Sing Me To Sleep.

Hello again, big blogging world. Summer is on its way out, and I'm not close to being ready for it to be over.
I've got Chrysalis tomorrow. It's a Christian retreat type thing for girls. I've heard so many great things about it that I'm completely glad to finally be going.

The weird thing is, whenever I scheduled it..I remember thinking "that'll pretty much be the last thing I do this summer."
And now it's here.


However, this has been an improvement on last summer. So I won't complain.

It's been a strange last seven days or so. Lots of emotions, but I am pretty sure I can partially blame that on hormones.
I had a little epiphany, and I thought I'd share.

It was about two a.m. and I was sitting in my bed. Thinking that I could count on one hand the people that are close to me that haven't dissapointed me.. getting all apathetic and depressed. Then, like someone had slapped me, I realized how completely stupid I was being.
I mean, duh.
Human beings are going to dissapoint me, because that's what they are. What I am. A dissapointing, fleshly, shallow person. There's only one person that ever walked this planet that would never dissapoint me, and I fall short of His glory every single second.



On a completely different note, I've been thinking a lot about pride lately. How much is too much? For instance, I hold my reputation in high regard, because I've worked so dang hard on keeping it clean. I'm proud to claim my goody-goody label. But has the thing itself overtaken my orginal reasoning behind it? Am I so worried about upholding my reputation that I've forgotten about why it even matters? Does this make sense to anyone but me?

Still on the subject of pride, but in a different context..

A few days ago, I went out to my grandparent's house. My granddaddy used to be this big big man..I can remember not being able to get my little arms around his legs. Thinking to myself as a little girl that he looked like a tree, almost. I remember once he came to my school to give me my glasses, and everyone in my class went "Whoaahh. That man is a giant!"

And I was always his favorite. I think it's because I'm a carbon copy of my grandmother, his wife.

But he's a diabetic, and in the past few years he's lost use of his legs completely. He uses a wheelchair to get around, he can barely get up out of his chair by himself. His legs are no bigger than mine now. But that man's pride hasn't gotten any smaller. He refuses to be pitied.

Anyway, when I went out to his house last time, I washed his feet. The lack of circulation to them makes them swell and causes the skin to die. So I held the door as he rolled outside, and lowered the chair so his feet could sit in the tub of water.

He never looked me in the eyes. I had to pick his legs up to move them, and he kept talking about the dog, the trees. Anything.

The whole time I kept thinking about Jesus washing his disciple's feet. How humbling it was, to wash the feet of this great man that had stood so tall. To see this man who could once throw me up in the air and catch me, struggling to lift himself.

I finished, dried his feet off, and put them back up onto the footrest of his wheelchair. He looked at me and said "I appreciate you doing this, baby."
Then he rolled back inside.
And to me, he looked just like the big man he'd been.



I think that pride is good in the right amounts. Having pride in yourself, your body for instance. Good.
But too much pride can be blinding. You can grow ungrateful, haughty.

Life's all about balance, I think. Balancing pride with humilty, seriousness with humor. And so on and so forth.
...

I hope that this weekend retreat teaches me something I need to learn. I hope I uncover some new something in my Christian walk.
If you're the praying kind, send up a few for me. And if you aren't the praying kind..try it out anyway.

Working on my balancing act,
Until next time,
Anna

A Post, For You.

I've promised a super lovely girl a post dedicated to her. So here it is.

Abby, you're awesome. You make me laugh until my face hurts. You're gonna find a wonderful guy some day that will appreciate how lovely you are. And when you do, I must meet him and give my approval. Deal?

To Make You Feel My Love.

I used to be scared of being alone.

I can remember being really young..watching the moon out of the car window as we went wherever we were going. I was so terrified that we'd outrun it. I had these horrible visions that we'd just go so fast that the moon couldn't catch up, and it'd get smaller and smaller until I couldn't see it anymore.

I didn't know what it would be like, not having it there anymore. But it was so scary to me. What if it couldn't see me? Would I still even be here? Would I fall off of the world, if the moon left?

Whenever I'd play pretend in my woods..I made like I was the queen of some kind of woodland palace. The sticks and rocks and spiderwebs were all my court..mine.

I went out to that same spot today, and it was so quiet. The rocks and sticks seemed so much smaller. My throne just looked like a log, the floqwers had stopped blooming a long time ago. The ditch that ran through was all dried up, the waterfalls I'd made had filled up.
It was so strange. Like the pretend wasn't real anymore. I sat there for a while, trying to get everything to come alive again. But it all stayed quiet.

