The Dog Days Are Over.

Sorry, it's been too long!

Christmas is in the air. It's freezing outside and the lights are up.
This time of year, I always look back at the months past and ask myself what I've done with my life.

My answer at this point? Not very much. I've fallen from God, I'm not who I want to be.
But I'm starting to think I'll never be that person I've pictured. Maybe that's okay.

Things are changing, like they're supposed to, I guess. My friends are all growing up, and I am too. We aren't the innocent little girls searching for themselves that we used to be. I could sit around and cry because we've gotten older, but I've decided to just accept it.
I got my first piece of mail from a college the other day. It kind of scared me, seeing my name on the envelope. It was kind of like "hey, Anna! I'm your future, plan me!"
Maybe I'm just not ready.

But, regardless, I've been thinking about my future. I want my own choir, to be able to show them how music can speak louder than any words. I want to teach students how to use music as a crutch when their lives give out on them. Is that even teachable? I want to try.
Are there people out there that aren't moved by music at all? If there are, I want to stop it. Music is the best part of my day sometimes.

My brother is coming home this week. I love him, but I hope this break goes better than the last one.

I'm worried about my friends. They all are going off in different directions, and I can't protect them. I can't hurt for them, or make it better with a laugh. And that terrifies me. I can just watch them make their own decisions, just like I make mine.

My relationship-life is at a weird point. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Part of me is holding on to the past and things that have happened, plans I'd made. But another part of me wants to cut ties and jump into the water. I kind of feel like life is running away from me, and if I don't catch it soon, I'll be old and wondering what happened to it all.

I'm doing better with my self-worth issues. I'm able to look my reflection in th face, and not be ashamed. I can feel pretty again.

Everyone's been asking what I want for Christmas. And I've come up with an answer.

I want my friends to feel as beautiful as I see them. I want to make the world smile. I want a good book, and a will to be better.

So, if any of you could wrap that on up and send it, I'd be thankful.

Love to there and back again,
Anna

Crazy, beautiful life.

Oh blog, I've neglected you so. Accept my apology?
Thank you!


So, I'll fill you in. Briefly, because I have school tomorrow (sigh.)
There are some things going on in my life at the moment that I am not too happy anout. Some of those things I have no control over. Actually..I don't have much control over any of them.

First, my friends and I don't really talk about everything like we used to. I think it's because our "everything's" grew. We all have so much going on, so we're not paying so much attention to each other. Maybe thats what's supposed to happen when people get older. I wouldn't really know, since I've never been this old before.

Speaking of old..
My parents are on my case about my choice in guys. Apparently, the ones I pick aren't good enough. They're too old, their hair is too long, they don't have the right goals for the future.
At this rate, they won't be satisfied until they're arranging my marriage.

Bahhhh. *smashes head into pillow*


But I have to get up in..seven hours.
So goodbye for now. I'll try to be back soon.

Love,
Anna

Tragedy.

My history teacher, who was supposed to get married in three months, lost her fiance last night. They got into an arguement, he took back his ring. He drove home, called her, and shot himself while still on the phone with her.

She called 911, but it was too late. He had been on antidepressants since he got back from Iraq.
Her life is gone. Her plans? Gone. All the things she was banking on have dissapeared within one night.

It makes me think. These things, these tragedies. These impossible catastrophies..they happen. And people are expected to live the next day just like they'd lived the one before. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, to build up relationships when there is no certainty at all of them lasting.

Then I think some more. And if not for relationships..with people, with God, then what's the point entirely? There is no point. Life in all its entirety is worthless if not for relationships built in its span. To be alone would be t that he worst thing in the world.
I'm sure my teacher feels alone. But she isn't. There are people that love her, that are holding her hand. And there's the silver lining in the darkness of life.

Friends. The hopes that God gives us for another day. When life screws you, friends pick you up off of the ground, and tell you you can keep going. So you do. They don't give you a choice.

Sorry I've been away for so long!

So I've been away for much too long. There's tons to discuss.

I'm freaking out about how old I'm getting. Like Roxy said, "I'm much older than I ever intended to be."

Maybe I'm only sixteen, but I want elemetary school back. Yesterday, I was playing on the playground with one of my very best friends..running around like goofballs, swinging, sliding, spinning on the merry-go-round. How much longer can I do that and get away with it? I want to act like a crazy teenager for forever. I'm a Junior now. I remember being in kindergarten, for crying out loud.

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for college. Being on my own is exciting to think about. But I need my friends to be as close to me then as they are now..and I know that's nearly impossible. We aren't all going to the same colleges, we aren't heading the same places in life. But what can I do without having them available whenever I need them? It's scary.

I have been so so incredibly blessed with my friends. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I never feel pressured to do anything like drinking or partying..I can be myself. And how many people pack their Bibles when they go over to their friend's houses? Not very many.

I love them like my sisters. They know more about me than my actual sister does. And I am having seperation anxiety already.

On another note, there is no one of the opposite sex in the picture right now. I mean, I get lonely sometimes. But I've realized that I'm not in a relationship right now because I haven't met the right person yet, not because I'm some sort of terrible person. There'll be someone someday. But just not today!

Speaking of relationships..that one between one of my best friends and one of my guy freinds that I was unsure about? It didn't work out..he cheated on her with some red-headed skank who was fully aware of his situation. His TAKEN situation. And being the hot-headed, over-protective best friend I am..I was pissed. To say the least. I left him a very angry voicemail and had to restrain myself from driving up to his house and kicking him in the balls.

This anger passed. Now I just want better for my beautiful bestie.

Now, though, I must go do something "productive".

See you later, readers.

Lovelovelove.

Anna

For Kristi.

I should be studying.
Or sleeping.
But alas, I'm doing neither; I'm blogging.

Today was a good day. I was in an exceptional mood during school. After school, during choir, I got a bit (here, I was going to say "testy" but I won't, because I always think of "testes." Maybe that's just me.) easily aggravated. I had been singing for an hour and a half, standing up. So I was tired.
...Yes, I am that out of shape. Sue me.

Anyway! My choir sounds really good, which aided my tolerance.

