Delirium.

So, here I am. It is 4:28 AM and I am as wide awake as I was at noon yesterday. I had a terrible headache, and being smart, I took some medicine.

Guess which chick didn't read the side effects?
Yep. This one.

About two hours ago, when I got off the phone, I tried sleeping. It turned into that terrible looking-at-the-clock-every-minute thing. Excruciating. Minutes seemed like years. My mind was running rampant.
Not to say that it has stopped since then.

But anyway. I go and check the box of the medicine I'd taken. It claims to have "the same amount of caffeine as one cup of coffee."
I don't know what kinda coffee these folks are talking about, but it surely isn't any coffee I've ever dealt with. I am wired. And for those of you who know me, you know that sleep is immensely important in my life.
I. Love. Sleep. I could sleep for days and be satisfied. But tonight?
Not happening.

I've tried everything. Singing songs, yoga breathing, attempting to clear my mind. I got up, took my contacts out, put my retainer in. Read three chapters in the book of Matthew. Facebooked. Twittered. Tried to make myself do that almost-dream thing that usually leads to sleep.
Nothing. Nada. I find myself wondering if I'll sleep at all. I have to go get my car fixed in a few hours, after all.

She died, again. But that's another story.

There's something to be said for the things one thinks about in the early morning hours that would probably never occur to that person in daylight. For instance, I'm pretty sure I've come up with solutions to most of the issues in my life in the past year..excuse me, hours..that I've been awake.

My brother talks in his sleep, y'all. Not the funny kind where a person talks about funny things. The creepy scary kind that doesn't involve real words at all. Just a kind of moaning. Normally, this doesn't bother me. Because I am usually NOT AWAKE.
My sister just rolls around in her bed, making noises that suggest that a person is crawling through a window or something.

Also, I'm now fairly certain that there is something very fast, and nocturnal, with tiny clawed feet running around in the attic of my house. Right above my room. More specifically, right above my head. It sounds like someone rapidly ripping shingles off one at a time.
I do hope whatever it is stays up there, and doesn't decide to join me down here.

It is now 4:45. The last time I saw this number on a clock was when I had to wake up insanely early to go somewhere. I am not okay with this, if you've caught on by now. I am incredibly hungry to top it all off. But will I go get food?
No.
Because the second-to-last stair of my staircase creaks like something is dying. It would not only scare me, but wake up the household. "Why not skip that stair?" you ask. Because I would fall and bust myself.

So here I lie. Lay. Whatever. Listening to the rain and my stomach growling. About to resort to cleaning my room.
It's that serious.

I'm going to be a zombie today. Not even the cool kind, either. I might actually be forced to put on makeup to look presentable.
At least I don't have school. That's surely a blessing. But anyway, I'm going to do some more deep breathing in lieu of actual sleep. Maybe I can fool my brain into thinking the two things are the same. We'll see.

Have a good day,
Sorry if I yell at you later on.

From the pits of insomnia,
Lovingly,
Anna.

What a world.

This blog post.
This one right here?
It's about sex.

Disclaimer: My opinions, my views. You don't have to agree with me.

And now that you're paying attention, I'll begin. 
I was watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC  (I'm a fan of wedding dresses. Oh, look at this irony that's about to happen.), and I saw an advertisement for a new show called "The Virgin Diaries." That preview lasted all of two minutes, but it was enough to get me angry.
It portrayed these people as completely awkward, weird, strange losers. Because they'd chosen to not have sex before they were married.

Now I am plenty weird, strange, and awkward. But none of that has anything to do with the fact that I am a virgin.
Could our society be any more self destructive? Why would this show make sense to anyone? With so many children in America in orphanages, with such a high rate of abortion, and with my state being number one in STDs and teen pregnancy, why in the WORLD would anybody be endorsing a television show that turns a sure-fire way to avoid all of those things into a joke?

If everyone is telling everyone else that virginity is something embarrassing and something to be ashamed of, how can there be any hope?
Virginity isn't like getting your hair cut, or buying a new pair of shoes. It's a serious thing. And the media makes into something everyone's racing to get rid of.
My favorite show, Glee, lost serious cool points with me because of how they treated sex. Sex is not a right of passage, it's supposed to be an expression of love and commitment between two people.

Okay, to address a myth that this "Virgin Diaries" show seems to be expounding upon. Just because a person is a virgin, that does not at all mean that that person isn't a sexual person. Virgins aren't a seperate "breed" of person that cringe at all mention of anything over a PG-rating or think of the opposite sex as something scary. God made humans as sexual beings.
For a reason.
Not so we can run around sleeping with whoever we happen to want to, but so we can enjoy sex with our future spouses. Y'all know this, right?

So, for all the people reading this that still have it: Don't apologize for that fact. Don't be looking for ways to get rid of it. Be proud of yourself. Save your virginity for somebody who deserves it.

This isn't supposed to be a post hating on people that have sex. I'm not anybody's mama, nor am I anyone's judge. I can only speak for myself.

And that was me, speaking for myself.

Closed doors.

Closed doors don't really hide anything.
Not really.
Not from the One who sees everything anyway. Maybe they make us feel better, give us this false sense of "If I can't see it, it isn't there."
Too bad it doesn't work like that. All the pain, the misunderstanding. All the fear and worry, or whatever it is that you've got behind your closed doors? It's still there whether you can see it or not.


So why not face it? When it's all screaming at you..scream back. Fight keeping it all hidden away inside you, because that won't help either. Fight. Don't wrench open that door before you prepare yourself..put on the Armor of Christ and go to freaking town on whatever is behind your door.
Stop sitting in the hallway, wishing away all the things you've tried to keep from God. From yourself. It won't go away like that, I promise.


Not to say God will make it go away. Oh, how sometimes I wish it were that simple. But I do not belong to a simple God. Things may not dissapear. It might even get harder.
But at least you'll be able to see what you're facing. And whatever you're facing can see the massive power behind you.


Open the door.
It's scary. Trust me, I know all about scary. But God finds strength in all my weaknesses. He'll take the scary and use it. But you have to try.
I have to try, every day.


But every day I do, it's worth it.


"Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:19, 20 ESV)

I remember how You found me.

Where does the time go?

It seems that after repeating this question so many times I'd have realized that there really isn't an answer.

So why not live one day at a time? I don't mean that one shouldn't plan for the future, only that the future, and whatever it may turn out to be, shouldn't mess up our present, right?

Should the fear of what will happen stop us from acknowledging what is happening right now?

Sorry I don't make much sense. I blame the time change, it's got me all turned around.

        My weekend has been beyond words. I spent Friday with people that I love, Saturday with more fantastic people, and today hasn't dissapointed either.

It's "All Saints" Sunday in the Methodist church.

...

        I'm going to go off on a tangent for a moment and explain my denomination situation to those of you who don't know, okay?

My father is a member of the Church of Christ, and my mother is Methodist. I'm technically a member of the Church of Christ..I was baptized there (August 23rd, 2008), and I claim it. However, I'm still affiliated with the Methodist church. I go to youth there, and to the main church service with my mama occasionally.

I agree with most of the Chruch of Christ's doctrines and practices, not all, but most. But I still sing in the Methodist church's choir when I go there. Mixed up? Not really. I'm more of a melting pot of the two denominations.

But anyway!

...

All Saints Sunday.

        A day of remembering the people from the Church who have passed away and are now saints. I think that as soon as a person becomes a Christian, that person is a saint. But I still am okay with the idea of the Sunday.I cried, of course. I'm an emotional type person. I see people crying and I cry. I can just think of someone crying and..yep, you guessed it. I'll cry.

       My emotions get ahead of my brain sometimes. That's why I'm so afraid of relationships or making important decisions. But I digress.

     The naming of my brothers and sisters in Christ who had gone on to see Him just got to me. But I think of what joy Heaven will be! No worries, no second guessing. All Jesus, all the time. That feeling I get when I'm praising super hard? It'll be there times forty, for forever. I'm pumped.

        People won't be stressing about the government, other people, or anything else because there won't be any stress at all. For someone like me who makes everything a big deal in her head, that's a phenomenal thing to look forward to.

But I'm realizing more and more lately that I can have a glimpse of Heaven on this earth. When I can see God at work everywhere, it's pretty mind blowing.