I was alone, and it wasn't scary.

I was fine. A little sad, but okay. The scariness wasn't there. I listened to the quiet and I took it in stride. I wasn't afraid to be alone with myself anymore. The thoughts I'd tried so hard, in the past, to keep out of my head weren't so huge after all. I'd beaten them.

I realized that the reason I went down there so much as a child was to escape my house. My life, the reality of it. I was scared of the moon vanishing because it made me feel like there was somebody paying attention to me.

Now that I've gotten older, I've got a new moon. A new safe place, a new refuge.

And being alone with myself isn't so bad,
because my safe place lives in me now.

The trees may not come alive, I may not see the moon like I used to. But my peace is in me. I found it in the form of the One who created all those things I put such stock in as a child.

How cool is that? That it's still in a way the place I went to hide whenever I was young. But so much bigger.

Still the forest queen,
Lovelovelove,
Anna

Dude. Check out the morals on THAT girl..

This is one of those blog posts where I just start typing without any inclination of where I'm going with it.

You ready?

Last night I went to see the last Harry Potter movie with one of my oldest friends. I laughed more than I have in a while..don't you love being with people that you don't have to worry about yourself around? No false pretenses. Just you.
Anyway, we got lost afterward trying to find my sister's apartment. But God and google got us there around three this morning..we crashed and drove home when it got daylight outside. Good night.

I've been thinking about how I've gotten a whole lot older in just the past two years. I've stopped trying, worrying so much about my outside self..I've gotten more worried about my inside self.

Thank Jesus I'm not thirteen anymore. When I spent every moment ofmy life trying to fit in. It was exhausting. And what blows me away is that there are girls my age that are still trying to be what everyone else wants. For these girls, I have a question. Is it worth it? In my experiences, the answer has always been no. It isn't.

Eight times out of ten, the reason girls play pretend about themselves? Guys. Period, point blank. So I'll say this.

No amount of makeup. No matter what you do or don't let him do. If you dress like you're on the streets or if you dress like you want to be. He is not worth compromising your dignity. I promise. It frustrates me to no end to see beautiful, wonderful girls let their idiot boyfriends walk all over them. Be yourself, be independent. Love yourself before you let someone else try to. Quit taking the crap. I feel like if every woman in the world stopped settling, then the men of the world would improve drastically. Guys get away with whatever you let them.

I'm not trying to turn this into a guy-bashing blog post. On the contrary, there are some great guys out there (granted, very few of them live within a hundred mile radious of my house) that will not ask you to change in any way except for the better. You won't have that nagging voice in the back of your head asking you where the "line" went that you weren't gonna let him cross.

So love yourself. Don't be an easy hook up or a backup plan.

In the Bible Soloman referrs to wisdom and understanding as female. Coincidence? I think not.

"The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her...Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life."

Proverbs 4:7-8, 13

So we know how much Soloman loved the ladies. 700 "official" wives and 300 concubines. I don't know if y'all are doing the math out there. But in order for him to be er, evenly distributed...he had to sleep with three women a day, every day all of his life.

And if this man, who did that much running around, can still see females as not just a source of sex.. but held them in such regard to identify wisdom as female? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this is impressive.

My point is, guys who use the "I'm just a guy, I can't help it" excuse? Wrong. I mean, the lust thing I get. I won't sit here and lie, saying that girls don't get the exact same way. But using the "I'm a guy" excuse to act like a total D bag is soo not okay. Don't take it.

You're worth more.

"If weakness is all that no one wants to speak of, then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune, I only want to be loved. But I feel safe behind the firewall. Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth..I need to confess. I'm not alright. I'm broken inside. All I go through, it leads me to You."

Love you. Thanks for reading.

Just me,

Anna

Realize. Then we'd be perfect for each other.

So I think I've grown up quite a bit in the past few years of my life, and I'd like to share some of the things I've come to realize with my getting older. This was originally a Facebook note, but I've added a few things just for my blog readers. Hope someone out there benefits from my ramblings.

•••



God really won't strike you down if you chew your food during the blessing.


Just because your boobs hurt, it doesn't mean that they're growing. Sorry.


Makeup doesn't make people pretty.


If he doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you're ugly.


Hating yourself never fixed a dang thing.


It's not all sunshine and rainbows. People are hurting.


Mama can't really fix everything, but she'll try anyway.


That pimple on your forehead? Never as big as you think it is.


Bad things happen to good people. All the time. There's not a good reason why.