Just now (well, an hour ago) I had a long phone conversation with one of my best friends. Which totally topped off/made my day.
I do love reminiscing on times when life wasn't so serious.
Well, I thought it was SO. serious at the time. But it really wasn't.
We had a great heart-to-heart, which I needed.

On another note,
Guy that hasn't talked to me in a while just messaged me all "I think I'm gonna break up with my gf."
Nice.
Why am I always in this position?
One day, though, a guy will pick me first.
And then we'll get married and have pretty children and live happily ever after.

That's the plan, anyway.

But I get the feeling I won't sleep much tonight.
Sweet dreams, sweet readers.

Sleepily yours,
Anna

P.S. My brother is home, and he talks in his sleep. It's quite disconcerting when you aren't expecting it. O.o

Here's that happy post I promised!

I'm in an exceptionally good mood, which is strange, since my day/week hasn't been all that.
But I digress.

I've read not one, but two great books in the past three days. Reading helps me put things in perspective.
Say my life is not going so well..I read a while and I can go "well, at least I'm not secretly a witch and everyone is out to burn me alive!"
See? Perspective.

I've been such a flirt lately. For real. Even with guys I don't like at all. Prehaps I'm just being a teenager. Although I've had to restrain myself from flirting with this one guy, because my best friend likes him. And she's much too..hmm..sensitive for me to even think about it.

My other best friend is now dating one of my guy friends. Being the strong-willed, outspoken, over-protective friend that I am, I'm also having to control my mouth and my opinions about/over it. She's happy, and therefore, I am happy. I won't rain on her parade needlessly.

Diverting a little from the post's title, I have to mention..yes, you guessed it. Guys. Now bear with me, I'm just in need of a little senseless, unnecessary rambling.
Everytime I mention a guy's name around my friends, they all are like "*raises eyebrows* oooo! Who is thaaaat? Are y'all together??"
I know that they do this out of sheer intrest in my life. But it makes me feel like (hold on to your horses, this makes no sense) they're trying to include me in the whole "guy" topic of conversation because they feel sorry for me. It's like they don't want to accept the fact that there is NO one at this point in time.

Anyhoo, back to cheerful topics. I got my Halloween costume ordered! It's super cute, I hope it fits!
I'm already planning what to do next summer..I've got a trillion things lined up as possibilities, but there is no way I can fit everything into two months.

Oh goodness!! I've had my Crest Whitestrips on my teeth for way too long! What if my teeth fall out or something?!

Toothlessly (hopefully not) yours,
Anna

Random Ramblings.

I'm allowed to have a phase, right?
You know, the time when adults look at teenagers an say "Oh, -insert whatever here-'s just a phase."
Well. Here's mine.
I've been really down on myself lately. As, I'm sure, you all can tell from my recent posts. I don't feel pretty, therefore, I don't see myself as pretty. I feel like guys find me un-likable for whatever reason. This is taking a toll on my quality of life.
So, I'm gonna make a list of things I like about myself. Physical or otherwise.
-ahem.-
I like my eyes. They're a mix between my grandmama's and my sister's.
I like my skin. I hardly ever break out.
My teeth are pretty.
When I smile, my eyes squint up so it looks like they're smiling too.
I like my legs in skirts.
I like my hands. They're dainty.
My waist is pretty small.
I can sing. I can make people laugh. I cheer people up.


That's all I've got for now. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm only as ugly as I think I am. So no more body-bashing, "I wish I looked like her."
Not out loud, anyway.
Sure, I'm still self-concious. But I can't dwell on it.

I've gotta sleep now.
Adios!
Carpe diem.

Ridin' Solo..again.

So! Last week was incredibly busy, which explains my lack of blogging lately. I do apologize, although I'm not sure exactly to whom I am apologizing.

It was homecoming..filled with crazy costumes and crazy people. It was fun, overall. But it was during last week that I had my epiphany.
The guy I've liked since seventh grade is annoyed by me. And surprisingly, this realization didn't make me want to go cry in a corner. Maybe I've just liked the idea of him more than him actually all this time. What a waste.
Now there's no one. Not a single Y chromosome on the horizon. And I'm lonely. I'm not going to lie, there's no point in it. I'm lonesome.
There's nothing wrong with feeling alone, especially when you are. Alone, that is. I'd like to be wanted, even if it was just a little, by someone I want back.

Everyone around is so happy and together. And I'm happy, but I'm by myself.
People are always telling me how beautiful I am, how gorgeous, how wonderful. And yet, here I am. With no one willing enough to stay. So, of course, anytime anyone gives me previously mentioned compliments, I don't believe them. Thus, my lack of self-esteem.
But I'm also vain. Terribly so. Tell me how that make any sense and I'll give you a present.

I know you all must be sick of my whiney blog posts. But complaining makes me feel a bit better.

At the homecoming dance, I realized I can't count every time I've walked away from a slow song, simply because I had no one to dance with. I can get my single dance on during fast songs, but the slow ones depress me. Which led to this post.

Again, I'm sorry for the lame-ness. My next post will be more cheerful, I promise.

Love,
Anna

Missed me?

I haven't blogged in forever, and for that I truly apologize. While I'm apologizing, I'll go ahead and say "sorry!" if this post isn't up to expectations.
I'm incredibly hungry, and doubtlessly, that will affect the length of this particular post.

Let's see. Recently? I've been up to a lot of nothing. A little nothing is good. Too much nothing, however, is not.

I got my braces off!! How lame is it that that's the most interesting thing that has happened to me in weeks? But my teeth are all straight..and though they're huge, I am proud of them. I went through two and a half years for those teeth.

On the guy front (S.N. When I say "guy front" I think of an actual guy's front. So I generally avoid transitioning into this topic with that particular phase. But I'll use it just this once.), there's no one. I mean, I still like that one guy, but other than that? There just aren't guys that like me at the moment. That's probably my fault, at least partially. I don't exactly put myself out there when it comes to relationships. But regardless, there just isn't anyone beating down the door for me today, you know?
No point in worrying over it, anyway.