       I'm gonna brag on somebody here, you know who you are. I've seen this guy come from being lost and stumbling around, to being so on fire for Almighty God that people can't help but to notice. He's taking hardships from his peers and from his family and he's still doing the very best he can.

Inspiration, right there. Seeing someone so devoted to taking up his cross every single day? I mean.

Winning.

        How can you not see God in that? What other explanation is there? None. All the unexpectedness of life that turns into greatness..just another example of every good and perfect thing coming from God.

So when unexpected things happen, look for God. He's got it figured out, even when we don't.

Looking,

Anna

Halloween Eve

What a week, though.

I've aways been the kind of person who feels everything too much. Hurt, affection, anger. I wear my heart too close to my skin some days, other days it's almost impossible to get to. I'm difficult.
I'm going to New York. New York City, with the American Honors Choir. I wrote about this a while back. But now it's actually happening. I'm extatic, of course..but I'm acting really strangely about it.
My first thought after I got over the initial excitement? "Oh, well. It must not be that big of a deal if I made it. Maybe they let everyone in. Or maybe they just wanted diversity..I'm probably the only one from Mississippi and all.

I always do that. I remember when I made the Southern Division Honor Choir..when I got the letter I thought "Oh well. That's weird. Maybe they aren't really that specific about who they let in." Now my parents are telling everyone they come in contact with that I made this new choir..and everyone's fussing about it. And I kinda want to tell everyone it isn't that huge of a deal.
Doesn't that just not make any sense at all? I like attention, I'm not gonna lie. I like being on stage, and I like people thinking that I'm talented. So I don't understand why when people brag on me, I want to hide?
Strange.

I mean, not that I've ever claimed to be anything else.

Tomorrow is Monday again, it always does roll around eventually. I'll take it with a smile. I've got a lot of explaining to do about my weekend, but I'm ready to see my beautiful friends.
I'm in one of my poetic moods, where I listen to my Indie, singer/songwriter music and I drink hot chocolate. I watch old musicals and sing along.

It's a good day. I'm breathing, my God is alive. Thanks to all you cool people who keep reading my ramblings.

Lovelovelove.
Anna

Have I Been On Your Mind?

Please. Let me tell you about the wonderful month that I've had.

Are you shocked and taken aback?
"What's this? A happy blog post from Anna?? *looks to see if the sky is falling*"
Nope. It's just been a good few weeks.

I know I've dropped off the face of the blogging world, but it's been busy.

Running from Lions

Hey, you awesome reader, you. I'm amazed that you've taken time out of your life to read my crazy written brain. Thanks in advance.

The past two weeks have been insane. This week is midterms, we had a showchoir performance today ( I will be returning to this topic shortly), and I'm in my highschool's beauty pageant on Saturday,

Now I'm gonna cover those things in reverse order. You ready?

Beauty Pageants. I'm the daughter of a feminist and stubborn man, hence, my love for pageants has never been huge. I feel like it's kind of going back on everything women are taught as little girls. "It's what's on the inside that counts", and so forth. Yet, pageants still exist. Where the express purpose of the thing is to judge people strictly on what they look like.

Not counting the one Saturday, I've been in one pageant in my whole life. It was in the eighth grade, and I did NOT need to be in anything where I was judged on my outsides at that point in my life. Can you say awkward phase?

But I decided to be a part of it this year. Because as much as I disagree with the concept, I like looking pretty. I like putting on a dress and feeling good about myself. It's also my last year to be a part of it. So, this Saturday, I'll be parading around the stage with the rest of them.

Moving on: the show today. My choir went to another highschool to perform for their student body. I don't think I've ever felt so invigorated after a show. It was like I was high on drugs. I put more than a hundred percent into it. Singing in front of people is such an adrenaline rush. I'll do it my whole life if the Lord lets me.

If my voice was about five times bigger, I'd ignore college and go to New York. If I can get that kind of rush singing on a gym floor, I'm pretty sure the endorphins from performing on a stage in NY would kill me dead.

Aand finally. School. The one part of my life I'm supposed to be worried about the most, that I'm actually worried about the least. I really have been slacking something serious lately, I don't know what's gotten into me. If I don't shape up soon my parents are going to have my head on a platter. Nine weeks tests (Midterms) may possibly cause me to be institutionalized or something.

Now for random-whatever's- in- Anna's-head time:

Guys: if we've ever dated or had a relationship at all, and you try to talk to any of my friends, they will tell me. And they won't respond to your nonsense. So just stop it.

I actually had more things I was going to write about, but all the song lyrics storming through my brain are distracting me.

So, farewell.

Oh yeah! Wisdom. And I know the perfect source.

Ecclesiastes 9:11-18.

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all. For man does not know his time. Like fish that are taken with an evil net, and like birds that are caught in a snare, so the children of man are snared at an evil time, when it suddenly falls upon them.

I have seen this example of wisdom under the sun, and it seemed great to me.

There was a little city with few men in it, and a great king came against it and besieged it, building great works against it.

But there was a found in it a poor, wise man, and he by his wisdom delivered the city.

Yet no one remembered that poor man.

But I say that wisdom is better than might, though the poor man's wisdom is despised and his words are not heard.

The words of the wise heard in quiet are better than the shouting of a ruler among fools.

Wisdom is better than weapons of war, but one sinner destroys much good."

Foolishly,

Anna

Baby, You and I.

It has been a fantastic week.

My last homecoming as a highschooler has taken place.

Last week, summarized:
I've been hanging out with some of the coolest people I know of.
I stayed up way too late, had like fourteen [virgin] pina colodas, wore green eyeliner, threw eggs at the Junior class, stood in the rain, and sang like I was out of my mind.
I found new music, got yelled at by the cops alongside my whole Senior class, snuggled, and saw my friends laugh.
I got butterflies, cried until my heart was lighter, and dreamed of flying.
I held a precious baby, rocked an air-guitar in my six inch heels, wore red pants, and hugged more people that I can count.

The end.

Good week? Yes, overall. It's been an emotional one, but I came out of it smiling. So I'd call it a success.

I like to leave some kind of wisdom with each of my blog posts nowadays, so here I go.

I was looking over my very first posts (from over a year ago), and in the first few I was going on and on about some guy. I never mentioned
his name. The funny thing is, now I have absolutely no idea who I was talking about. I thought he was gonna change my life, and now I can't even remember which guy it was.
...that made me sound like a little hoe-ish. But I digress.
I was heartbroken a few posts later, because whoever this guy was had stopped talking to me out of nowhere. Granted, this has happened
several times. So still no clue to who he was.
I thought it was all me, I was wrong, I had done something.

But in hindsight, I don't even remember his name now. And guess what? I still remember mine.

Sometimes the people that you want to change your life don't even leave a big mark. And the people that will change your life are going to do it whether you want them to or not.
Does that make sense? Maybe?
Keep your eyes and your heart as open as you can. Keep your expectations low, but hope still alive.

As always, thanks for reading my chaos,
You're all wonderful.

Looking forward,
Anna

A Prayer.

The sun's setting the world on fire.
The whole world thundering with the storm coming.
And I'm still here, so small.
Clutching my sins, always, tightly in my hands.
Knowing You see them, but never letting go.
Staying stone silent when I should be screaming out.

I want so much, yet I give so little.
Relinquishing only the bare minimum, and expecting my knight in shining armor.
It isn't fair,
But I can't seem to stop it.

Who knew this is where I'd be by now?
Still here. So small.
Holding onto the sickest parts of me, because I can't even picture myself without them now.

When I pray, I plead to God for others.
Others.
Because if I turn the conversation to me, my walls will come up.

It's so easy just to let them. To pretend that I'm in the right.
But You aren't letting me leave it.
Convicted isn't the word..
I'm a complete mess down here.

I can't see the road in front of me, because my arms are too full with the filth I won't let go of.
I can't help the people I love, because I'm weighed down with this guilt You've placed in my heart.

You're so big, so understanding.
But I'm still here,
So small.
Not comprehending, not letting go. Expecting the world while I won't give You any of mine.

Selfish, wrong.
You're right in front of me these days, but I feel like I keep trying to look through You.
Stop me, whatever it takes.
Fix me, I can't do it myself. As much as I've tried.

I once was lost,
Anna

Self Control.

