Baby, You and I.

It has been a fantastic week.

My last homecoming as a highschooler has taken place.

Last week, summarized:
I've been hanging out with some of the coolest people I know of.
I stayed up way too late, had like fourteen [virgin] pina colodas, wore green eyeliner, threw eggs at the Junior class, stood in the rain, and sang like I was out of my mind.
I found new music, got yelled at by the cops alongside my whole Senior class, snuggled, and saw my friends laugh.
I got butterflies, cried until my heart was lighter, and dreamed of flying.
I held a precious baby, rocked an air-guitar in my six inch heels, wore red pants, and hugged more people that I can count.

The end.

Good week? Yes, overall. It's been an emotional one, but I came out of it smiling. So I'd call it a success.

I like to leave some kind of wisdom with each of my blog posts nowadays, so here I go.

I was looking over my very first posts (from over a year ago), and in the first few I was going on and on about some guy. I never mentioned
his name. The funny thing is, now I have absolutely no idea who I was talking about. I thought he was gonna change my life, and now I can't even remember which guy it was.
...that made me sound like a little hoe-ish. But I digress.
I was heartbroken a few posts later, because whoever this guy was had stopped talking to me out of nowhere. Granted, this has happened
several times. So still no clue to who he was.
I thought it was all me, I was wrong, I had done something.

But in hindsight, I don't even remember his name now. And guess what? I still remember mine.

Sometimes the people that you want to change your life don't even leave a big mark. And the people that will change your life are going to do it whether you want them to or not.
Does that make sense? Maybe?
Keep your eyes and your heart as open as you can. Keep your expectations low, but hope still alive.

As always, thanks for reading my chaos,
You're all wonderful.

Looking forward,
Anna

A Prayer.

The sun's setting the world on fire.
The whole world thundering with the storm coming.
And I'm still here, so small.
Clutching my sins, always, tightly in my hands.
Knowing You see them, but never letting go.
Staying stone silent when I should be screaming out.

I want so much, yet I give so little.
Relinquishing only the bare minimum, and expecting my knight in shining armor.
It isn't fair,
But I can't seem to stop it.

Who knew this is where I'd be by now?
Still here. So small.
Holding onto the sickest parts of me, because I can't even picture myself without them now.

When I pray, I plead to God for others.
Others.
Because if I turn the conversation to me, my walls will come up.

It's so easy just to let them. To pretend that I'm in the right.
But You aren't letting me leave it.
Convicted isn't the word..
I'm a complete mess down here.

I can't see the road in front of me, because my arms are too full with the filth I won't let go of.
I can't help the people I love, because I'm weighed down with this guilt You've placed in my heart.

You're so big, so understanding.
But I'm still here,
So small.
Not comprehending, not letting go. Expecting the world while I won't give You any of mine.

Selfish, wrong.
You're right in front of me these days, but I feel like I keep trying to look through You.
Stop me, whatever it takes.
Fix me, I can't do it myself. As much as I've tried.

I once was lost,
Anna

Self Control.

How many of you don't want to read this post just because of the title? It's okay, those words sort of make me cringe as well. Which is why I'm blogging about them.

Again I say! Self control. One of the most elusive, in my opinon, of all the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). I struggle with this so much, and I fail more often than I succeed some days. Controlling my actions, my tongue, and the worst- my mind.
This is, by far, my greatest weakness as a Christian. To think that Jesus had so much self control that He never sinned. Not once. He never looked with lust or made a perverted joke. He never cheated on a test or told a lie. He didn't secretly think one thing about His disciples, but tell them something else.
That is mind blowing to me.Oh how much we can control by controlling ourselves! How much brighter my light would be if I could keep myself from covering it over and over.

I can't count the things in my life I have screwed up because of my lack of self control. There isn't enough time in the world to tell about all those things.

But I do have the time to say this:
We all screw up, and lose it. We've all got times we wish we could've drawn the line sooner. Or held our tongues just a little bit longer. Or been slower to anger. But that's because we, as humans, suck. We're screw ups, failures, and all around a dissapointment to everyone. Good news, though.
Romans 5:8.

Read it.

And God says that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish. Not "whoever has never lost control of themselves." or "whoever hasn't
sinned."
And thank goodness. Thank God.

Losing control doesn't make you any worse than anyone else, because everyone does it. Heck, everyone is still doing it. God forgives,
people forget. Life keeps rolling on.

Keep a reign on yourself, and you can ride through life with so many less hardships.

Trying to act on my own advice,
Losing it less,

Anna

Hello, blogging world. Sorry it's been so long. School has picked up and turned into actual school. Dancing, piano, and voice lessons are back. Showchoir, we have our first performance in about three weeks. Everything's starting to settle from the summer. I've decided that I spend so many blog posts in reflection, that I'd mix it up and tell you lovely, beautiful people about my plans. A woman with a plan, yes I am. Next year, college. At this point it's between Ole Miss and MC. I'm leaning more towards Ole Miss because, basically, they would pay me to go there. I mean, pay me extra. Assuming I make it through Freshman Theory, I want to be a music major with an emphasis in teaching. Afterwards, Grad School in the most random, awesome state I can find. I want to get my doctorate in Vocal Performance. Then, teach in a college while staying onstage as much as I can. Sounds like a good plan, right? Oh, and sometime in there? Getting married would be really cool. As much as I respect my parents and the longevity of their marriage, I'd like to get married sooner than they did. One, because having kids has always always been on the list with me. Two, because I plan on being an embarrassingly hot mom. Yeah. I went there. But if it were that simple! "Hi, welcome to college. Here are your Nike shorts, your T shirt eight sizes too big, aaannd your future husband." Somehow, though, I don't think it works that way. Sad. Back to college itself though. I can't say I'm not worried. Part of me is afraid that I'll completely lose it and become anti-Anna. But the smarter part of me knows that God is bigger. I refuse to graduate from God when I graduate from highschool, as seems to be the trend. I want a church family and a support system, because God knows I'll need it. And since He does, I feel sure that He'll provide. He won't let me wander around in the dark. He'll have a candle somewhere. Speaking of lights: Hallelujah and amen, there are still gentlemen on the earth. They're all just camouflaged, blending into the forest of idiocy that seemingly surrounds my state. But when you aren't looking, one will run out from their concealment to open the door for you. It's fantastic. There are several, more somber things I could discuss, but I won't. Not now. Now I'll sleep, and I'll dream good things. I flit, I float. I fleetly flee, I fly. Goodbye! -Anna <3