My mother has made me an appointment with the gynecologist next month. I don't know why, but I am, literally, mortified at the thought. The doctor she's chosen for me is a man. Now, I know that he's a doctor, and that my mama will be with me the whole time..but that does not make me overlook the fact that he is a man.
I refuse to believe that no part of his brain reacts when he has his hand halfway up a sixteen-year-old girl. It is just simply inconceivable, and in my opinion-blatantly untrue to think otherwise.
The reason I'm going is because my periods are terrible. I don't see why he can't just give me some drugs without a "breast exam" and such. Call me old-fashioned, but I just get uncomfortable thinking about an old man who I've never met before telling me to take my shirt off so he can feel on my boobs. *shudder*
I've had nightmares, but my mom is still making me go.

I worry entirely too much. It's starting to effect my sleeping pattern. I really should stop, but it's a bad habit.

Now..if I don't get some food into my system, bad things will happen. So, adios.
Hasta luego!
Anna

Dear God, what have I become?

Bahhh. It's been a very, very long day. So I shall start at the beginning. But stick around, the end gets interesting.

It started out a good day. I got McDonalds and everything. I made a better-than-I-thought-I-would grade on my A&P test. Then I go with the choir to sing at the nursing home down the road from the school. The old people were adorable.
Good day so far.
We get back, I go to English, flirt a little with the guy I've liked for years (make note of this: mention of him recurrs later on.), and get a zero on my homework. It's still a good day. Fast forward: Lunch, Choir, then to Math, then Spanish.
In Spanish, my teacher makes a comment towards me about how this guy and I would be cute together. Awkwardness.
So I've made it through the school day, and it's still being classified as a good day.

Now I go run errands with my girl Kristi, we meet up with another friend and the aforementioned "this guy," who also goes by Matt. We go to McDonalds and play in the play place. Still, good day. Bordering on very good day.

We go to the game, goof off. Then we start taking about guys (or with Matt, girls). I say something about the previously mentioned "guy I've liked for years.", Matt goes "Gosh, you're like in love with him."
In my brain I say, "Only since the seventh grade.", but outside I just go "Yep."
He says, "I mean, you know you have like no chance with him."


Bad day.
He said some other stuff after that, but I didn't really hear it. Isn't it crazy how one sentence can send your brain off a cliff? Instantly my head goes, "He's right. God, Anna, you're pathetic. Liking someone for YEARS that you have no chance with."

Kristi, sweet Kristi, gets her serious "Shut up, you've hurt her feelings." face out. Then Matt just gets up and leaves. I don't go after him, cause my feelings were, in fact, hurt.

After five minutes, Matt (who still hasn't come back) sends me a text with like a million "sorry"s. I call him, and ask him where he is. He's at Quizznoes. Like a mile away.
Apparently, he runs when he gets mad at himself. He starts apologizing again, saying he feels like an asshole. I tell him to get his butt back to the game..

He does.
At first he won't talk to me, but then he continues to tell me what a jerk he is. I tell him I forgive him, and I do. It was adorable how upset he was that he upset me.
But driving home? I cried. Not because of what he said, but of how true it was. I really am pathetic. Desperate. Idiotic.
What, am I really that dumb?
To think that the quarterback of the football team, the funny, smart, sexy guy would like me?
No. No, I am not that stupid. I've learned to live in reality. I've had to.

If Matt knew how what he said got in my brain and wreaked havoc, he'd prolly hit himself in the face. Which I don't want at all. He's such a good guy. He'd never intentionally say anything to upset me.

Again, it's not what he said. It's everything. I delude myself into thinking that this guy likes me, and it hurts a little to have reality shoved on you.

I prayed about it, aloud, on the way home. I basically told God that I didn't have any idea what comes next. And I still don't.

I'm about to do my devo and then sleep. Maybe I'll get some kind of revelation in the night. Then again, maybe not.

Until then,
Anna

It's me again.

Which I'm sure all of you are excited about.
This blog post is dedicated to all the random thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain lately. Which, of course, makes it very un-different to all my other entries.

I say "oh I'm going to do so well in school," then after the second week, I'm just trying to stay alive. School is ridiculos. It's like all of my teachers think that I have no life outside of their class. I've had homework every day.

We're learning a new dance in my dancing class (dance in dancing..imagine that), and it looks really cute so far! Maybe a tad skanky, but still cute. My legs are sore, which is why I felt the need to mention all that.

I'm still staying silent about the new possible love (love is such a strong word. Like, maybe?) intrest. No need to break what isn't broken just for the sake of it. The only guys showing any real "let's hang out" intrest in me at the moment are two guys who, while both being very nice, sweet guys, I can't see myself with. At this point it's hard for me to see myself with anyone. Some days, I dislike myself so much I find it almost unfathomable that anyone else could like me, even enough to be my friend. I may come back and post some things I've written on that subject..

Now this is going to sound stupid to some of you..be forwarned.
I'm scared I'm losing what makes me special. My hair, my voice. I'm not the littlest anymore. Things like that.
I'm terrified of being like everyone else. Maybe that's driven by my selfish want for recognition, but it's still true. The traits that people have identified me by are changing.
My hair is losing its curl, and it hasn't been naturally blonde in over a year. My voice doesn't "wow" people like it seemed to when I was younger. I'm not the shortest, thinnest girl I know of anymore. I know, I probably sound like a crazy woman..but there it is. I pride myself on being different..and I know that my hair isn't me, my voice isn't me. But it's a big, vain part of me. So I'm scared.

I'm getting up way early tomorrow, so I'll take my leave of you.
Thanks, as always, for taking time to read my nonsense.
Comment if you feel the urge.

Until then,
Anna

Busy!!

Which is why I've been neglecting my blog lately..I apologize!
But now, I'm here, and the party can continue:)

School is kicking my BUTT. I've had homework every night so far. Plus dancing, ballet, piano, voice, and showchoir..I may not live to see senior year. I feel like my brain is in a near-constant state of confusion. So if this entry makes no sense, I apologize in advance.