How many of you don't want to read this post just because of the title? It's okay, those words sort of make me cringe as well. Which is why I'm blogging about them.

Again I say! Self control. One of the most elusive, in my opinon, of all the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). I struggle with this so much, and I fail more often than I succeed some days. Controlling my actions, my tongue, and the worst- my mind.
This is, by far, my greatest weakness as a Christian. To think that Jesus had so much self control that He never sinned. Not once. He never looked with lust or made a perverted joke. He never cheated on a test or told a lie. He didn't secretly think one thing about His disciples, but tell them something else.
That is mind blowing to me.Oh how much we can control by controlling ourselves! How much brighter my light would be if I could keep myself from covering it over and over.

I can't count the things in my life I have screwed up because of my lack of self control. There isn't enough time in the world to tell about all those things.

But I do have the time to say this:
We all screw up, and lose it. We've all got times we wish we could've drawn the line sooner. Or held our tongues just a little bit longer. Or been slower to anger. But that's because we, as humans, suck. We're screw ups, failures, and all around a dissapointment to everyone. Good news, though.
Romans 5:8.

Read it.

And God says that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish. Not "whoever has never lost control of themselves." or "whoever hasn't
sinned."
And thank goodness. Thank God.

Losing control doesn't make you any worse than anyone else, because everyone does it. Heck, everyone is still doing it. God forgives,
people forget. Life keeps rolling on.

Keep a reign on yourself, and you can ride through life with so many less hardships.

Trying to act on my own advice,
Losing it less,

Anna

Hello, blogging world. Sorry it's been so long. School has picked up and turned into actual school. Dancing, piano, and voice lessons are back. Showchoir, we have our first performance in about three weeks. Everything's starting to settle from the summer. I've decided that I spend so many blog posts in reflection, that I'd mix it up and tell you lovely, beautiful people about my plans. A woman with a plan, yes I am. Next year, college. At this point it's between Ole Miss and MC. I'm leaning more towards Ole Miss because, basically, they would pay me to go there. I mean, pay me extra. Assuming I make it through Freshman Theory, I want to be a music major with an emphasis in teaching. Afterwards, Grad School in the most random, awesome state I can find. I want to get my doctorate in Vocal Performance. Then, teach in a college while staying onstage as much as I can. Sounds like a good plan, right? Oh, and sometime in there? Getting married would be really cool. As much as I respect my parents and the longevity of their marriage, I'd like to get married sooner than they did. One, because having kids has always always been on the list with me. Two, because I plan on being an embarrassingly hot mom. Yeah. I went there. But if it were that simple! "Hi, welcome to college. Here are your Nike shorts, your T shirt eight sizes too big, aaannd your future husband." Somehow, though, I don't think it works that way. Sad. Back to college itself though. I can't say I'm not worried. Part of me is afraid that I'll completely lose it and become anti-Anna. But the smarter part of me knows that God is bigger. I refuse to graduate from God when I graduate from highschool, as seems to be the trend. I want a church family and a support system, because God knows I'll need it. And since He does, I feel sure that He'll provide. He won't let me wander around in the dark. He'll have a candle somewhere. Speaking of lights: Hallelujah and amen, there are still gentlemen on the earth. They're all just camouflaged, blending into the forest of idiocy that seemingly surrounds my state. But when you aren't looking, one will run out from their concealment to open the door for you. It's fantastic. There are several, more somber things I could discuss, but I won't. Not now. Now I'll sleep, and I'll dream good things. I flit, I float. I fleetly flee, I fly. Goodbye! -Anna <3

Maybe This Time.

Two weeks into senior year and I'm digging it.
Failing Government class because the constitution won't stick in my brain..
But digging it.

My social life is working well, my friends are as wonderful as ever. I've got a senior cruise in the works, a awesome showchoir show coming up, people who love me, and a ten dollar bill hidden in my wallet.

Life is good.

My mother just had surgery, but everybody in the tri-county area prayed her up so much that she's doing wonderfully. I'm seeing God more in everyday life than I ever have before.

One thing I've noticed this year? Everybody's hiding something. You are, I am. And the fact of the matter is, if everyone's got their doors closed anyway, who am I to go around saying that other people are hiding more junk than I am? Did that make any sense?
I'm not put here to hate on people, I'm here to brighten people's days in whatever way I can.

I slip up, and the gossip in my genetics comes out. Some days more than others. And for that, I'm sorry.

I can't wait for college. I'm gonna miss my friends like crazy, but I'm still excited. A new start.
And college guys. Yeah, I said it.

And just for variety... Here are five things you may or may not have known about me.

5. I have a huge weakness for guys who compare me to songs.
4. I want a ginger baby. They're the cutest.
3. I'm currently on the lookout for ways to get revenge on my sister. Ask for details.
2. I hate shopping for formal dresses.
1. Sometimes when I get a text from someone I like, I'll keep the message unread for a few minutes. I think the suspense makes it better

But now I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
-Anna

Let Your Hair Down.

I was sitting by my pool just now, over-thinking every aspect of my life. Friends, guys, guyfriends, school, my future. I looked at the water, and got the strangest urge to jump in.
Before I could stop myself, I stripped down to my underwear and did so. Dove in.
Moral of the story? Sometimes life is better when you don't think at all.

This morning in my devo, I read Matthew 6:25. "Do not worry about your life."
And do you know what I spent all day doing? Yep. Worrying.

Two of my greatest character flaws, right there. I think too much, and as a result, I worry. I swear I'm going to have wrinkles by the time I'm twenty. Whether it's reading too much into what someone's said to me, or wondering why certain things haven't been said. Ridiculousness.

I can chalk a little of this up to PMS, but 95% of it is just regular me.

I help others look on the bright side every day, but my own bright side doesn't get much attention. So I'm changing that. Now. Today. God's letting me live, and He never asked me to question the particulars.

See you on the sunny side.
- Anna

Chillbumps.

Time flies.
After what seems like a moment, you look up, and you're a senior in highschool.

Watching the seventh graders hug the walls of the hallways, trying not to get trampled, and you remember doing the exact same thing. Looking at your tenth grade journal and wondering why it seems like a different life. If the last seventeen years of my life have gone by so quickly, what will the next seventeen feel like? Does life slow down after highschool? College?
Is there a resting point somewhere? A halfway marker in the race, where someone stops you, gives you a gatorade and a pat on the back with an encouraging "Almost there!"?

Maybe not. But who says that means we all can just stop running to whatever end-of-the-race God's made for us?

Day by day, it's all we can do.

I feel like singing.
Weird, how I feel like singing some days despite whatever mood I'm in. I like to get in my car and sing at my steering wheel like I'm in front of a million people. Or maybe just one person. Sometimes I'll blast my speakers almost to death. And sometimes I'll just turn it off, roll my windows down, and let the wind sing to me. Is that stupid? Eh. I don't care.

I've had people actually call me and say "I just passed you, and you are JAMMING." to which I reply, "Of course."
Life, to me, is just a succession of songs. Sad ones, happy ones. The kinds you sing to yourself, and the kinds you want a microphone for. So sing every word of life like it's all you've been given.

Cause it is. We get one chance on this planet, before we get placed in wherever we'll spend eternity.
Me? I'm going to get a new, completely FINE body, and the best robe in the whole place. And I'll get to sing every. single. moment. With a voice better than anything anyone's ever heard. Me and my girls are gonna dance on the golden streets with complete abandon. That chillbump feeling I get when I seriously worship is going to be multiplied by infinity and it's gonna last for forever.

Sorry, I got off topic. As if I had a topic to begin with.

Tomorrow is my first full day of my senior year. I'm going to smile at everyone, forget my past, and sing it.

Oh, and I'm wearing a Christmas bow in my hair. Try to stop me.

Freely,
Anna

The Marrying Kind.

I got the book "Every Young Woman's Battle" this weekend, and I'm hooked. It speaks so directly to my situation now that I have no one to thank but God for getting it into my hands.
It is pure gold, I'm telling you. If you're reading this and you want to borrow it from me, text me and I'll give it willingly. Or I'll buy you a copy myself.

I'm about to quote a whole paragraph. Get ready.

