Here's that happy post I promised!

I'm in an exceptionally good mood, which is strange, since my day/week hasn't been all that.
But I digress.

I've read not one, but two great books in the past three days. Reading helps me put things in perspective.
Say my life is not going so well..I read a while and I can go "well, at least I'm not secretly a witch and everyone is out to burn me alive!"
See? Perspective.

I've been such a flirt lately. For real. Even with guys I don't like at all. Prehaps I'm just being a teenager. Although I've had to restrain myself from flirting with this one guy, because my best friend likes him. And she's much too..hmm..sensitive for me to even think about it.

My other best friend is now dating one of my guy friends. Being the strong-willed, outspoken, over-protective friend that I am, I'm also having to control my mouth and my opinions about/over it. She's happy, and therefore, I am happy. I won't rain on her parade needlessly.

Diverting a little from the post's title, I have to mention..yes, you guessed it. Guys. Now bear with me, I'm just in need of a little senseless, unnecessary rambling.
Everytime I mention a guy's name around my friends, they all are like "*raises eyebrows* oooo! Who is thaaaat? Are y'all together??"
I know that they do this out of sheer intrest in my life. But it makes me feel like (hold on to your horses, this makes no sense) they're trying to include me in the whole "guy" topic of conversation because they feel sorry for me. It's like they don't want to accept the fact that there is NO one at this point in time.

Anyhoo, back to cheerful topics. I got my Halloween costume ordered! It's super cute, I hope it fits!
I'm already planning what to do next summer..I've got a trillion things lined up as possibilities, but there is no way I can fit everything into two months.

Oh goodness!! I've had my Crest Whitestrips on my teeth for way too long! What if my teeth fall out or something?!

Toothlessly (hopefully not) yours,
Anna

Random Ramblings.

I'm allowed to have a phase, right?
You know, the time when adults look at teenagers an say "Oh, -insert whatever here-'s just a phase."
Well. Here's mine.
I've been really down on myself lately. As, I'm sure, you all can tell from my recent posts. I don't feel pretty, therefore, I don't see myself as pretty. I feel like guys find me un-likable for whatever reason. This is taking a toll on my quality of life.
So, I'm gonna make a list of things I like about myself. Physical or otherwise.
-ahem.-
I like my eyes. They're a mix between my grandmama's and my sister's.
I like my skin. I hardly ever break out.
My teeth are pretty.
When I smile, my eyes squint up so it looks like they're smiling too.
I like my legs in skirts.
I like my hands. They're dainty.
My waist is pretty small.
I can sing. I can make people laugh. I cheer people up.


That's all I've got for now. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm only as ugly as I think I am. So no more body-bashing, "I wish I looked like her."
Not out loud, anyway.
Sure, I'm still self-concious. But I can't dwell on it.

I've gotta sleep now.
Adios!
Carpe diem.

Ridin' Solo..again.

So! Last week was incredibly busy, which explains my lack of blogging lately. I do apologize, although I'm not sure exactly to whom I am apologizing.

It was homecoming..filled with crazy costumes and crazy people. It was fun, overall. But it was during last week that I had my epiphany.
The guy I've liked since seventh grade is annoyed by me. And surprisingly, this realization didn't make me want to go cry in a corner. Maybe I've just liked the idea of him more than him actually all this time. What a waste.
Now there's no one. Not a single Y chromosome on the horizon. And I'm lonely. I'm not going to lie, there's no point in it. I'm lonesome.
There's nothing wrong with feeling alone, especially when you are. Alone, that is. I'd like to be wanted, even if it was just a little, by someone I want back.

Everyone around is so happy and together. And I'm happy, but I'm by myself.
People are always telling me how beautiful I am, how gorgeous, how wonderful. And yet, here I am. With no one willing enough to stay. So, of course, anytime anyone gives me previously mentioned compliments, I don't believe them. Thus, my lack of self-esteem.
But I'm also vain. Terribly so. Tell me how that make any sense and I'll give you a present.

I know you all must be sick of my whiney blog posts. But complaining makes me feel a bit better.

At the homecoming dance, I realized I can't count every time I've walked away from a slow song, simply because I had no one to dance with. I can get my single dance on during fast songs, but the slow ones depress me. Which led to this post.

Again, I'm sorry for the lame-ness. My next post will be more cheerful, I promise.

Love,
Anna

Missed me?

I haven't blogged in forever, and for that I truly apologize. While I'm apologizing, I'll go ahead and say "sorry!" if this post isn't up to expectations.
I'm incredibly hungry, and doubtlessly, that will affect the length of this particular post.

Let's see. Recently? I've been up to a lot of nothing. A little nothing is good. Too much nothing, however, is not.

I got my braces off!! How lame is it that that's the most interesting thing that has happened to me in weeks? But my teeth are all straight..and though they're huge, I am proud of them. I went through two and a half years for those teeth.

On the guy front (S.N. When I say "guy front" I think of an actual guy's front. So I generally avoid transitioning into this topic with that particular phase. But I'll use it just this once.), there's no one. I mean, I still like that one guy, but other than that? There just aren't guys that like me at the moment. That's probably my fault, at least partially. I don't exactly put myself out there when it comes to relationships. But regardless, there just isn't anyone beating down the door for me today, you know?
No point in worrying over it, anyway.

