Two weeks into senior year and I'm digging it.
Failing Government class because the constitution won't stick in my brain..
But digging it.
My social life is working well, my friends are as wonderful as ever. I've got a senior cruise in the works, a awesome showchoir show coming up, people who love me, and a ten dollar bill hidden in my wallet.
Life is good.
My mother just had surgery, but everybody in the tri-county area prayed her up so much that she's doing wonderfully. I'm seeing God more in everyday life than I ever have before.
One thing I've noticed this year? Everybody's hiding something. You are, I am. And the fact of the matter is, if everyone's got their doors closed anyway, who am I to go around saying that other people are hiding more junk than I am? Did that make any sense?
I'm not put here to hate on people, I'm here to brighten people's days in whatever way I can.
I slip up, and the gossip in my genetics comes out. Some days more than others. And for that, I'm sorry.
I can't wait for college. I'm gonna miss my friends like crazy, but I'm still excited. A new start.
And college guys. Yeah, I said it.
And just for variety... Here are five things you may or may not have known about me.
5. I have a huge weakness for guys who compare me to songs.
4. I want a ginger baby. They're the cutest.
3. I'm currently on the lookout for ways to get revenge on my sister. Ask for details.
2. I hate shopping for formal dresses.
1. Sometimes when I get a text from someone I like, I'll keep the message unread for a few minutes. I think the suspense makes it better
But now I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
-Anna
About Me
- Anna*
- I'm Anna. I'm not like anyone else I know. I sing, I dance. I fall down and I get up again. I love to love, and I love to laugh. I've cried before and I'll cry again, but the sun keeps coming back out. I love Jesus, He saved me when I didn't have a place or a friend in the world. Enjoy my blog, I've written it just for you. Always, Anna
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Let Your Hair Down.
I was sitting by my pool just now, over-thinking every aspect of my life. Friends, guys, guyfriends, school, my future. I looked at the water, and got the strangest urge to jump in.
Before I could stop myself, I stripped down to my underwear and did so. Dove in.
Moral of the story? Sometimes life is better when you don't think at all.
This morning in my devo, I read Matthew 6:25. "Do not worry about your life."
And do you know what I spent all day doing? Yep. Worrying.
Two of my greatest character flaws, right there. I think too much, and as a result, I worry. I swear I'm going to have wrinkles by the time I'm twenty. Whether it's reading too much into what someone's said to me, or wondering why certain things haven't been said. Ridiculousness.
I can chalk a little of this up to PMS, but 95% of it is just regular me.
I help others look on the bright side every day, but my own bright side doesn't get much attention. So I'm changing that. Now. Today. God's letting me live, and He never asked me to question the particulars.
See you on the sunny side.
- Anna
Before I could stop myself, I stripped down to my underwear and did so. Dove in.
Moral of the story? Sometimes life is better when you don't think at all.
This morning in my devo, I read Matthew 6:25. "Do not worry about your life."
And do you know what I spent all day doing? Yep. Worrying.
Two of my greatest character flaws, right there. I think too much, and as a result, I worry. I swear I'm going to have wrinkles by the time I'm twenty. Whether it's reading too much into what someone's said to me, or wondering why certain things haven't been said. Ridiculousness.
I can chalk a little of this up to PMS, but 95% of it is just regular me.
I help others look on the bright side every day, but my own bright side doesn't get much attention. So I'm changing that. Now. Today. God's letting me live, and He never asked me to question the particulars.
See you on the sunny side.
- Anna
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Chillbumps.
Time flies.
After what seems like a moment, you look up, and you're a senior in highschool.
Watching the seventh graders hug the walls of the hallways, trying not to get trampled, and you remember doing the exact same thing. Looking at your tenth grade journal and wondering why it seems like a different life. If the last seventeen years of my life have gone by so quickly, what will the next seventeen feel like? Does life slow down after highschool? College?
Is there a resting point somewhere? A halfway marker in the race, where someone stops you, gives you a gatorade and a pat on the back with an encouraging "Almost there!"?
Maybe not. But who says that means we all can just stop running to whatever end-of-the-race God's made for us?
Day by day, it's all we can do.
I feel like singing.
Weird, how I feel like singing some days despite whatever mood I'm in. I like to get in my car and sing at my steering wheel like I'm in front of a million people. Or maybe just one person. Sometimes I'll blast my speakers almost to death. And sometimes I'll just turn it off, roll my windows down, and let the wind sing to me. Is that stupid? Eh. I don't care.
I've had people actually call me and say "I just passed you, and you are JAMMING." to which I reply, "Of course."
Life, to me, is just a succession of songs. Sad ones, happy ones. The kinds you sing to yourself, and the kinds you want a microphone for. So sing every word of life like it's all you've been given.