"The 'Messiah complex' refers to the tendency for caring people to become rescuers who try to deliver others from their problems and difficult life circumstances. At times, almost all of us want to be like Messiahs, saving people from their dysfunctional families, enslaving addictions, or self-destructive lifestyles....
[But when people] try to be rescuers, the rescuers almost always end up being hurt. Even so [we are] still tempted at tomes to be like a messiah. [A friend states] 'It would be nice if I could rescue people from their pain and release them from their problems...but whenever I am tempted to try taking on that role, I remember how powerless I am and I think about what happened to the real Messiah. He was crucified."

This is me all over, up and down, anyway you look at it. I like to strap on my cape and save the planet. But I have to realize that while I may be on this earth to help people, I cannot fix anyone or anything myself. This is one of those many things I'm working on.

Also,
"Be vigilant over your body. Remember, where a woman's heart goes, her body longs to follow.... However, the wise young woman who takes things slowly, carefully guarding her heart..will walk down the aisle towards her groom carrying a treasure that is far greater than riches. A whole heart."

I feel like everyone (including myself) gets so caught up in the physical definition of virginity, the other uses and meanings of the word are lost. I remember a camp counselor telling me, "Your dress may be white, but it can still be not perfect."
So my white dress, at this point, may not fit me so well. It may have some emotional dirt around the edges.
If you're reading this and thinking "at least your dress is white. Mine's borderline black."
I've got good news. I know a fantastic drycleaner/tailor/dressmaker. You and I can be white as snow in no time.

SN: I refuse to be ashamed about discussing sex and sexuality on this blog. To quote my book, yet again,
"You can be wise AND innocent at the same time."
So if me saying the S word bothers you, I'm sorry. But hey. My blog.

Back on the topic. Maintaining emotional virginity is just as hard, if not harder, to keep up as the physical kind. Guys lust with their eyes, women lust with their feelings. Compromising yourself emotionally or any other way is so easy when you've got butterflies in your stomach, let me just tell you.
Guys get turned on by what they see. Women? It's all about how we feel. So to keep our emotions guarded is as hard as guys trying to keep their bodies guarded.
If you're a guy, and this is news to you, keep it in mind the next time you start telling a girl what she wants to hear, please.

I pray for my future husband, and I pray that he will be able to tolerate me. I pray that God guards him as He's helping me guard myself.

My Grandaddy used to say he'd have to use a stick to keep the boys off me when I grew up. As I grew up, I realized I didn't need a stick. I needed a whole lot more. Not around me, but around my heart. Just like every other woman and man on the face of the planet.

"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains... How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among [women] find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights."

Psalm 36:5-8


Hiding until then,
Anna

Journal Entry.

7/31/11

"Back home. Having my phone seems so odd now.

I miss it already, but real life is back. I can't fight it. My friends need me in the here and now, and I WILL be Christ to them.
God help me.

Hearts are such fragile little things. I spend so much time trying to protect mine, or others' from me..crazy. Why did God make hearts breakable?
And even as that came out of my pen, I knew:
So we'd run to Him when they do break. If only we could all just skip that part. The hurting part, and go straight to the finish line. How much easier! But not so. Christ didn't get to go straight from Gethsemane to back chilling with his disciples for 40 days. It has to be hard sometimes.

But people need to need me, because I'm needing God. Not because of who I am, but for who God is.

One of the things I'm conflicted about is how I'm supposed to be dealing with guys right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to be hiding, looking, expecting, distancing. What.

I'm scared of commitment. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. That I can handle. I'm just terrified of hurting other people. Guys. Breaking hearts, spirits. But I can't seem to get away from it. I try to have a friendship, and I end up hurting them. It's so messed up I kinda wanna run.

You know what would be really ironic? If I'd spent all this time avoiding relationships, only to find myself at the end of my life with no one wanting me anymore.

But I can't tell the future. Thank God. I can hardly tell the present most days.

Now, though, I'm going to sleep.
Your butterfly, who's trying out her wings,
Anna

In My Chrysalis.

Anna
Chrysalis Flight #102
Day 3

"So since I'm separated from my blog, I think I'll write down my thoughts and transfer them later. Maybe.

Last night I was so conflicted. I hated this place, what it was doing to me. I wrestled with God so hard, the last thing I wanted to do was admit my sin.

The speaker called for the invitation, and I literally had to force myself to not run out of the room. Just busting out of the doors and running all the way home. I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't know why, but I had such a reaction. I hated God and how He was tearing me up. I was sick of always being the good one, the noble one. I was ready to denouce Him completely.

But then there was today.
God shut my face. Gave me every sign I could've asked for and then some. I told God last night that I was done, and He spent all day today shouting at me: No you aren't.

There is so much love here. I've never hugged so many people in my life. I had such hostility in my heart for no reason. I ran away from God because I couldn't see Him anymore..only because I wasn't looking.
I woke up this morning ready to hate every bit of God that came my way. But I couldn't.

Running, turning away isn't the answer. Ever.

Being without my phone has been such a blessing. Forcing me into quiet time like never before.

Tomorrow I'll be a butterfly. And I'm going to let it change my life..because I had no choice. I'm at a crossroads. Either get serious about my faith or walk away. Because my body cannot physically take this lukewarm spirit anymore. I've grown actually sick of myself.

So it's decision time. And I'm siding with the only thing that's ever saved me.

De Colores,
With all the love that's left,
Anna"

Sing Me To Sleep.

Hello again, big blogging world. Summer is on its way out, and I'm not close to being ready for it to be over.
I've got Chrysalis tomorrow. It's a Christian retreat type thing for girls. I've heard so many great things about it that I'm completely glad to finally be going.

The weird thing is, whenever I scheduled it..I remember thinking "that'll pretty much be the last thing I do this summer."
And now it's here.


However, this has been an improvement on last summer. So I won't complain.

It's been a strange last seven days or so. Lots of emotions, but I am pretty sure I can partially blame that on hormones.
I had a little epiphany, and I thought I'd share.

It was about two a.m. and I was sitting in my bed. Thinking that I could count on one hand the people that are close to me that haven't dissapointed me.. getting all apathetic and depressed. Then, like someone had slapped me, I realized how completely stupid I was being.
I mean, duh.
Human beings are going to dissapoint me, because that's what they are. What I am. A dissapointing, fleshly, shallow person. There's only one person that ever walked this planet that would never dissapoint me, and I fall short of His glory every single second.



On a completely different note, I've been thinking a lot about pride lately. How much is too much? For instance, I hold my reputation in high regard, because I've worked so dang hard on keeping it clean. I'm proud to claim my goody-goody label. But has the thing itself overtaken my orginal reasoning behind it? Am I so worried about upholding my reputation that I've forgotten about why it even matters? Does this make sense to anyone but me?

Still on the subject of pride, but in a different context..

A few days ago, I went out to my grandparent's house. My granddaddy used to be this big big man..I can remember not being able to get my little arms around his legs. Thinking to myself as a little girl that he looked like a tree, almost. I remember once he came to my school to give me my glasses, and everyone in my class went "Whoaahh. That man is a giant!"

And I was always his favorite. I think it's because I'm a carbon copy of my grandmother, his wife.

But he's a diabetic, and in the past few years he's lost use of his legs completely. He uses a wheelchair to get around, he can barely get up out of his chair by himself. His legs are no bigger than mine now. But that man's pride hasn't gotten any smaller. He refuses to be pitied.

Anyway, when I went out to his house last time, I washed his feet. The lack of circulation to them makes them swell and causes the skin to die. So I held the door as he rolled outside, and lowered the chair so his feet could sit in the tub of water.

He never looked me in the eyes. I had to pick his legs up to move them, and he kept talking about the dog, the trees. Anything.

The whole time I kept thinking about Jesus washing his disciple's feet. How humbling it was, to wash the feet of this great man that had stood so tall. To see this man who could once throw me up in the air and catch me, struggling to lift himself.

I finished, dried his feet off, and put them back up onto the footrest of his wheelchair. He looked at me and said "I appreciate you doing this, baby."
Then he rolled back inside.
And to me, he looked just like the big man he'd been.



I think that pride is good in the right amounts. Having pride in yourself, your body for instance. Good.
But too much pride can be blinding. You can grow ungrateful, haughty.

Life's all about balance, I think. Balancing pride with humilty, seriousness with humor. And so on and so forth.
...