I am starting to like someone, but I don't want to tell him and make things all weird. So for now I'm just remaining silent on the matter. The guy of my last few entries is no more. He dissapeared. Must have lost intrest, I suppose. That's usually the case of guys with me. They are just oh so inamored by me for about two weeks, then they just drop off the planet. I think it must be some sort of curse with me.

On a completely unrelated topic, I got SO mad today. More so than I have been in years almost. I was shaking, I was so furious.

To make a long story short, a huge group of guys was loudly laughing at a kid who reminded me of my brother. Maybe that was why I got so inexplainably angry. It was so creul, I wanted to cry for the kid. What was worse, he thought they were being his friends, and that they just thought he was funny. I was so, so insanely furious. I almost shed a tear out of my eye, that's how bad it was.

And even though this wasn't a long blog entry, I'm getting sleepy. So until next time,
Anna

Gosh, my head hurts.

As I'd imagine anyone's would, if they had as much in their brain as I do. Life lately has just been filled with things for me to needlessly worry about.

I slept until noon today, which was wonderful. My friends wanted me to go out with them tonight, but I severly needed my lazy time. This past week has almost been too much.

School is ridiculously hard this year. It's like the administration has realized we're almost out of the system, so they figure they might as well start teaching us as much as humanly possible. If I make it through the year with my 3.7 GPA, it'll be a miracle.

In other news, my brother left for school again on Friday. I must admit that it's quieter around here without him. I worry so much about him over there at that school, with all those huge boys and drill sargent teachers. I've always been protective of him, even though he drives me crazy on occasion. My sister has gone back to college, so it's just me here. I'm not cut out to be an only child.

On the dating front, it's all gotten confusing. The guy I've talked about recently is falling out of the picture. I've decided that he isn't right for me...plus, he's off at college. I'm not stupid enough to think he won't be hanging around dozens of other girls. I'm to see him tomorrow, and I'm ridiculously unsure about it. Part of me want to avoid him entirely, which I obviously can't, in good conscience, do. But I digress.
Now to relay my thoughts on another subject..

It's terrible how the one guy I know of right now that is a great guy, attractive, and likes me, is the one guy I can't see myself with. I just don't get why my brain/heart works the way it does. Who knows, maybe one day I will wake up and have feelings for him, but not today.

I read a book today, which helped to calm my system. There's nothing like a novel to escape your own life for a while.

Now, I must try to sleep. Although I'm sure my attempts will be unsuccessful.

Hasta luego.
Anna

Random blog time.

It's been a long day. Quizzes, tests, and showchoir practice. But I'm here to blog about more important things.
Guys.

In case some of you don't know, I haven't kissed a guy.
Everyone done gasping and being shocked? Okay, then I'll move on.
That fact used to bother me, but I'm fine with it now. I don't feel like any kind of failure, or some sort of prune. I realize I could have kissed someone by now if I'd put my mind to it..but here's my thinking.

I am quite sure that when I want to kiss someone; I will. But I just haven't met somebody I want to give that too yet. Maybe people think I'm dumb for holding out, but I tend not to care what other people think.
Not to say that I haven't been in love; I have. He lived hundreds of miles away, and lied to me through his teeth, but I loved that boy. And I compromised so much for him, I'm ashamed to tell people about it. I said things to him that never should have come out of my mouth in a million years. He told me he loved me, and I believed him because I needed to. I needed to tell myself that it was okay to say what he wanted, because he loved me.
We haven't talked in over a year now, but I swear it still hurts to think about him. I believed him that much. I wasn't anything to him, but he was my everything. I feel sure that if he had lived closer to me, I would not be a virgin right now. That is how blind I was.
I say all that to say this:
I'm different now, and I don't ever want to be like that again. I don't want to get so far gone that I lose sight of who I am. I haven't "dated" anyone, because I needed to be sure of myself first.
Now that I am, I look around and I don't see anyone who stands out. I don't want stupid relationships anymore; I don't want to just fall for someone who doesn't even know where their own ground is.

People say that you should live while you're young. But since when does "live" mean "waste life"? I don't want normal. And if that means I don't kiss someone til college, then so be it. I don't want to regret anything.

When my future daughter asks me "Mama, who was your first true love?" I want to be able to look at my husband, back at her and say "He's right over there, honey."

Maybe that makes me silly.

Just to let everyone know..just because I haven't kissed a guy does not, by any means, mean that I don't think about sex. Cause I freaking do, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I'm sixteen, my brain just goes there occasionally.

Anyway, that's where I am with myself. All in all, I'm content with it.

I know my blogs are bipolar; I can't help it. In my defense, I'm on my period and mood swinging.

That's all for now.

Love,
Anna

I don't know where to start.

You know how it feels when you think you have everything in place, then someone jumps in and blows it all up?
That's how I feel at the moment.

There's this guy. I've known him for a while and always thought he was cute..but Tuesday we started texting. Now I don't even know what planet I'm on, I'm that confused.
I like him. Well, I think I do. I like the him I know so far. He's funny, cute, honest, and completely sweet. I didn't think I could ever see myself with him, but there's just something about him that confuses that notion too.
I find myself happy to see his name pop up in my phone, my face gets red when he looks right at me. I just don't know anymore.
He's not my "perfect guy", true. But he's mixing me up.

When he tells me something, I believe him. I've believed guys before and ended up broken, but I can't help it.

I don't know how we'd be able to make anything work out. He's going to college next week, after all.

Maybe I'm just psyched out, and this is nothing. Maybe I'm just hormonal and crazy. Maybe this is just another failed attempt,
But what if it isn't?

I'm scared of relationships. I'm scared to let anyone close to me, because I don't know what they'll think if they look too closely. I'm scared of messing things up, and of being used. I distance myself inmedietly from anyone who gets too interested.
But I have to jump sometime. I could die tomorrow, and never get another chance.

I can't live my whole life in a corner by myself and then just get married randomly one day. I've got to chill out, and let people in.

That's all I have for tonight..
Love,
Anna.

Weekend blog.

The weekend started out badly, since my period had me curled up on my bathroom floor like I'd been shot in the abdomen..but things could only go up from there, right? And they have..slightly, anyway.

