sakes. I want to do things with my friends. Is that wrong? It's not like I want to go out, get drunk, get high, or sleep around. I just want to go intertubing with some friends. But no.
My friends have stopped asking me to do things, because they know my parents will say no.
The unfairness of life is astounding at times.
I consider myself a good kid. I've never drank alcohol(other than wine), done drugs, had sex, or snuck out. But my parents still want me at home at least five nights a week.

I just stopped by to complain a little, really. I'm done now, soo..

Over&Out.
Anna

Lazy day.. Finally.

I am happy to say that I did a whole lot of nothing today. I woke up around lunchtime, ate. Then I went to piano. Oh yea, I'll tell you about my piano lessons.

So I want to teach music when I get out of school. I'm pretty rational most days, and I understand I need to further my piano skills if I want to major in music. My original music teacher and I had been working mainly on vocals, so my mama signed me up to take from this man from our church. He's a nice man, but I can barely tolerate taking from him.

He lives in a double wide trailer in the middle of nowhere, accompanied only by a gigantic German Shepherd named Judah. He smokes like a freight train and never wears shoes or shirts with sleeves. Judah the dog attacks the screen door anytime anyone tries to come in, and only allows them go actually do so after he has sniffed them, growling the whole time. The process is very unnerving.
This man is a musical genious, but his house smells like a giant cigarette-bomb went off. I always leave with a headache. He smokes at least three cigarettes while I'm there, sometimes more.
I've complained about it to my mother, but I basically have to deal with it.

Since today had been so uneventful, I really have nothing more to say!

Until next time,
Love x 3,
Anna

What a long week it's been!

Whew, I'm exhausted! I feel like I've been running a marathon or something. When in reality, I've done no such thing! Let me see if I can accurately chronicle my recent activities.

Monday, I had friends over and we went exploring in a rather rural bit of my county. i.e. dirt roads. Somewhere along the way, I misplaced my sense of direction and ended up miles away from where I intended. But it was a great adventure!
Tuesday was more of the same. I took my friends home and then went to the orthodontist. S.N- braces are terrible. I'm glad I'll had pretty teeth one day, but right now they just hurt.
Wednesday I went four hours away to see a concert with my friends. A Toby Mac and Chris Tomlin concert, actually. It was great!! I had an awesome time. They're both Christian performers and I really needed some down time with God.
Today I've basically spent recovering from the concert. Along the way I ate a bit and got some super cute shorts.

Wait, what am I doing? Telling about my week when it isn't even over yet! Silly me.

In other news, my lie life right now is at a big whomping zero. The guy I like (a lot) isn't talking to me anymore. No reason why, he just disappeared. That whole "dissapearing" thing is starting to become a pattern among the guys I talk to. Perhaps I'm cursed.

My brother comes home from camp Saturday! I'm glad.

But now I'll stop, my thumbs need a break. Adeiu, until then.

Lovelovelove,
Anna

Blogging attempt number one!

I've never done a blog before, but I've always wanted to. I guess I should tell a little about myself, huh?

Well, I'm Anna. That's the only name you'll get from me, since I'd just rather not get kidnapped or some such. I'm sixteen, and I live in the middle of nowhere. For fun, people around here go sit in parking lots and other exciting things like that. My town has zero stoplights, no walmart, no mall, and no restaraunts. It does, however, have a gas station and several types of livestock. This is where I live.

I love Jesus, He's the best friend I've got. If you have a problem with my belief, I'm sorry. I won't bother you if you do the same for me.

My other friends are wonderful. We have our fights, but we usually end up smarter because of them.

Guys will probably be a big topic in this blog. I mean, I am a teenage girl, after all. At the moment, for example, I like this guy.. He seems to be all that and a big shiny bow. Problem is, I'm stuck in the friend zone. And if anyone has any suggestions about how I can get out of this zone (suggestions that don't involve me taking my clothes off), feel free to give them.

My family is dysfunctional. Whose isn't?

Random facts: my car's name is Gladys, my phone's name is Wendy. I hate it when people mix up "there", "their", and "they're".. I love music, it's basically my second language. I've always wanted to be able to play the violin. Oh, and I'm a very small-sized person.

That's all I've got for tonight. It's been lovely blogging with you.
I'll be back soon.

Lovelovelove,
Anna