If a guy talks to you at no other time but in the early morning hours, he isn't wanting you for your lovely mind. Don't answer the phone.


The movie is almost never as good as the book.


Crying and driving don't mix well, but it's doable


Everything's funnier upside-down.


Music makes it better.


If you're going nowhere, take your friends with you. They'll make the ride much more fun.


People don't like it when you flirt with their boyfriends.


When creepy people come up to your window, don't roll it down to say hi.


Nobody looks cuter drunk. Nobody.


Swing sets and monkey bars aren't just for elementary.


Keep your music up loud, so you can't hear your worries.


The police officer is always right. Just go with it.


Studying might actually help a little bit.


Hold your friends when they're crying. Everyone needs someone to hold on to.


If he screwed you over twice, he'll do it a third time. Don't be a doormat.


Be a listening ear, and you'll find more friends.


Caring shouldn't just be reserved for people who'll care back.


If you have to ask "do I look like a slut in this?" don't wear it. Chances are, you do.


No one ever got in trouble for acting like a lady.


Cussing doesn't help the situation.


You can't carry all those books by yourself, stop being dumb.


Don't ever say "I love you" just because he did first.


"Cool, Popular" is just how far we all have to fall.


Tons of black eyeliner will NOT help your appearance.


Keep your phone on you at all times.


There are worse things in life than liking the same guy as your friend does.


If you're loud enough, people won't step on you.


Friends really do love at all times.


God is not always loud and in your face. He isn't always on your sleeve, or on the faces of the people you see everyday. You may not be able to find Him for huge lengths of time..but He is always. always there. He never left. He never will.

Bucket list.

It hit me the other day that I've actually never written this down. No more.

These are in no particular order.

• Swim with dolphins.
• See a show on broadway.
• Walk a cobblestone street in England.
• Sing a lullaby to a baby in an orphanage. (shut up, you people laughing out there.)
• Go to an All Time Low concert.
• Sing in/ see Carnege Hall
• Sky dive.
• Send my mom on a cruise to Alaska.
• Parasail.
• Be a camp counselor.


That's all I've got so far. Note: this is not necessarily what I want OUT of my life. Just a few things I'd like to do during it. I think if I made a list of what I want out of life, it'd look something like this:

• happiness.

The end. And since the only way to be truly happy is to do what God tells me to, that's all I've gotta do. Right?
Oh, but if it were so easy. To say "Okay, God. Here are the reins of my life. I'll run where ever you want me to." and then actually be able to do it? Giving up control is what I struggle most with. I think "Nah, Jesus. I've got this." when I really have nothing at all.

Stepping outside of my little box of control is so scary for me. For example: at music camp, we took a class on Vocal Improv. All we had to do was make up nonsense and sing it. The first time, I just couldnt. It was like telling me to walk on my hands or something.
Same thing with my Christian walk. Letting go of MY control, MY plans. MY goals for my life. MY past.
God tells us to lay our heavy burdens on him. But 86% of the time I think I can carry it myself. I end up tripping and falling on my face. Duh. But do I learn? No.
God has broken me over and over again on this exact same thing. He's done all but put a big flashing "STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY JOB" sign in front of my face. And yet, here I sit. Trying to be my own boss.

It's just a matter of time before I'm on my face again.

When I'm there, maybe I'll look up and get smart.

Until then,
Love x3.
Anna

I Don't Know If I'll Make It, But Watch How Good I'll Fake It.

So I just got back from MC@MC : Music camp at Mississippi College. It was way better than I expected it to be thank goodness. I met some wonderful people. My suitemates, especially.

They were all two years younger than me, and I was worried about it, but my worries were for nothing. Such sweet, talented, funny girls.

But it made me kind of realize how old I'm getting. There were only a few Seniors at camp, and I was one of them. It is so bizzare to sleep in a dorm room and think, "I'm gonna live in one of these pretty soon."

This school year is going to rock my socks off. If it doesn't I'm going to throw a fit. It's the beginning of the end, and it had better be mindblowing. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I possibly can. I love them so much, it's gonna be so hard to go off without them into the huge world.

On the love life, it hasn't changed much since the last time I posted. I'm keeping my options open, but no one has just knocked me off my feet just yet. Is it selfish to want so much from a significant other? Maybe. I just want to be satisfied. I'm hesitant to be tied down, but in a way I really do want to be.

I've had some great weeks, and I hope that my next few will be just as great.

Onward and upward.

Lovelovelove.

Anna