Cause it is. We get one chance on this planet, before we get placed in wherever we'll spend eternity.
Me? I'm going to get a new, completely FINE body, and the best robe in the whole place. And I'll get to sing every. single. moment. With a voice better than anything anyone's ever heard. Me and my girls are gonna dance on the golden streets with complete abandon. That chillbump feeling I get when I seriously worship is going to be multiplied by infinity and it's gonna last for forever.
Sorry, I got off topic. As if I had a topic to begin with.
Tomorrow is my first full day of my senior year. I'm going to smile at everyone, forget my past, and sing it.
Oh, and I'm wearing a Christmas bow in my hair. Try to stop me.
Freely,
Anna
After what seems like a moment, you look up, and you're a senior in highschool.
Watching the seventh graders hug the walls of the hallways, trying not to get trampled, and you remember doing the exact same thing. Looking at your tenth grade journal and wondering why it seems like a different life. If the last seventeen years of my life have gone by so quickly, what will the next seventeen feel like? Does life slow down after highschool? College?
Is there a resting point somewhere? A halfway marker in the race, where someone stops you, gives you a gatorade and a pat on the back with an encouraging "Almost there!"?
Maybe not. But who says that means we all can just stop running to whatever end-of-the-race God's made for us?
Day by day, it's all we can do.
I feel like singing.
Weird, how I feel like singing some days despite whatever mood I'm in. I like to get in my car and sing at my steering wheel like I'm in front of a million people. Or maybe just one person. Sometimes I'll blast my speakers almost to death. And sometimes I'll just turn it off, roll my windows down, and let the wind sing to me. Is that stupid? Eh. I don't care.
I've had people actually call me and say "I just passed you, and you are JAMMING." to which I reply, "Of course."
Life, to me, is just a succession of songs. Sad ones, happy ones. The kinds you sing to yourself, and the kinds you want a microphone for. So sing every word of life like it's all you've been given.
Cause it is. We get one chance on this planet, before we get placed in wherever we'll spend eternity.
Me? I'm going to get a new, completely FINE body, and the best robe in the whole place. And I'll get to sing every. single. moment. With a voice better than anything anyone's ever heard. Me and my girls are gonna dance on the golden streets with complete abandon. That chillbump feeling I get when I seriously worship is going to be multiplied by infinity and it's gonna last for forever.
Sorry, I got off topic. As if I had a topic to begin with.
Tomorrow is my first full day of my senior year. I'm going to smile at everyone, forget my past, and sing it.
Oh, and I'm wearing a Christmas bow in my hair. Try to stop me.
Freely,
Anna
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Marrying Kind.
I got the book "Every Young Woman's Battle" this weekend, and I'm hooked. It speaks so directly to my situation now that I have no one to thank but God for getting it into my hands.
It is pure gold, I'm telling you. If you're reading this and you want to borrow it from me, text me and I'll give it willingly. Or I'll buy you a copy myself.
I'm about to quote a whole paragraph. Get ready.
"The 'Messiah complex' refers to the tendency for caring people to become rescuers who try to deliver others from their problems and difficult life circumstances. At times, almost all of us want to be like Messiahs, saving people from their dysfunctional families, enslaving addictions, or self-destructive lifestyles....
[But when people] try to be rescuers, the rescuers almost always end up being hurt. Even so [we are] still tempted at tomes to be like a messiah. [A friend states] 'It would be nice if I could rescue people from their pain and release them from their problems...but whenever I am tempted to try taking on that role, I remember how powerless I am and I think about what happened to the real Messiah. He was crucified."
This is me all over, up and down, anyway you look at it. I like to strap on my cape and save the planet. But I have to realize that while I may be on this earth to help people, I cannot fix anyone or anything myself. This is one of those many things I'm working on.
Also,
"Be vigilant over your body. Remember, where a woman's heart goes, her body longs to follow.... However, the wise young woman who takes things slowly, carefully guarding her heart..will walk down the aisle towards her groom carrying a treasure that is far greater than riches. A whole heart."
I feel like everyone (including myself) gets so caught up in the physical definition of virginity, the other uses and meanings of the word are lost. I remember a camp counselor telling me, "Your dress may be white, but it can still be not perfect."
So my white dress, at this point, may not fit me so well. It may have some emotional dirt around the edges.
If you're reading this and thinking "at least your dress is white. Mine's borderline black."
I've got good news. I know a fantastic drycleaner/tailor/dressmaker. You and I can be white as snow in no time.
SN: I refuse to be ashamed about discussing sex and sexuality on this blog. To quote my book, yet again,
"You can be wise AND innocent at the same time."
