Christian Ramblings

Music speaks so much louder than anything else I've encountered thus far in my life. One well-placed line can pull such a response from me that it surprises me over and over again.

I'm sitting here at my computer listening to "There Are No Orphans of God" by Avalon, and I started crying. It took me all of one verse to become completely broken. I think anything can change your life if you let it, but for me? Music affects me whether I'm wanting it to or not.

How great, how powerful is the God that watches me everyday. How merciful, to forgive me over and over again. How understanding, to see me falling and love me anyway. I can't even imagine.

I need camp so bad. I don't comprehend how someone can be surrounded by so many people being broken by God, and not believe in the God that's causing it.
But at camp, everyone is on the same boat. No one cares what you did during the year, nobody is judging you for not being perfect..everyone is just looking to start over. When people sing there, it's like they're singing out of their very heart. No walls, no barriers. No holding back. When people there sing, it's like we're all sitting right at God's feet, giving Him a concert.
I swear, it's what Heaven is going to be like. This is a Church of Christ camp, so there aren't any intstruments used in worship, but I've never heard such beautiful music. I've been to see choirs from all over the country, and nothing compares. Because the music at camp is so completelty raw and honest...it makes sense to me.

Now none of that may have made any sense to any of you, but there it is.
Keep your hearts open.
Love,
Anna

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

Life moves so fast sometimes. Like a train with no brakes.
And here I am, on the tracks..just chilling. Watching as my future prepares to run me slap over.
It's like my feet have forgotten how to move. So I'll just take it as it comes..as if there was any other option.

I'm trying out for a choir this summer..the National Honor Choir. If I make it, I'll be able to go to New York (by myself). The performance would be in Carnegie Hall. If you've never heard of Carnegie, go google it. Singing in that theater would change my whole life. It's one of those things on my Bucket List that I thought I would never have the chance to check off.
Here comes the hard part.
Making it.
I'm not trying to brag, but I've never failed any sort of auditon in my life. I'm not saying I never will- I surely will at some point. But the idea of failing at this kind of makes me want to have a panic attack. Over-dramatic? Probably. But am I not allowed to stress over things that are important to me? I've also got college choir auditions in about four months. I'll freak about that closer to then, though. (Whoa. Alliteration.)

Other than that impending pressure, my life has been pretty good lately. I've gotten content with the way most things are going. I feel like there is nothing going catastrophically wrong at the moment, and for that I am thankful.

Guys? I'm keeping my options open. If that makes me a bad person, then I'll take that rep. I'm not trying to get into some kind of huge whirlwind relationship, but I'm also keeping an open mind. I just want to have fun. Flirt, laugh. Talk too much. Not have any obligations, and not expecting anyone to have them either. I'll get serious one day, when someone comes along and makes me. (i.e. Prince Charming. Surely you've heard of him.)

Summer's here. It was highly needed, my friends and I were starting to get tense around each other. And absence does make the heart grow fonder. I love my friends. I love how I can pick up the phone at any time and know that there'll be someone on the other end that is genuinely concerned with how I am. They keep me out of trouble, and listen to me when I'm being stupid. God surely did smile big on me when He threw them into my path. And I'm grateful.

I made it out of my Junior Year with exactly a 3.5 GPA. Not too shabby, but not perfect either. My parents fussed for just a little while, but they soon relented. I'm excited to be a Senior, and at the same time I'm scared out of my little curly head.

Now, though, I'm going to watch the season finale of GLEE. Get pumped.

Thanks for listening.
Love,
Anna

It Doesn't Make You Cool.

I'm about to get on my soapbox and rant for a bit about a topic that you may or may not agree with. But hey, this right here? My blog.

What, I ask, is the DEAL with highschoolers thinking that as soon as they can consume copious amounts of liquor, they become Mr/Ms Super Cool and Awesome? They have entire conversations about how much they can drink before they pass out, or how much weed they can smoke before they lose it. The sheer stupidity and ignorance of this just blows my mind daily. Acting like a drunken idiot has never, ever made anyone any cooler than they were before.