I slept most of the day today, which was fine with me. When I was awake, I texted people.
One of whom was the guy I mentioned earlier. I still don't know about him. He calls me "babe" and "darlin" and "sweetheart" like he's liked me forever, but we just started texting this week? Part of my brain thinks he's just lonely and talking to the first girl he thought of. I think he just wants someone, and who it is doesn't particularly matter. He showed up on my Facebook newsfeed talking to some gorgeous girl(s). Just talking, but saying some of the same stuff he says to me all the time. Which sucks. I know I don't have any kind of claim on him, but it still bothered me. I'm probably stupid for that, but there it is.

I was driving home the other day, and I just got this "stop trying to date in highschool" thing in my head. Out of nowhere, there it was. I got freaked out. I still don't know if that was God or what..I guess I'd better figure it out.

I've realized that I don't need a guy to feel good about myself, and that is a total accomplishment for me. I used to be in the whole "I'm ugly, boys don't like me" mentality. And that was NOT healthy, let me tell ya. Now, I can honestly say that I'm alright. Sure, some days are a little lonely; and I wish someone wanted me in that way..but most days? I'm good. I figure that God made me the way I am, I should just learn to accept it.

On that note..this guy? He says he wants me. But he wants too much too quickly. He expects me to know whether or not I like him like, yesterday. And I don't know. I don't even know if I'm supposed to date anyone right now. So I have no idea what to do.

I should go to sleep, I've got church tomorrow.


Adios,
Anna

Boys, Boys, Boys.

Act like you mean it.
Keep your brain in your head and out of your pants.
Respect me.
Make me feel like a queen.
Don't make me just another name in your contacts whose name you check when sending out flirty messages.
Show me how different you are.
Love God more than anything else..including football.
Don't tell me you love me after one day- I'll know you're lying.
Tell me the truth, even if you don't want to.
Tell me I deserve it, even though I won't believe you.
Treat me the same in front of your friends as you would alone.
Quit trying to get me to have sex with you, it's not happening.
Share your dreams with me.
Don't just say it. Prove it.



So that's my list. In no particular order, and the things don't necessarily all go together.

I thought I'd go on and get it out of my brain, it was wasting space.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow- I will grab the world by its collar and tell it to stop screwing with me.
Tomorrow- I will look life in the face and tell it to leave me alone.
Tomorrow- I will kindly remind fate that nobody asked it to butt in.
Tomorrow- I will surprise the people waiting for me to fall.
I'll show them that I've had too many yesterdays to learn from.

I don't know why I'm thinking of this..

But while I am, I'd like to take a breif moment and discuss how people tend to make wrong assumptions about me.

The first, most often occurring misconception about me is that I never do anything wrong. That, for the record, is bull crap. I've been known to be a terrible person, and me feeling as if I have to state that aloud is proof of the fact that people have terrible powers of obseration.

Just because I don't do some of the more common "wrong, bad" things doesn't mean I'm innocent. Au contraire, I'm very guilty. Guilty of, as it were- "sin against God and against man". On a regular, recurring basis. I mess up. All the time. For people to put me on any sort of pedestal is ludacris.

Some people, I think, would gladly encourage the misconceived aura of perfection I've been assumed to have. But not me. I refuse to be thought more of than I am. See me as me..imperfect, sinful me.

Folks think I can't have fun because I don't mike, drink, or have sex. They think I'm "too good" to have a good time. I don't know why, but that gets on my nerves.

To put it plainly, in case any of you were wondering; I'm not perfect. Not even close. So stop it.


P.S. I'm sorry for the big words and long sentences. I read a book earlier, and it set me thinking in that tone of voice. I'm weird like that sometimes.

It's me again, down here.

Again, I'm in a weird mood- for no reason at all.

As I was driving into my driveway earlier, I thought about the time I wrecked my bike and my daddy carried me all the way back to my house. Sometimes I wish life could be like that. When I wreck something, someone just picks me up and carries me. But no.
When I have wrecked plans, wrecked ideals, or wrecked relationships..there isn't anyone to carry me. Jesus is always with me, of course, and He helps. But I have to get up on my own and walk back to the starting point. Sometimes that's a lot harder than the actual wrecking part.

Speaking of wrecks, the guy I thought was perfect for me..isn't. Shocker. I don't even know what happened. Maybe the end was coming all along, and I just had my eyes closed until the last few seconds. But he had so many great things about him, I just ignored all the not great parts. And as I found out, ignoring something doesn't make it go away.

He was so mature in his faith, it was sexy. He did devotions every day, prayed, tried to seek God. Completely hot. He was funny, smart, able to hold an intelligent conversation. But he was also a flirt, had a huge ego, and didn't think I was worth explaining himself when he'd disappear for weeks. And I ignored it.

I'm mostly over it, now. I've just realized that the next time I try to give my heart to somebody, it's gonna be for real. No looking back. And that means I have to be extra careful who I throw it to. Heartbreak is a messy song that I've had to sing more often that I should've. I didn't guard my heart, and now it isn't quite as whole as it used to be. I just tend to fall fast, and hard. I don't stop and think, or question it. And that's a dangerous tendency. So I'm going to be careful this time. When God has someone for me, I think He'll give me a heads-up.

Last night I dreamed I was a mother, and my son played guitar..my daughter was still little, but she had the prettiest laugh. What I never saw was my husband..I knew (in that weird feeling you get in dreams) that I did have a husband..I just never saw his face. Freaky.

Most sixteen year old girls don't think about what their husband will be like, but I guess I'm weird like that. I have all these dreams for my life, all these hopes. Who's to say if that's all they are? I guess I'll know when I get there. Today, I'll just worry about today.

School starts tomorrow..and I don't know how I feel about it. Exited, but scared..anxious and nervous.

Tonight (well, last night. It's morning now) was fun. I went out with two of my friends. One guy, one girl. I've decided I need more guy friends; they're great.

I really should go to sleep now..my last day before junior year started about forty-five minutes ago. But first, while I'm thinking about it..

My parents are hard on me about grades. I consider myself a generally smart person. Last year I had four A's and one B. I speak intelligently most of the time, and I write a pretty good paragraph. But my parents aren't satisfied. They're already on me, and school hasn't started yet. I guess this year I should really try, since it's one of my last chances to prove myself with highschool.

