The God who gives, and takes away.

I'm really starting to slack on my blogging, and it isn't for lack of things to talk about..but more a lack of time to type. As Spring starts finding its way onto our porches and into our thinking, I've been here..facing challenges twice my size and recieving blessings greater still.
Let me elaborate.

On the blessings side - I'm not one to make my love life into a big motion picture or anything, but just excuse me for the next few lines.
I'm the luckiest I've ever been with this one. He's changed the way I see relationships, and the way I've expected to be treated in them. He makes me smile, and cares about me with more tolerance and understanding than I've ever handled before. I'm just thankful. Though he's had to deal with a lot from me lately, I'm afraid.

For instance.
In my last post, I believe I mentioned my grandaddy being sick. Well on March the 21st, 2012, my loving grandaddy got to go see Jesus. It was his 82nd birthday. The Sunday before that, I'd been to see him. He couldn't talk, but he kissed my hand and told me all I needed to know. The last audible thing he said to me was "I love you."
He wasn't hurting, and he wasn't scared. He was just tired. The preacher at his funeral said that God calls us home when He sees that our earthly bodies are no longer fit enough to carry our souls. And Lord knows my Grandaddy had a soul four times as big as the body he'd been decreased to, so that may be true.
What had really kept Grandaddy here for this long is his wife, my Grandmama. They'd been married for sixty-one years, and I have never seen such love. They "fought" all the time, but it was really just them being silly. Grandaddy's favorite story to tell was about when he decided he was going to marry Grandmama, and how pretty she was. She'd always just sit on the side of his chair when he went on about it, and shove him when he told her she was still just as pretty now.
The night he died, my daddy and grandmama were with him. Daddy said that grandmama had gone to the bathroom, and while she was in there Grandaddy had stopped breathing a few times. But he didn't go completely until she was back out of the bathroom and holding his hand. I think that didn't just happen.

I hope I get a marriage like that one day.

I miss that man so much. He was such a genuinely kind person, and he never once complained. Not when his legs and arms failed him, not when he couldn't care for himself at all anymore. He was just smiling and trying to make people laugh.

If you pray, send one up for my grandmama. She misses him more than any of us put together, she hasn't had to be apart from him since she was nineteen. She has dementia, so she's confused most of the time. He grounded her, and we're all worried what'll happen since her anchor has gone.

My grandaddy was an elder in the Church for over twenty five years, and he would always end his prayers with "and when our time on earth is done, may You give us a peaceful hour to depart."
And he got his prayer, praise God.

Be thankful, stay hopeful. Don't let the darkness pull you under.
Love,
Anna

Adult Anna

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote! I probably should have been writing this whole time, it may have helpe me maintain my sanity. At least a little bit.

My family is sort of in chaos, but not even the normal kind.
But I'll get to that in a second.

Senior year has flown. I find myself having little panic attacks when I look at the "countdown to graduation" thing on every white board at school. So much change should not be forced on a person all at once, if you ask me. I'm scared about it. Excited. But mainly freaked out.

No one warns a person how much they have to grow up. You don't sit down with your five year old and say "Now honey, you're going to be forced into situations and making decisions that you just aren't ready to make here in a little while. Get ready!"
Nope. I never got that speech, though I should have. Being a grown up is tiresome.

Why are you having to act grown up? , you may ask. So here I go, with the first thing I mentioned.
Family chaos.

Last week, my brother had a reaction or something that resulted in him having a seizure or something similar. Dear Lord, that was the most scared I have ever been. I hope I never feel that helpless ever again, though I know that is a vain hope. He was on the floor and I couldn't get him up.
For those of you who know me, you know that I'm the one who gets people up. That's just the way I am.

But I couldn't this time. Everything in my brain just shut off. It was like the twilight zone. I don't even remember screaming, but I must have because mama and daddy came running in. Then I just shrunk back into the other room and cried. Thomas is all better now, but with no thanks to me.

Then later that week, my grandaddy had a stroke. This man is my favorite. And I've always been his favorite, even if he never said it out loud. And now he's probably about to leave me and I know I can't handle it, so God's gonna have to carry it all for me. I've had to wear a brave face, because when I start crying it turns into hysteria pretty fast. Then every one else is crying, and nothing is accomplished. So I keep my tears to myself, like a grown up is supposed to. My grandaddy has been sick for so long, I know he's ready to go hang out with Jesus. But I'm not ready for him too. Neither is my grandmama or my dad. So these next few days or weeks is gonna be mostly for us.

I could go on about how short life is, and how sad it all can be. But that wouldn't be very grown up of me.

Before all this chaos, though, I went to New York. I'll never forget any of it, the whole trip was a blessing. I got a new car recently, and I have people all over that love me. Not everything has been all darkness and rain, not at all. So don't leave with that impression. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Until next time though,
Counting my blessings,
Anna.

Runner.

I don't have a song to write you,
And I don't have the right words to say.
Most of me tried to fight you,
Now I just want you to stay.

They say the best things in life are surprises,
Plans never work anyway.
Despite all my schemes and devices,
Now I just want you to stay.

Pretend with me now, for a moment.
Keep, with me, the future at bay.
Try as I might to control it,
Now I just want you to stay.

Tell me the things that I'm scared of,
Chase all the thinking away.
Forgive me the faults I'm aware of,
For now, I just want you to stay.

Stay with me here, for this second.
We'll figure the next when it comes.
Smile with me here, til tomorrow.
And I'll break my instinct to run.