I hope that this weekend retreat teaches me something I need to learn. I hope I uncover some new something in my Christian walk.
If you're the praying kind, send up a few for me. And if you aren't the praying kind..try it out anyway.

Working on my balancing act,
Until next time,
Anna

A Post, For You.

I've promised a super lovely girl a post dedicated to her. So here it is.

Abby, you're awesome. You make me laugh until my face hurts. You're gonna find a wonderful guy some day that will appreciate how lovely you are. And when you do, I must meet him and give my approval. Deal?

To Make You Feel My Love.

I used to be scared of being alone.

I can remember being really young..watching the moon out of the car window as we went wherever we were going. I was so terrified that we'd outrun it. I had these horrible visions that we'd just go so fast that the moon couldn't catch up, and it'd get smaller and smaller until I couldn't see it anymore.

I didn't know what it would be like, not having it there anymore. But it was so scary to me. What if it couldn't see me? Would I still even be here? Would I fall off of the world, if the moon left?

Whenever I'd play pretend in my woods..I made like I was the queen of some kind of woodland palace. The sticks and rocks and spiderwebs were all my court..mine.

I went out to that same spot today, and it was so quiet. The rocks and sticks seemed so much smaller. My throne just looked like a log, the floqwers had stopped blooming a long time ago. The ditch that ran through was all dried up, the waterfalls I'd made had filled up.
It was so strange. Like the pretend wasn't real anymore. I sat there for a while, trying to get everything to come alive again. But it all stayed quiet.

I was alone, and it wasn't scary.

I was fine. A little sad, but okay. The scariness wasn't there. I listened to the quiet and I took it in stride. I wasn't afraid to be alone with myself anymore. The thoughts I'd tried so hard, in the past, to keep out of my head weren't so huge after all. I'd beaten them.

I realized that the reason I went down there so much as a child was to escape my house. My life, the reality of it. I was scared of the moon vanishing because it made me feel like there was somebody paying attention to me.

Now that I've gotten older, I've got a new moon. A new safe place, a new refuge.

And being alone with myself isn't so bad,
because my safe place lives in me now.

The trees may not come alive, I may not see the moon like I used to. But my peace is in me. I found it in the form of the One who created all those things I put such stock in as a child.

How cool is that? That it's still in a way the place I went to hide whenever I was young. But so much bigger.

Still the forest queen,
Lovelovelove,
Anna

Dude. Check out the morals on THAT girl..

This is one of those blog posts where I just start typing without any inclination of where I'm going with it.

You ready?

Last night I went to see the last Harry Potter movie with one of my oldest friends. I laughed more than I have in a while..don't you love being with people that you don't have to worry about yourself around? No false pretenses. Just you.
Anyway, we got lost afterward trying to find my sister's apartment. But God and google got us there around three this morning..we crashed and drove home when it got daylight outside. Good night.

I've been thinking about how I've gotten a whole lot older in just the past two years. I've stopped trying, worrying so much about my outside self..I've gotten more worried about my inside self.

Thank Jesus I'm not thirteen anymore. When I spent every moment ofmy life trying to fit in. It was exhausting. And what blows me away is that there are girls my age that are still trying to be what everyone else wants. For these girls, I have a question. Is it worth it? In my experiences, the answer has always been no. It isn't.

Eight times out of ten, the reason girls play pretend about themselves? Guys. Period, point blank. So I'll say this.

No amount of makeup. No matter what you do or don't let him do. If you dress like you're on the streets or if you dress like you want to be. He is not worth compromising your dignity. I promise. It frustrates me to no end to see beautiful, wonderful girls let their idiot boyfriends walk all over them. Be yourself, be independent. Love yourself before you let someone else try to. Quit taking the crap. I feel like if every woman in the world stopped settling, then the men of the world would improve drastically. Guys get away with whatever you let them.

I'm not trying to turn this into a guy-bashing blog post. On the contrary, there are some great guys out there (granted, very few of them live within a hundred mile radious of my house) that will not ask you to change in any way except for the better. You won't have that nagging voice in the back of your head asking you where the "line" went that you weren't gonna let him cross.

So love yourself. Don't be an easy hook up or a backup plan.

In the Bible Soloman referrs to wisdom and understanding as female. Coincidence? I think not.

"The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her...Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life."

Proverbs 4:7-8, 13

So we know how much Soloman loved the ladies. 700 "official" wives and 300 concubines. I don't know if y'all are doing the math out there. But in order for him to be er, evenly distributed...he had to sleep with three women a day, every day all of his life.

And if this man, who did that much running around, can still see females as not just a source of sex.. but held them in such regard to identify wisdom as female? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this is impressive.

My point is, guys who use the "I'm just a guy, I can't help it" excuse? Wrong. I mean, the lust thing I get. I won't sit here and lie, saying that girls don't get the exact same way. But using the "I'm a guy" excuse to act like a total D bag is soo not okay. Don't take it.

You're worth more.

"If weakness is all that no one wants to speak of, then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune, I only want to be loved. But I feel safe behind the firewall. Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth..I need to confess. I'm not alright. I'm broken inside. All I go through, it leads me to You."

Love you. Thanks for reading.

Just me,

Anna

Realize. Then we'd be perfect for each other.

So I think I've grown up quite a bit in the past few years of my life, and I'd like to share some of the things I've come to realize with my getting older. This was originally a Facebook note, but I've added a few things just for my blog readers. Hope someone out there benefits from my ramblings.

•••



God really won't strike you down if you chew your food during the blessing.


Just because your boobs hurt, it doesn't mean that they're growing. Sorry.


Makeup doesn't make people pretty.


If he doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you're ugly.


Hating yourself never fixed a dang thing.


It's not all sunshine and rainbows. People are hurting.


Mama can't really fix everything, but she'll try anyway.


That pimple on your forehead? Never as big as you think it is.


Bad things happen to good people. All the time. There's not a good reason why.


If a guy talks to you at no other time but in the early morning hours, he isn't wanting you for your lovely mind. Don't answer the phone.


The movie is almost never as good as the book.


Crying and driving don't mix well, but it's doable


Everything's funnier upside-down.


Music makes it better.


If you're going nowhere, take your friends with you. They'll make the ride much more fun.


People don't like it when you flirt with their boyfriends.


When creepy people come up to your window, don't roll it down to say hi.


Nobody looks cuter drunk. Nobody.


Swing sets and monkey bars aren't just for elementary.


Keep your music up loud, so you can't hear your worries.


The police officer is always right. Just go with it.


Studying might actually help a little bit.


Hold your friends when they're crying. Everyone needs someone to hold on to.


If he screwed you over twice, he'll do it a third time. Don't be a doormat.


Be a listening ear, and you'll find more friends.


Caring shouldn't just be reserved for people who'll care back.


If you have to ask "do I look like a slut in this?" don't wear it. Chances are, you do.


No one ever got in trouble for acting like a lady.


Cussing doesn't help the situation.


You can't carry all those books by yourself, stop being dumb.


Don't ever say "I love you" just because he did first.


"Cool, Popular" is just how far we all have to fall.


Tons of black eyeliner will NOT help your appearance.


Keep your phone on you at all times.


There are worse things in life than liking the same guy as your friend does.


If you're loud enough, people won't step on you.


Friends really do love at all times.


God is not always loud and in your face. He isn't always on your sleeve, or on the faces of the people you see everyday. You may not be able to find Him for huge lengths of time..but He is always. always there. He never left. He never will.

Bucket list.

It hit me the other day that I've actually never written this down. No more.

These are in no particular order.

• Swim with dolphins.
• See a show on broadway.
• Walk a cobblestone street in England.
• Sing a lullaby to a baby in an orphanage. (shut up, you people laughing out there.)
• Go to an All Time Low concert.
• Sing in/ see Carnege Hall
• Sky dive.
• Send my mom on a cruise to Alaska.
• Parasail.
• Be a camp counselor.


That's all I've got so far. Note: this is not necessarily what I want OUT of my life. Just a few things I'd like to do during it. I think if I made a list of what I want out of life, it'd look something like this:

• happiness.

The end. And since the only way to be truly happy is to do what God tells me to, that's all I've gotta do. Right?
Oh, but if it were so easy. To say "Okay, God. Here are the reins of my life. I'll run where ever you want me to." and then actually be able to do it? Giving up control is what I struggle most with. I think "Nah, Jesus. I've got this." when I really have nothing at all.