And now, I'm really going to go to sleep.

Goodnight..or rather, good morning.

Love,
Anna

It's been a weird weekend.

So I'm in a weird mood.

I went to a friends house after showchoir practice Friday, along with five other girls. And it was there that I realized; we're not the same people we were in the sixth grade. Not only are we more attractive on the outside (thank goodness), our insides are different too. The things that we had in common that forged our friendship are disappearing. The only question is- do we have enough new material to continue the song?
We graduate in a year and a half. We're going to go off and live our lives. And that makes me scared. I don't want to grow up, because I'm scared that means growing apart.
Sometimes I look around at my friends, realize how different I am than all of them, and I freak out. We're all such different people. Things aren't the same. I piddled around and sped through my childhood.
Now's the time when people start looking at us and expecting us to decide for ourselves, make our own way, know right from wrong. We have to start being our own selves, or get lost in the crowd. I know all of my friends are making their own way, but I'm terrified that the way I'm headed doesn't end up the same place theirs does.

The girls I've had as best friends since Elementary are changing, and so am I. Am I the only one who thinks like this? Sometimes I think that I must be.

School starts next week. The beginning of my junior year. I'll start touring colleges, taking the ACT, go to prom. I can't believe I've gotten this far in life and not noticed until now. I look at these people I've known for years, and it's like I have smoke in my eyes. I can't see past so far, because I don't know them like I used to.
I honestly can also say that none of them know me like they used to, either.

I'm scared, because I can't see what comes next. I can't fathom what life will be like this time next year. All my constants are variables all of a sudden. I don't know what my next step is, or if there's even ground to catch me.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? I sometimes think that I must be.

I can't wait to turn eighteen..

And get the heck out of this house.

I just spend the last week babysitting my brother on that God-forsaken trip, when I could've been somewhere else, doing something I'd rather do. But I went because my parents wanted me to. And the thanks I get?

Confinement to the house. Not because I've done anything wrong, but because my parents say "it wouldn't kill you to spend some time at home". Correction: it might just do exactly that. I hate being here, stuck in this house. For no reason at all. They say "we just let you go to Branson for a week, you need to stay home for a while!".
She LET me go?! I had a CRAP time, and she holds it over my head like it was a sacrifice for her?

I am a reasonably good daughter. I don't do drugs, drink, have sex, or stay out all night. I tolerate my insane brother, and I make good grades. As a reward, I get the guilt trip everytime I want to leave this Hellhole.

It isn't fair. My sister runs off to Oxford every weekend, but God forbid I be gone two nights in a row. She's off screwing her boyfriend, and I can't even go to the movies with my friends. My brother gets to act like a dang crazy child in public, buy I can't spend the night with a friend.

And whenever I try to point any of this out to my mother, she cries and is all "well I don't know what to tell you, you don't have to think it's fair". Then she goes off, cries, is ticked at me, and makes me feel miserable for telling her what I think.
I wish my concience would let me just all-out rebel, because I think it would wake my parents up to how lucky they have it.

But no. I won't do that. Because I'm a good daughter, even if I don't get any credit at all for it.

I'm about to kill these people.

All of them. I'm sick of being in enclosed spaces with people that aren't my family. In my brother's case, I'm sick of being in enclosed spaces with someone who can't just behave himself.

We're heading home today, thank God. One more day and I'd be forced to commit a violent act of some kind. I swear, if my brother doesn't shut up...

I'm a woman on the edge. These folks should stop pushing me.

Dear God, let this bus ride go by quickly.

-Anna.

God, Branson, and sleep depravity.

Okay. So for the past week I've been in Branson, Missouri with my youth group for Student Life. It's been a long trip, so I've got a lot to blog about.

I really got closer to God this week, and I learned a lot about the people in my youth group. Some things I could've done without knowing.

The speaker was awesome. He made some fantastic analogies.. He was Iranian, so he was always making jokes about terrorists.

My throat hurt this entire week. I think I must be seriously sick or something. I've also had a nearly- constant headache, but that might be because of my brother.

You know a little about my brother, right? He is the most socially insufficient person I know. He doesn't understand how not to be completely weird. There haven't been any major disasters this week, I've just been stressed. I worry about people making fun of him; I worry about what he'll say in certain situations. I'm scared he'll embarrass me, or hurt someone's feelings, or say the wrong thing and get punched. I worry about all these things because they are totally feasible. He doesn't know right from wrong, it's not his fault.

People don't get it. I get so mad when people make fun of him, because they can't understand why he is the way he is. It also ticks me off when people act like he's stupid.

On another note, I'm so sick of these people in my youth group, I could scream. They're all nice people, but I'm tired of being around them. I need a break. I miss my house, my parents. When I get home I don't plan on going anywhere for at least three days.

There were cute guys there, but we didn't get to associate with them. We had to spend the whole day with, yes, our youth group.

Speaking of cute guys, I'm done with the one I've liked for the past month. He's stopped talking to me, and I'm too young to sit around waiting on guys. He's still hot though, God bless him.

Now I'm on the church van, headed to Eureka Springs to watch the Passion Play. I'm exited about it, but Im also ready to get the heck home.

I'm sitting in the very back, and it is hot as fire back here.

But I'll talk to you when I get back to my homestead.

Lovelovelove..
Anna

My first blog on a real computer!

So normally I use my phone to blog, but today I'm on the laptop!

I am SO tired. I thought I was tired yesterday, but no. Today, I am tired. I get one day at home, then I'm off again. Speaking of which, I think I'll complain a bit about that for a while. If you don't mind.

If I make it through the week, it'll be a miracle. I'm already not feeling well, and I haven't even left yet. I'll have to be watching my brother all the time because my Youth Minister, while being a very nice, well-meaning man, couldn't control an elementary schooler. As a result, I'll be baby-sitting all week.

Another thing is the other people going. I don't know how much my patience can take.

Maybe it won't be so bad. I invited one girl I know, so maybe I'll be able to tolerate more.

I'm just too tired to write anymore. Sorry folks.