So if me saying the S word bothers you, I'm sorry. But hey. My blog.
Back on the topic. Maintaining emotional virginity is just as hard, if not harder, to keep up as the physical kind. Guys lust with their eyes, women lust with their feelings. Compromising yourself emotionally or any other way is so easy when you've got butterflies in your stomach, let me just tell you.
Guys get turned on by what they see. Women? It's all about how we feel. So to keep our emotions guarded is as hard as guys trying to keep their bodies guarded.
If you're a guy, and this is news to you, keep it in mind the next time you start telling a girl what she wants to hear, please.
I pray for my future husband, and I pray that he will be able to tolerate me. I pray that God guards him as He's helping me guard myself.
My Grandaddy used to say he'd have to use a stick to keep the boys off me when I grew up. As I grew up, I realized I didn't need a stick. I needed a whole lot more. Not around me, but around my heart. Just like every other woman and man on the face of the planet.
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains... How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among [women] find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights."
Psalm 36:5-8
Hiding until then,
Anna
It is pure gold, I'm telling you. If you're reading this and you want to borrow it from me, text me and I'll give it willingly. Or I'll buy you a copy myself.
I'm about to quote a whole paragraph. Get ready.
"The 'Messiah complex' refers to the tendency for caring people to become rescuers who try to deliver others from their problems and difficult life circumstances. At times, almost all of us want to be like Messiahs, saving people from their dysfunctional families, enslaving addictions, or self-destructive lifestyles....
[But when people] try to be rescuers, the rescuers almost always end up being hurt. Even so [we are] still tempted at tomes to be like a messiah. [A friend states] 'It would be nice if I could rescue people from their pain and release them from their problems...but whenever I am tempted to try taking on that role, I remember how powerless I am and I think about what happened to the real Messiah. He was crucified."
This is me all over, up and down, anyway you look at it. I like to strap on my cape and save the planet. But I have to realize that while I may be on this earth to help people, I cannot fix anyone or anything myself. This is one of those many things I'm working on.
Also,
"Be vigilant over your body. Remember, where a woman's heart goes, her body longs to follow.... However, the wise young woman who takes things slowly, carefully guarding her heart..will walk down the aisle towards her groom carrying a treasure that is far greater than riches. A whole heart."
I feel like everyone (including myself) gets so caught up in the physical definition of virginity, the other uses and meanings of the word are lost. I remember a camp counselor telling me, "Your dress may be white, but it can still be not perfect."
So my white dress, at this point, may not fit me so well. It may have some emotional dirt around the edges.
If you're reading this and thinking "at least your dress is white. Mine's borderline black."
I've got good news. I know a fantastic drycleaner/tailor/dressmaker. You and I can be white as snow in no time.
SN: I refuse to be ashamed about discussing sex and sexuality on this blog. To quote my book, yet again,
"You can be wise AND innocent at the same time."
So if me saying the S word bothers you, I'm sorry. But hey. My blog.
Back on the topic. Maintaining emotional virginity is just as hard, if not harder, to keep up as the physical kind. Guys lust with their eyes, women lust with their feelings. Compromising yourself emotionally or any other way is so easy when you've got butterflies in your stomach, let me just tell you.
Guys get turned on by what they see. Women? It's all about how we feel. So to keep our emotions guarded is as hard as guys trying to keep their bodies guarded.
If you're a guy, and this is news to you, keep it in mind the next time you start telling a girl what she wants to hear, please.
I pray for my future husband, and I pray that he will be able to tolerate me. I pray that God guards him as He's helping me guard myself.
My Grandaddy used to say he'd have to use a stick to keep the boys off me when I grew up. As I grew up, I realized I didn't need a stick. I needed a whole lot more. Not around me, but around my heart. Just like every other woman and man on the face of the planet.
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains... How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among [women] find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights."
Psalm 36:5-8
Hiding until then,
Anna
Journal Entry.
7/31/11
"Back home. Having my phone seems so odd now.
I miss it already, but real life is back. I can't fight it. My friends need me in the here and now, and I WILL be Christ to them.
God help me.
Hearts are such fragile little things. I spend so much time trying to protect mine, or others' from me..crazy. Why did God make hearts breakable?
And even as that came out of my pen, I knew:
So we'd run to Him when they do break. If only we could all just skip that part. The hurting part, and go straight to the finish line. How much easier! But not so. Christ didn't get to go straight from Gethsemane to back chilling with his disciples for 40 days. It has to be hard sometimes.
But people need to need me, because I'm needing God. Not because of who I am, but for who God is.
One of the things I'm conflicted about is how I'm supposed to be dealing with guys right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to be hiding, looking, expecting, distancing. What.