Stepping outside of my little box of control is so scary for me. For example: at music camp, we took a class on Vocal Improv. All we had to do was make up nonsense and sing it. The first time, I just couldnt. It was like telling me to walk on my hands or something.
Same thing with my Christian walk. Letting go of MY control, MY plans. MY goals for my life. MY past.
God tells us to lay our heavy burdens on him. But 86% of the time I think I can carry it myself. I end up tripping and falling on my face. Duh. But do I learn? No.
God has broken me over and over again on this exact same thing. He's done all but put a big flashing "STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY JOB" sign in front of my face. And yet, here I sit. Trying to be my own boss.

It's just a matter of time before I'm on my face again.

When I'm there, maybe I'll look up and get smart.

Until then,
Love x3.
Anna

I Don't Know If I'll Make It, But Watch How Good I'll Fake It.

So I just got back from MC@MC : Music camp at Mississippi College. It was way better than I expected it to be thank goodness. I met some wonderful people. My suitemates, especially.

They were all two years younger than me, and I was worried about it, but my worries were for nothing. Such sweet, talented, funny girls.

But it made me kind of realize how old I'm getting. There were only a few Seniors at camp, and I was one of them. It is so bizzare to sleep in a dorm room and think, "I'm gonna live in one of these pretty soon."

This school year is going to rock my socks off. If it doesn't I'm going to throw a fit. It's the beginning of the end, and it had better be mindblowing. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I possibly can. I love them so much, it's gonna be so hard to go off without them into the huge world.

On the love life, it hasn't changed much since the last time I posted. I'm keeping my options open, but no one has just knocked me off my feet just yet. Is it selfish to want so much from a significant other? Maybe. I just want to be satisfied. I'm hesitant to be tied down, but in a way I really do want to be.

I've had some great weeks, and I hope that my next few will be just as great.

Onward and upward.

Lovelovelove.

Anna

A Coming of Age (Rambling) Post.

I've spent all day with children. Ages 4-8, mainly...I love kids. I really do. Their perspective is so pure, so uncorrupted by life that it's almost addicting to be around. To maintain the optimism and jubilance of a child throughout life would be a true miracle.

To see the best in the worst people.

I've noticed that there's a sort of cycle with emotion and true maturity. When we are very young, we cry for something. Our mothers, a toy.

As we get a little older, we start crying because of things. Boys, friends, hurt feelings.

But I think, as some people get even older, we start crying for things again. For people, for society- humanity or a lack thereof.

Is it all just a cycle, then? Going beyond Shakespere's "sans teeth, sans eyes" bit..I mean an actual maturity that has people wanting to be immature again? And I don't mean "immature" as in that's-my-swing-my-playground..I mean immature in the way we see life. Like it's maybe not such a big deal. Our scope of misfortune and hurt is contained in a playpen, the only heartache we recognize is like my today, when I was cutting out shapes for a little girl's felt doorhanger, and the heart I had made came in two. Heartbreak, right? How easy is that?

I had a teacher that always talked about the "loss of innocence." You know, when a child looks around and starts seeing pain in people instead of just frowny faces. Poof, an adult. I'm afraid that this phenomenon is happening in younger and still younger children. Too soon. The world is thrust upon kids who aren't ready for it, and it breaks my heart.

I met this little boy last week named Daniel. He was eight, and I love that kid more than most other people in my life. I think it's because he needed it more than most other people in my life. That sounds strange, but there it is. His life seemed to be more troubling than adults could handle. Much less an eight year old boy. He told me he wished he could "die and wake up in heaven." Kids shouldn't have to think like that. They should revel in the joy of having no cares as long as the possibly can. Childhood should not be taken away because of adults' problematic lives. It isn't fair.

I wish I could fix it. But there's only one person who can save this planet, and He isn't me.

I know growing up happens to everyone who doesn't die young. And I know that I have to deal with things in life I'd rather not. But my mama always told me that complaining a little does help.

So there it was..my complaining a little.

Prehaps more than a little, but this is my blog. This is what it's here for.

Love you, thanks for reading.

Forever Young,

Anna

Hey baby, here's that post you wanted.

Hey folks. I've decided to dedicate a post to what I like/don't like in guys. Since that seems to be the question of the week. This is going to be ridiculously extensive..and no, I don't expect anyone to meet all of these things. But if I'm making a list, it may as well be a long one, right?

DO:
Make me laugh. Ask me how I'm doing and really care about the answer. Text me goodmorning. Tell me cheesy pick-up lines. LOVE JESUS. Sing to my music. Keep me interested-whatever that entails. Love my friends, stay on good terms with them. Find out what my favorites are. Hold my hand in public. Be original with the compliments and such. Text me first. Let me drive if I want to. Hold me if I'm sad, or just because. Appreciate my opinions. Listen to me when I need to vent. Sing loudly whether you sound good or not. Be a spiritual role model for me. Pick me up randomly and when you hug me. Kiss my forehead. Take me new places. Let me be mad for a while. Be straightforward with what you want from me. Respect your parents. Scratch my back when I'm sleepy. Discuss Scripture with me. Love kids. Be athletic.

DON'T:
Try to be overly funny. Text me a one-word message. Just ACT like you love Jesus. Criticize my music. Call me with nothing to say. Make my friends hate you. Forget things I've told you that I consider important. Add "baby" to every single message you send. Be so clingy I can't get a word in. Talk to me like I'm stupid. Only ever talk about how beautiful I am, how much you miss me, etc. Smart off to your elders. Be a bully. Play games with my heart. Be cocky. Act like you have to be kissing me constantly. TEXT MY BESTFRIENDS without a darn good reason. Flirt with girls prettier than me. Ask to read my text messages. Be a perv.

I'll add on to this every now and then. Anyone have anything to add, take away? Comment me.
All for now,
Anna.

Christian Ramblings

Music speaks so much louder than anything else I've encountered thus far in my life. One well-placed line can pull such a response from me that it surprises me over and over again.

I'm sitting here at my computer listening to "There Are No Orphans of God" by Avalon, and I started crying. It took me all of one verse to become completely broken. I think anything can change your life if you let it, but for me? Music affects me whether I'm wanting it to or not.

How great, how powerful is the God that watches me everyday. How merciful, to forgive me over and over again. How understanding, to see me falling and love me anyway. I can't even imagine.

I need camp so bad. I don't comprehend how someone can be surrounded by so many people being broken by God, and not believe in the God that's causing it.
But at camp, everyone is on the same boat. No one cares what you did during the year, nobody is judging you for not being perfect..everyone is just looking to start over. When people sing there, it's like they're singing out of their very heart. No walls, no barriers. No holding back. When people there sing, it's like we're all sitting right at God's feet, giving Him a concert.
I swear, it's what Heaven is going to be like. This is a Church of Christ camp, so there aren't any intstruments used in worship, but I've never heard such beautiful music. I've been to see choirs from all over the country, and nothing compares. Because the music at camp is so completelty raw and honest...it makes sense to me.

Now none of that may have made any sense to any of you, but there it is.
Keep your hearts open.
Love,
Anna

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

Life moves so fast sometimes. Like a train with no brakes.
And here I am, on the tracks..just chilling. Watching as my future prepares to run me slap over.
It's like my feet have forgotten how to move. So I'll just take it as it comes..as if there was any other option.

I'm trying out for a choir this summer..the National Honor Choir. If I make it, I'll be able to go to New York (by myself). The performance would be in Carnegie Hall. If you've never heard of Carnegie, go google it. Singing in that theater would change my whole life. It's one of those things on my Bucket List that I thought I would never have the chance to check off.
Here comes the hard part.
Making it.
I'm not trying to brag, but I've never failed any sort of auditon in my life. I'm not saying I never will- I surely will at some point. But the idea of failing at this kind of makes me want to have a panic attack. Over-dramatic? Probably. But am I not allowed to stress over things that are important to me? I've also got college choir auditions in about four months. I'll freak about that closer to then, though. (Whoa. Alliteration.)

Other than that impending pressure, my life has been pretty good lately. I've gotten content with the way most things are going. I feel like there is nothing going catastrophically wrong at the moment, and for that I am thankful.