I just don't get it. Maybe I just haven't killed off enough of my braincells to comprehend the allure of destroying your body and your reputation.

Another thing: these same people who constantly lie to their parents, get falling down drunk, sleep around, smoke weed, and throw up on strangers are the ones who will rep Jesus in a heartbeat. "Oh yeah yeah. I'm a Christian. Here, let me talk to you about the Lord. Hold my drink real fast."
You can't play both sides.

Okay, to be clear- I'm not trying to play like I'm perfect. Not true. I just think it is so sad how quickly my age group will lie, cheat, steal or sneak around. When did that become the normal thing? Why is it so super cool for girls to be total sluts with just whoever stumbles across them? What happened to make guys that have been ridden more than the taxis in NY the guys that all the others aspire to be?
It doesn't make you cool. Just stop trying, and be yourself. And if you can't do that without alcohol, drugs, or sex then you need to talk to someone that can help you. Seriously.

That's all, and I'm out. Adios.
Love love,
Anna

Life as I know it.

Hey there. It's been a while, so I'll fill you in on my life lately.

First off, my friends. We're reaching the end of our Junior year in highschool! Summer is right around the corner, and we're all planning away. But here is my reason for adding them to this post- I don't know if my group's dynamics are going to continue to work. We are all so very different, and that's always been sort of a conflict in some instances..but lately the dysfuntionality has become more apparent to me. Especially between one of my friends and the rest of them. Disagreements seem to be happening more and more..feelings are getting hurt, there's lying, sneaking around, and I'm afraid confrontation is unavoidable.
And I have no doubt that I'll be involved in said confrontation, because some of the feelings that are getting hurt belong to my friend Amber. Now I don't know why, but I've always been more protective of her than any of my other friends. I'm quite a mother hen with all of my bffs, but Amber especially. You just don't mess with her and let me hear about it. She's totally capable of taking care of herself, but it still angers me..

In other news, I'm single again. This is the part where everyone goes "Oh no, Anna, what happpened??" Well, I'll tell you. I happened. Me. I'm just mentally holding out for something, I think..something more than what I've found so far. I want a connection with somebody that I don't ever second guess. I don't ever want to find myself thinking "what if." I want to be sure. Does that make any sense? Probably not. But I'm just going to be by myself for a while, to better figure out what exactly it is that I want.
Next time I get into a relationship, I'm going to be 100%, no doubt at all, unquestionably sure that it's the right thing for me. I'm sick of hurting people all the time. My daddy referred to me as the "plague" the other day. He said I should write it on my forehead so guys won't get attached.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I should just join a convent and be done with all this. Or maybe I'm just wanting more than what I've found, and I just can't make myself settle.

I want camp SOO bad. Only one more month, exactly. I love those people so much, they see me as who I want to be.
I also need some serious down time with my best girls. Just movies, food, and nothing else to do. That's what I need to regain some of my sanity, I think.

Also, I need a spiritual re-charge. I've lost my connection with the Man Upstairs, it seems like. I'm just wandering around down here like a lost three year old. I feel like such a zombie Christian. You know the kind I'm talking about? The ones that go to church, pray out loud, and are dead the rest of the time. That's me. Some time with my best friends would help me in this aspect of my life, too.

College has started to loom over my head. It's going "stop goofing off in school, Anna. Figure out the rest of your life." Stressful.

My grandaddy just got diagnosed with cancer, to top everything off. He has at least one, possibly three, tumors in his intestinal tract. They're going to have to open him up like next week and try to get the things out. I think he can handle it, but my grandmama gets so confused whenever he isn't there. It's so scary..she doesn't know what's going on, where he went, who I am, where she is..nothing. He keeps her sane, and she just falls apart without him there. They've been married sixty years..they're like two halves of the same person now. All I can hope for is that grandaddy gets better soon and can come back home.

But I'm going to spend some quaality time with my parents.
Love you, thanks for reading.
Anna