Love,
Anna

Hello, exhaustion.

Gosh I'm tired. If someone came and attacked me right now, I doubt I'd have much of a reaction; because all the adrenaline is gone from my body.

I'm not just physically tired, I'm emotionally drained. I've been so over emotional over the past few weeks that now I'm just done. Getting excited seems like a foreign concept.

My friends and I went to Six Flags today! (even putting that exclamation point drains me) We went on four roller coasters, and that was basically it. On the last one, I blacked out for a second or two; so that turned me off towards coasters for the rest of the time.

Speaking of my friends.. They're all too pretty. I feel bad about myself just walking in a room with them. I don't consider myself ugly, but compared to them I look like a twelve year old. Everyone tells me I'll be thankful for my young looks later, but I don't care about later. Right now it's lame.
I mean, is it too much to ask for some boobs already? I'm sixteen, and still completely small. People tell me I'm big "proportionally" but just not compared to anyone else. I hate it. I don't feel sexy or pretty, I feel like people think I'm still in Elementary school. I'm seriously considering a boob job when I get old enough.

As for guys? Well, to them I'm "cute" or "beautiful"..but it's never enough to make any of them stick around for any length of time. It's not exactly an ego boost.

Next week I'm off to Student Life, and I'm completely worried about it. I'm scared my brother will act up and I won't be able to stop him, I'm scared of making people mad at me(long story), I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate on Jesus at all while I'm there because of all the other things going on.

Summer is almost over, and I've become no closer to where I wanted myself to be this time last year. It's scary. I feel like I'm racing against time or something.

I could cry, but I couldn't give a logical reason for it. I'm just being sixteen. My emotions are the only things that go along with my age.

I'm tired, have I mentioned that?

Later,
Anna

Good morning, world!

So, I'm up. Not "up" exactly, but awake.
Lately I've been having the hardest time going to sleep at night. I'll get in the bed at ten-ish, and I won't go to sleep until around one. No idea why it is, other than the fact my brain just will not shut up.

I think of all kinds of things in three or so hours I lie awake in bed. Guys, my future, college, what I'll major in, what I'm doing with my life, what I'm not doing with my life. It's all very stressful. I think I need some kind of sleeping pill, because this insomnia act is not working for me.

Still no word on the guy front. I'm still just waiting around for a guy whose main ambition is not to A) get in my pants B) try every alcoholic beverage known to human kind or C) act like a complete fool until they turn thirty.

Maybe it seems like I'm prejudice against men, because I am. They've made me this way. I used to believe everything a guy told me, and I learned my lesson.
I don't get many offers on serious relationships, but I'm cool with it. Most of the guys I know think "serious" means "sex". Not all of them, but quite a few.

In case you haven't noticed, I won't be having sex until I'm married. I made God that promise years ago. I'm getting older, and it's getting harder. But I won't change my beliefs.

I have piano lesson today, which I've already mentioned not liking.

I'm going to six flags the day after tomorrow, and I am soo excited.:)
Now, my family is shouting downstairs, so I'd better be off.

Until next time,
Anna

Life isn't easy, but that's never surprised anyone.

When I get to Heaven, one of the things I'll ask God is, "why can't we all just get along?". The next question would be asking Him to explain what nothingness actaually is.
But here's something that the past few day's events has inspired me to think up.

I know I'm not your one, or your only. I'm not that stupid, not yet.
But you act like you want me, then hours later..you seem to forget.
Tell me now if you plan on staying, because I can't keep hanging round..
If you're just gonna go again, tell me, so I can go on and quit now.
You seem like you could be everything, but you just aren't mine.
I know I'm not your one or your only, I can't be that stupid this time.

Not special, but it's what was in my head.

So! I'm going to six flags on Wednesday!! Whoo! So excited about it. I'm a tiny bit of an adrenaline junkie, so I'm pumped about the rollar coasters.

That's about all that's going on, really. Other than a few family dysfuntions and some friend drama. It's not really worth the time it would take to type. So I'm off.

Adeiu,
Anna

Bittersweet day.

*exhales*
Today was another very long day. It started off bad.. I woke to my brother and sister screaming at each other. As the day went on, things got better. I saw one of my best friends that I hadn't seen in forever, which was great.
Then things turned bad again. My brother got baptized tonight, so we were cleaning up before the preacher came. My brother started being nearly intolerable, and pushed my sister to tears.

People don't understand why he is the way he is. Heck, I don't even fully understand. He has terrible ADHD, and has been on medicine his whole life. Some days he's fine, other days he makes me want to hate him. Which I can't do, of course, but still.

The preacher came and baptized him, and things have been pretty quiet since then.

I have to go take care of my grandaddy tomorrow. I also have piano, which I haven't practiced since last week. I was supposed to learn two new songs, but I kept putting it off. Tomorrow I go back, and I can't even practice beforehand because there isn't a piano at my grandparent's house.

On top of all that, my other friend expects me to eat lunch with her tomorrow, which would leave absolutely no time to practice anything, unless I wake up at about five a.m. So either she'll be mad at me, or my piano teacher will. Have I mentioned that I hate people being mad at me? Because I do.

I'm almost ready for school to start back. My mama tells me my lessons are "just for the summer" and I can "tolerate it until school starts". Plus, school gives me a schedule. I do better with schedules, obviously.

On another note, I hate asking my parents to let me do things. Because I know that they'll either say no, or hold it over my head for at least a week. And Mama, especially. She acts so pained when I ask to go somewhere. She'll grimace and go "Anna, now...". Which is followed by her guilt triping me into saying "well, if you really would rather I not go..", to which she responds "I'd rather you just stay home today. You and -insert name- can do something next week."
It's a depressing dialogue that I've memorized by heart. When I do insist on going, she throws up her hands and then it's "fine! Go! But don't expect to go anywhere else for the rest of the week!!"

-.-

And that is the story of my life. My friends think I hate them because my parents keep refusing to let me go anywhere.
Typing all this nearly makes me cry, but I can probably blame that on hormones.

I probably won't sleep much tonight. Having so many thoughts in one's head can be distressing. It also makes it very hard to chill out long enough to get to sleep.