Guys? I'm keeping my options open. If that makes me a bad person, then I'll take that rep. I'm not trying to get into some kind of huge whirlwind relationship, but I'm also keeping an open mind. I just want to have fun. Flirt, laugh. Talk too much. Not have any obligations, and not expecting anyone to have them either. I'll get serious one day, when someone comes along and makes me. (i.e. Prince Charming. Surely you've heard of him.)

Summer's here. It was highly needed, my friends and I were starting to get tense around each other. And absence does make the heart grow fonder. I love my friends. I love how I can pick up the phone at any time and know that there'll be someone on the other end that is genuinely concerned with how I am. They keep me out of trouble, and listen to me when I'm being stupid. God surely did smile big on me when He threw them into my path. And I'm grateful.

I made it out of my Junior Year with exactly a 3.5 GPA. Not too shabby, but not perfect either. My parents fussed for just a little while, but they soon relented. I'm excited to be a Senior, and at the same time I'm scared out of my little curly head.

Now, though, I'm going to watch the season finale of GLEE. Get pumped.

Thanks for listening.
Love,
Anna

It Doesn't Make You Cool.

I'm about to get on my soapbox and rant for a bit about a topic that you may or may not agree with. But hey, this right here? My blog.

What, I ask, is the DEAL with highschoolers thinking that as soon as they can consume copious amounts of liquor, they become Mr/Ms Super Cool and Awesome? They have entire conversations about how much they can drink before they pass out, or how much weed they can smoke before they lose it. The sheer stupidity and ignorance of this just blows my mind daily. Acting like a drunken idiot has never, ever made anyone any cooler than they were before.

I just don't get it. Maybe I just haven't killed off enough of my braincells to comprehend the allure of destroying your body and your reputation.

Another thing: these same people who constantly lie to their parents, get falling down drunk, sleep around, smoke weed, and throw up on strangers are the ones who will rep Jesus in a heartbeat. "Oh yeah yeah. I'm a Christian. Here, let me talk to you about the Lord. Hold my drink real fast."
You can't play both sides.

Okay, to be clear- I'm not trying to play like I'm perfect. Not true. I just think it is so sad how quickly my age group will lie, cheat, steal or sneak around. When did that become the normal thing? Why is it so super cool for girls to be total sluts with just whoever stumbles across them? What happened to make guys that have been ridden more than the taxis in NY the guys that all the others aspire to be?
It doesn't make you cool. Just stop trying, and be yourself. And if you can't do that without alcohol, drugs, or sex then you need to talk to someone that can help you. Seriously.

That's all, and I'm out. Adios.
Love love,
Anna

Life as I know it.

Hey there. It's been a while, so I'll fill you in on my life lately.

First off, my friends. We're reaching the end of our Junior year in highschool! Summer is right around the corner, and we're all planning away. But here is my reason for adding them to this post- I don't know if my group's dynamics are going to continue to work. We are all so very different, and that's always been sort of a conflict in some instances..but lately the dysfuntionality has become more apparent to me. Especially between one of my friends and the rest of them. Disagreements seem to be happening more and more..feelings are getting hurt, there's lying, sneaking around, and I'm afraid confrontation is unavoidable.
And I have no doubt that I'll be involved in said confrontation, because some of the feelings that are getting hurt belong to my friend Amber. Now I don't know why, but I've always been more protective of her than any of my other friends. I'm quite a mother hen with all of my bffs, but Amber especially. You just don't mess with her and let me hear about it. She's totally capable of taking care of herself, but it still angers me..

In other news, I'm single again. This is the part where everyone goes "Oh no, Anna, what happpened??" Well, I'll tell you. I happened. Me. I'm just mentally holding out for something, I think..something more than what I've found so far. I want a connection with somebody that I don't ever second guess. I don't ever want to find myself thinking "what if." I want to be sure. Does that make any sense? Probably not. But I'm just going to be by myself for a while, to better figure out what exactly it is that I want.
Next time I get into a relationship, I'm going to be 100%, no doubt at all, unquestionably sure that it's the right thing for me. I'm sick of hurting people all the time. My daddy referred to me as the "plague" the other day. He said I should write it on my forehead so guys won't get attached.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I should just join a convent and be done with all this. Or maybe I'm just wanting more than what I've found, and I just can't make myself settle.

I want camp SOO bad. Only one more month, exactly. I love those people so much, they see me as who I want to be.
I also need some serious down time with my best girls. Just movies, food, and nothing else to do. That's what I need to regain some of my sanity, I think.

Also, I need a spiritual re-charge. I've lost my connection with the Man Upstairs, it seems like. I'm just wandering around down here like a lost three year old. I feel like such a zombie Christian. You know the kind I'm talking about? The ones that go to church, pray out loud, and are dead the rest of the time. That's me. Some time with my best friends would help me in this aspect of my life, too.

College has started to loom over my head. It's going "stop goofing off in school, Anna. Figure out the rest of your life." Stressful.

My grandaddy just got diagnosed with cancer, to top everything off. He has at least one, possibly three, tumors in his intestinal tract. They're going to have to open him up like next week and try to get the things out. I think he can handle it, but my grandmama gets so confused whenever he isn't there. It's so scary..she doesn't know what's going on, where he went, who I am, where she is..nothing. He keeps her sane, and she just falls apart without him there. They've been married sixty years..they're like two halves of the same person now. All I can hope for is that grandaddy gets better soon and can come back home.

But I'm going to spend some quaality time with my parents.
Love you, thanks for reading.
Anna

Always Happy, Never Satisfied.

Happy Easter! I hope it's a lovely one for everybody. So since I'm here to write about my minuscule life on earth, I'll get right to it.

I really don't have much to complain about. I have wonderful, beautiful (and handsome) friends, and only two weeks left before summer. Oh summer, how I've missed you! Summer is when I get to be 100% myself all the time. No school uniforms, no homework. Just camp, friends, sun, and Jesus. Camp especially is where I thrive. The people there know me as the person I want to be all year long. Funny, godly, and a leader. I am closer to those people than I am to some that I see every day. And I LOVE Church of Christ camp. So much. It's only about ons month away, praise God. That place changes my life.

Speaking of things changing my life, I'm starting to get into the "taken" mindset. I'd been single for quite a while before this, so it's taken me a little bit to start thinking like a girlfriend again. I'm naturally such a flirt, so I've had to consciously change my behavior. But all's well that ends well. I just don't try to plan too far in advance, ever. I feel like it's just not a good idea. But I'm happy just having fun now, I'm trying not to take myself too seriously. Sometimes I have to remind myself.."you're only sixteen, Anna. Live a little."
So today, I'm good. We'll see about tomorrow when it gets here.

My whole family is home this weekend. I almost forget how loud it is with everyone here..but then they all come and remind me. It's awfully stressful having such a full house. No major catasyrophies yet. Yet. I'm super PMS, so I may or may not have taken out one of my family members by this time tomorrow.

But I'm quite tired, I'll see you again soon!

Adieu,
Anna

Waitin on the world to change.

Going to watch college choirs always puts a worried feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I mean, not that a worried feeling in the pit of my stomach is unusual by any means, but still.

I'm not certain of very many things in my life. I'm kind of at a middle stage right now. A crossroads, of sorts. People turn to me and ask me what my life's gonna accomplish, and they fully expect me to have an answer. I don't, of course. I'm taking it a day at a time..but that isn't enough for some people. Namely, my parents.

They're scheduling college tours, trips. Mail piles up at my house, admissions officers calling all the time. It's like they're trying to rush my life away! No one else I know is so stressed about this so soon, why should I be?

One day at a time.

In other news, I'm going to commit a felony if the showchoir sub doesn't ease up a little on the psychotic, OCD, crazy woman routine. I don't consider myself much of a diva, but I so can be when the situation calls for it. And my Situation Line has been ringing nonstop for a few days now.
I know I'm in no position of authority in choir, but I am still fully allowed to be bothered when a crazy red head comes in and starts screwing the system! And I am bothered, let me assure you.
Our show isn't going to be bad, I'm not worried about that. But the setup is ridiculous. She's got us singing backup for the JR high for the first two songs. I mean, does senority not count for anything anymore? Gosh.