My mother has made me an appointment with the gynecologist next month. I don't know why, but I am, literally, mortified at the thought. The doctor she's chosen for me is a man. Now, I know that he's a doctor, and that my mama will be with me the whole time..but that does not make me overlook the fact that he is a man.
I refuse to believe that no part of his brain reacts when he has his hand halfway up a sixteen-year-old girl. It is just simply inconceivable, and in my opinion-blatantly untrue to think otherwise.
The reason I'm going is because my periods are terrible. I don't see why he can't just give me some drugs without a "breast exam" and such. Call me old-fashioned, but I just get uncomfortable thinking about an old man who I've never met before telling me to take my shirt off so he can feel on my boobs. *shudder*
I've had nightmares, but my mom is still making me go.

I worry entirely too much. It's starting to effect my sleeping pattern. I really should stop, but it's a bad habit.

Now..if I don't get some food into my system, bad things will happen. So, adios.
Hasta luego!
Anna

Dear God, what have I become?

Bahhh. It's been a very, very long day. So I shall start at the beginning. But stick around, the end gets interesting.

It started out a good day. I got McDonalds and everything. I made a better-than-I-thought-I-would grade on my A&P test. Then I go with the choir to sing at the nursing home down the road from the school. The old people were adorable.
Good day so far.
We get back, I go to English, flirt a little with the guy I've liked for years (make note of this: mention of him recurrs later on.), and get a zero on my homework. It's still a good day. Fast forward: Lunch, Choir, then to Math, then Spanish.
In Spanish, my teacher makes a comment towards me about how this guy and I would be cute together. Awkwardness.
So I've made it through the school day, and it's still being classified as a good day.

Now I go run errands with my girl Kristi, we meet up with another friend and the aforementioned "this guy," who also goes by Matt. We go to McDonalds and play in the play place. Still, good day. Bordering on very good day.

We go to the game, goof off. Then we start taking about guys (or with Matt, girls). I say something about the previously mentioned "guy I've liked for years.", Matt goes "Gosh, you're like in love with him."
In my brain I say, "Only since the seventh grade.", but outside I just go "Yep."
He says, "I mean, you know you have like no chance with him."


Bad day.
He said some other stuff after that, but I didn't really hear it. Isn't it crazy how one sentence can send your brain off a cliff? Instantly my head goes, "He's right. God, Anna, you're pathetic. Liking someone for YEARS that you have no chance with."

Kristi, sweet Kristi, gets her serious "Shut up, you've hurt her feelings." face out. Then Matt just gets up and leaves. I don't go after him, cause my feelings were, in fact, hurt.

After five minutes, Matt (who still hasn't come back) sends me a text with like a million "sorry"s. I call him, and ask him where he is. He's at Quizznoes. Like a mile away.
Apparently, he runs when he gets mad at himself. He starts apologizing again, saying he feels like an asshole. I tell him to get his butt back to the game..

He does.
At first he won't talk to me, but then he continues to tell me what a jerk he is. I tell him I forgive him, and I do. It was adorable how upset he was that he upset me.
But driving home? I cried. Not because of what he said, but of how true it was. I really am pathetic. Desperate. Idiotic.
What, am I really that dumb?
To think that the quarterback of the football team, the funny, smart, sexy guy would like me?
No. No, I am not that stupid. I've learned to live in reality. I've had to.

If Matt knew how what he said got in my brain and wreaked havoc, he'd prolly hit himself in the face. Which I don't want at all. He's such a good guy. He'd never intentionally say anything to upset me.

Again, it's not what he said. It's everything. I delude myself into thinking that this guy likes me, and it hurts a little to have reality shoved on you.

I prayed about it, aloud, on the way home. I basically told God that I didn't have any idea what comes next. And I still don't.

I'm about to do my devo and then sleep. Maybe I'll get some kind of revelation in the night. Then again, maybe not.

Until then,
Anna

It's me again.

Which I'm sure all of you are excited about.
This blog post is dedicated to all the random thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain lately. Which, of course, makes it very un-different to all my other entries.

I say "oh I'm going to do so well in school," then after the second week, I'm just trying to stay alive. School is ridiculos. It's like all of my teachers think that I have no life outside of their class. I've had homework every day.

We're learning a new dance in my dancing class (dance in dancing..imagine that), and it looks really cute so far! Maybe a tad skanky, but still cute. My legs are sore, which is why I felt the need to mention all that.

I'm still staying silent about the new possible love (love is such a strong word. Like, maybe?) intrest. No need to break what isn't broken just for the sake of it. The only guys showing any real "let's hang out" intrest in me at the moment are two guys who, while both being very nice, sweet guys, I can't see myself with. At this point it's hard for me to see myself with anyone. Some days, I dislike myself so much I find it almost unfathomable that anyone else could like me, even enough to be my friend. I may come back and post some things I've written on that subject..

Now this is going to sound stupid to some of you..be forwarned.
I'm scared I'm losing what makes me special. My hair, my voice. I'm not the littlest anymore. Things like that.
I'm terrified of being like everyone else. Maybe that's driven by my selfish want for recognition, but it's still true. The traits that people have identified me by are changing.
My hair is losing its curl, and it hasn't been naturally blonde in over a year. My voice doesn't "wow" people like it seemed to when I was younger. I'm not the shortest, thinnest girl I know of anymore. I know, I probably sound like a crazy woman..but there it is. I pride myself on being different..and I know that my hair isn't me, my voice isn't me. But it's a big, vain part of me. So I'm scared.

I'm getting up way early tomorrow, so I'll take my leave of you.
Thanks, as always, for taking time to read my nonsense.
Comment if you feel the urge.

Until then,
Anna