I'll do my devotion, then I'll probably read a while.

Thanks for listening!
Always,
Anna

Long day. Good, but long.

Today has lasted years, it seems like. Do you ever feel that way? I think about this morning and I suddenly become very tired. Let's see, where to start...
I went walking this morning, then cleaned around the house- ran errands. Then one errand required me going forty minutes away. Since I hadn't seen my best friend in a few days, I asked her to come with me. We get lost downtown, but we find our way back again.
Upon returning home, I get ready to go to church with my daddy. On the way there, we continue our always-running discussion about racism.
Now my daddy is a very impartial lawyer who does his best to help whoever comes to him, regardless of race. He also would never condone the withholding of rights based on race. But when it comes to me and my social life, he might as well be back on the plantation.
As much as I argue with him about equality, he just will not accept mixed race relationships. Personally, I think love is blind.
Anyway, he considers my best friend a "bad influence" because she has quite a few guy friends who just happen to be black. I admit that here, below the Mason-Dixon Line, blacks and whites do have different cultures and behavioral aspects. So yes, my friend does act differently than most white people around here. But that's one of the reasons I like her. My daddy has just been too engrained in racism, he doesn't see past it when it comes to the people I hang out with.

However, this same friend just got in trouble, so now I have taxi her to and from school for another month because her parents postponed her getting her liscense. This slightly agitates me, I won't lie. I love that girl, but some days I just wanna go straight home, you know?

That's all I've got for now.
Ttfn!

Love,
Anna

I'm running away to join the convent...

..just kidding. But it might not be a terribly bad idea. Those nuns probably have more freedom than I do.
I've started making a list of things my father dissaproves of. So far the count is over thirty, and I only started a few hours ago.
I know I should be grateful that my parents care so much about my well being, but I'm sixteen, for goodness' sakes. I want to do things with my friends. Is that wrong? It's not like I want to go out, get drunk, get high, or sleep around. I just want to go intertubing with some friends. But no.
My friends have stopped asking me to do things, because they know my parents will say no.
The unfairness of life is astounding at times.
I consider myself a good kid. I've never drank alcohol(other than wine), done drugs, had sex, or snuck out. But my parents still want me at home at least five nights a week.

I just stopped by to complain a little, really. I'm done now, soo..

Over&Out.
Anna

Lazy day.. Finally.

I am happy to say that I did a whole lot of nothing today. I woke up around lunchtime, ate. Then I went to piano. Oh yea, I'll tell you about my piano lessons.

So I want to teach music when I get out of school. I'm pretty rational most days, and I understand I need to further my piano skills if I want to major in music. My original music teacher and I had been working mainly on vocals, so my mama signed me up to take from this man from our church. He's a nice man, but I can barely tolerate taking from him.

He lives in a double wide trailer in the middle of nowhere, accompanied only by a gigantic German Shepherd named Judah. He smokes like a freight train and never wears shoes or shirts with sleeves. Judah the dog attacks the screen door anytime anyone tries to come in, and only allows them go actually do so after he has sniffed them, growling the whole time. The process is very unnerving.
This man is a musical genious, but his house smells like a giant cigarette-bomb went off. I always leave with a headache. He smokes at least three cigarettes while I'm there, sometimes more.
I've complained about it to my mother, but I basically have to deal with it.

Since today had been so uneventful, I really have nothing more to say!

Until next time,
Love x 3,
Anna

What a long week it's been!

Whew, I'm exhausted! I feel like I've been running a marathon or something. When in reality, I've done no such thing! Let me see if I can accurately chronicle my recent activities.

Monday, I had friends over and we went exploring in a rather rural bit of my county. i.e. dirt roads. Somewhere along the way, I misplaced my sense of direction and ended up miles away from where I intended. But it was a great adventure!
Tuesday was more of the same. I took my friends home and then went to the orthodontist. S.N- braces are terrible. I'm glad I'll had pretty teeth one day, but right now they just hurt.
Wednesday I went four hours away to see a concert with my friends. A Toby Mac and Chris Tomlin concert, actually. It was great!! I had an awesome time. They're both Christian performers and I really needed some down time with God.
Today I've basically spent recovering from the concert. Along the way I ate a bit and got some super cute shorts.

Wait, what am I doing? Telling about my week when it isn't even over yet! Silly me.

In other news, my lie life right now is at a big whomping zero. The guy I like (a lot) isn't talking to me anymore. No reason why, he just disappeared. That whole "dissapearing" thing is starting to become a pattern among the guys I talk to. Perhaps I'm cursed.

My brother comes home from camp Saturday! I'm glad.

But now I'll stop, my thumbs need a break. Adeiu, until then.

Lovelovelove,
Anna

Blogging attempt number one!

I've never done a blog before, but I've always wanted to. I guess I should tell a little about myself, huh?

Well, I'm Anna. That's the only name you'll get from me, since I'd just rather not get kidnapped or some such. I'm sixteen, and I live in the middle of nowhere. For fun, people around here go sit in parking lots and other exciting things like that. My town has zero stoplights, no walmart, no mall, and no restaraunts. It does, however, have a gas station and several types of livestock. This is where I live.

I love Jesus, He's the best friend I've got. If you have a problem with my belief, I'm sorry. I won't bother you if you do the same for me.

My other friends are wonderful. We have our fights, but we usually end up smarter because of them.

Guys will probably be a big topic in this blog. I mean, I am a teenage girl, after all. At the moment, for example, I like this guy.. He seems to be all that and a big shiny bow. Problem is, I'm stuck in the friend zone. And if anyone has any suggestions about how I can get out of this zone (suggestions that don't involve me taking my clothes off), feel free to give them.

My family is dysfunctional. Whose isn't?

Random facts: my car's name is Gladys, my phone's name is Wendy. I hate it when people mix up "there", "their", and "they're".. I love music, it's basically my second language. I've always wanted to be able to play the violin. Oh, and I'm a very small-sized person.

That's all I've got for tonight. It's been lovely blogging with you.
I'll be back soon.

Lovelovelove,
Anna