I'm scared of commitment. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. That I can handle. I'm just terrified of hurting other people. Guys. Breaking hearts, spirits. But I can't seem to get away from it. I try to have a friendship, and I end up hurting them. It's so messed up I kinda wanna run.
You know what would be really ironic? If I'd spent all this time avoiding relationships, only to find myself at the end of my life with no one wanting me anymore.
But I can't tell the future. Thank God. I can hardly tell the present most days.
Now, though, I'm going to sleep.
Your butterfly, who's trying out her wings,
Anna
"Back home. Having my phone seems so odd now.
I miss it already, but real life is back. I can't fight it. My friends need me in the here and now, and I WILL be Christ to them.
God help me.
Hearts are such fragile little things. I spend so much time trying to protect mine, or others' from me..crazy. Why did God make hearts breakable?
And even as that came out of my pen, I knew:
So we'd run to Him when they do break. If only we could all just skip that part. The hurting part, and go straight to the finish line. How much easier! But not so. Christ didn't get to go straight from Gethsemane to back chilling with his disciples for 40 days. It has to be hard sometimes.
But people need to need me, because I'm needing God. Not because of who I am, but for who God is.
One of the things I'm conflicted about is how I'm supposed to be dealing with guys right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to be hiding, looking, expecting, distancing. What.
I'm scared of commitment. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. That I can handle. I'm just terrified of hurting other people. Guys. Breaking hearts, spirits. But I can't seem to get away from it. I try to have a friendship, and I end up hurting them. It's so messed up I kinda wanna run.
You know what would be really ironic? If I'd spent all this time avoiding relationships, only to find myself at the end of my life with no one wanting me anymore.
But I can't tell the future. Thank God. I can hardly tell the present most days.
Now, though, I'm going to sleep.
Your butterfly, who's trying out her wings,
Anna
In My Chrysalis.
Anna
Chrysalis Flight #102
Day 3
"So since I'm separated from my blog, I think I'll write down my thoughts and transfer them later. Maybe.
Last night I was so conflicted. I hated this place, what it was doing to me. I wrestled with God so hard, the last thing I wanted to do was admit my sin.
The speaker called for the invitation, and I literally had to force myself to not run out of the room. Just busting out of the doors and running all the way home. I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't know why, but I had such a reaction. I hated God and how He was tearing me up. I was sick of always being the good one, the noble one. I was ready to denouce Him completely.
But then there was today.
God shut my face. Gave me every sign I could've asked for and then some. I told God last night that I was done, and He spent all day today shouting at me: No you aren't.
There is so much love here. I've never hugged so many people in my life. I had such hostility in my heart for no reason. I ran away from God because I couldn't see Him anymore..only because I wasn't looking.
I woke up this morning ready to hate every bit of God that came my way. But I couldn't.
Running, turning away isn't the answer. Ever.
Being without my phone has been such a blessing. Forcing me into quiet time like never before.
Tomorrow I'll be a butterfly. And I'm going to let it change my life..because I had no choice. I'm at a crossroads. Either get serious about my faith or walk away. Because my body cannot physically take this lukewarm spirit anymore. I've grown actually sick of myself.
So it's decision time. And I'm siding with the only thing that's ever saved me.
De Colores,
With all the love that's left,
Anna"
Chrysalis Flight #102
Day 3
"So since I'm separated from my blog, I think I'll write down my thoughts and transfer them later. Maybe.
Last night I was so conflicted. I hated this place, what it was doing to me. I wrestled with God so hard, the last thing I wanted to do was admit my sin.
The speaker called for the invitation, and I literally had to force myself to not run out of the room. Just busting out of the doors and running all the way home. I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't know why, but I had such a reaction. I hated God and how He was tearing me up. I was sick of always being the good one, the noble one. I was ready to denouce Him completely.
But then there was today.
God shut my face. Gave me every sign I could've asked for and then some. I told God last night that I was done, and He spent all day today shouting at me: No you aren't.
There is so much love here. I've never hugged so many people in my life. I had such hostility in my heart for no reason. I ran away from God because I couldn't see Him anymore..only because I wasn't looking.
I woke up this morning ready to hate every bit of God that came my way. But I couldn't.
Running, turning away isn't the answer. Ever.
Being without my phone has been such a blessing. Forcing me into quiet time like never before.
Tomorrow I'll be a butterfly. And I'm going to let it change my life..because I had no choice. I'm at a crossroads. Either get serious about my faith or walk away. Because my body cannot physically take this lukewarm spirit anymore. I've grown actually sick of myself.
So it's decision time. And I'm siding with the only thing that's ever saved me.
De Colores,
With all the love that's left,
Anna"
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