So a new girl just recently moved to my school, and is now hanging out with my group of friends..she told me yesterday that she's just so happy that she found such nice people to hang out with, because she was so scared that no one was going to like her. I told her I said the exact same thing when I moved schools.. I have the best friends in the world.

Speaking of my friends, they're gradually all meeting my boyfriend. Their approval really does mean a lot to me..they're my accountability sisters, and they know me more than I do sometimes.

My days have been so long lately. I'm looking forward to some free time this weekend.
Until next time,
Love x 3.
Anna

I'm on my soapbox today.

Hey, strangers. I haven't posted in WEEKS, and for that I am truly sorry. I've got a lot of material to cover, so I'll just get started.

The choir trip to Orlando? Awesome. Stressful, and too estrogen-filled at times, but much much better than school.

Honor Choir? More than awesome. I SO love being in a space with like-minded people, making incredible music. These people get that music isn't just notes on a page or something you sing along to in the car, it's a lifestyle. It's universal expression on emotions that people normally might not even understand. It comes off the page and can move people. Music can fix people. It can change someone's whole outlook on their life or situation. In a hundred years, my great great great grandchildren probably won't remember my name, but they'll know music. Is there anything, other that God, that stretches that far? Music is eternal. I picture my life without music and it's not a happy place.

Anyway! Sorry, I tend to ramble on about things that are super important to me. Speaking of which, the new guy in my life is excellent so far (I say that, because I don't wanna jinx him). The relationship happened as a complete surprise to me, I wasn't looking for anybody to be in my life like that..it just kind of happened. He makes me happy. And I think it was about dang time for somebody that made me happy, and visa versa.


School is kicking my butt. I'm so enormously sick of doing school work that I could run and scream. RUN. AND. SCREAM. Especially English class. Let's just say my teacher and I have different opinions about, oh..EVERYTHING. I want to explain to her that I am a free spirit and cannot be contained by foolish grammar rules. I'll write, I'll write all day long. But having to concentrate on whether or not I'm in present tense or if all my sentences are "unified." I think writing should be like music, with rules but also room to run off if you're feeling like it. In my English class, I have no room. None.

In other news, I'm going to this dance thing on Saturday with my sweet best friend. I'm excited. I love to dance. I may dance a little..err..questionably, but anyone knows me knows that I am not the person that I may dance like. I've got a few friends that will dance with me, so I'm looking forward to it.

My family is as dysfunctional as ever, and I may run away one of these days. Just take off. I'd come back, of course, but it's the act of running away itself that would make me feel better.

Okay, last topic, because I have to go re-type an english paper for the aforementioned class.

Being a Christian in highschool is no easy task. How do you wittness, be an example, without being a judgemental bigot? How can you tell people what they're doing isn't right, when you're just as not right as they are? I want people to feel like they can talk to me, and I think that I've gotten that across to some people, but I'm coming up short. I'm afraid people see me as the all-knowing, all-judging Christian girl that couldn't understand anyone's problems, ever. So I'm stressing about it..but thing'll get better. I'll learn. But I'm off, thanks for reading my nonsense.

Lovelovelove.
Anna

Self examination.

There are so many situations in my life now that I don't know how to deal with.
Friends being influenced harmfully by others, friends feeling not good enough, friends looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. And these friends? I love them so so much.
Yet I'm stuck watching all these things happen, because I dont want to push them away. I feel like I can't say anything without making myself seem like I know it all.

Fact- I know very little. I don't know things like: how to help my own friends.
Everything seems tense when I'm with my friends, because I'm holding my tongue most of the time.

Because I know I'm far from perfect, which brings me to my title topic.

So a few days ago, a friend of mine really hurt my feelings with just a snide, offhand remark. She probably doesn't even realize it bothered me at all. When I was in bed that night, I cried and thought of all the hateful things I could say to her. I thought, "well, she doesn't consider how she makes me feel, maybe I should just do the same."
As I kept on with that line of thinking, I remembered the "don't go to bed with anger in your heart." verse. So I prayed about it, and I felt somewhat better. But man, I still had anger in my heart. So much.

I feel like I can't convey my feelings to my closest friends sometimes, because we're all in such different places. I think they won't be able to understand the way I feel about things, because they don't feel the same way. And I'm afraid they feel the same way about me. We end up being stuck in a no-communication zone.

Maybe this is a phase I'm going through that I just have to fight through. But what if it is the way things are gonna be?
What if because I haven't had certain things happen to me, or not happen, I'm going to be unable to talk to my friends for forever without feeling looked down on or patronized? What if they can't ever talk to me?
I don't know how I'll handle that at all.

It gets to be a bit much to carry around with you.

This goes back to my first paragraph..my friends think that because I haven't been in the same places they're in, that I don't deserve to offer
any kind of advice. So I'm stuck in silence, watching them turn into people they never wanted to be, because I don't "understand." Which is how I feel around them.
Maybe I don't understand, but you don't either. You're my friend and it just isn't right.
I think we should all drop this pretense of knowing everything. If we could just shutup about our differences and start getting to what really matters- our friendship, being there for each other, being the Phillipians 1:3 friends we used to- then we'd stop not understanding, and start helping.

I want to listen, and I want people to hear me.
But right now, I'm not in either of those positions. Because everyone, myself included, around me is always on defense about their life. Ready at the drop of a hat to yell why they're right and you aren't. Why are we yelling in the first place? Can we have democracy instead of eight dictators at one lunch table? So we can all hear and be heard? God knows we all have things to say, and things that need to be said to us. I think it's possible to accept advice without seeing it as a personal attack and retaliating as such.

I just thought I'd share that part of what is going on in my brain today.

Always and always,
Anna

Blogging via compter..

Which is very rare.
So, I haven't blogged in a few days..and I was just thinking: there are several things that get on my nerves severely that I don't usually make note of. Thus, I'm going to make a list. These are in no particular order.

Things I dislike:

1.) When people misuse "your" and "you're." They are NOT interchangeable, regardless of popular use as such.

2.) When two people, after dating a few days, are all over each other's facebook wall saying things like "I love you baby girl, so much, your (yes, used incorrectly) my whole world. Baby girl, your (!) amazing. I can't breathe without you, baby girl."
and "Sweetie love, you're my sunshine and I can't imagine ever ever being without you for a single second, baby. Baby I love you sooooooooooo much and I always will, baby, forever and ever!"

This makes me roll my eyes. One- you've only been dating a week, you aren't married. Two- Using the word "love" so much takes away the sincerity of it.
I wish people would just stick to texting, and keep that nonsense off my news feed.

3.) Bullies. This is self- explanatory, I think.

4.) When someone texts ME first, then expects ME to be the one to keep the conversation alive. If all you can say is "yeah," "K," and "lol." I won't be texting back. Maybe that makes me hateful, but that's life.

5.) People that "diet." The reason "diet" is in quotation marks is because I'm talking about the fake kind of diet. The kind that people claim to be on, but then continue to eat everything they want. I'm not sure why this irks me, but it does. Eat what you want, fine. But don't talk every day about the "diet" you're on. Again, not sure why this bothers me. Perhaps I'm too sensitive.

6.) Sideways peace sign - kissy face pictures.

7.) Pictures so edited that the subject looks like just a blurry outline.

8.) Extremely perverted guys. No, I will not send you a picture of me in my bra. Go screw yourself.

9.) Douche bags in general. This covers a wide area,.

10.) People that argue with nothing to back up their statements.

11.) People that treat me like I'm seven years old.

Now! For a list of things that I love!

1.) Riding with my windows down on a pretty day.

2.) Sunshine.

3.) Cherry Coke/Dr. Pepper.

4.) Singing the songs that come on my ipod in my car like I'm on stage in front of thousands of people. Also, music in its entirety.

5.) Skipping/ generally being hippie-ish.

6.) Lipstick. I own over fifteen different colors. Think I'm playing? Makeup as a whole is just super fun for me, I love it.

7.) Talking to people that actually care about what I have to say.

8.) Laughing until I can't breathe properly.

9.) Using big/intelligent words. Like conflagration or poignant.

10.) Making people laugh/ entertaining people whichever way I'm feeling at the time.

11.) Being on stage. It's a high.

12.) People that text back quickly. It makes me feel important.

13.) YOU, who is taking the time to read all this. You're pretty awesome.

But I really should be working on my science fair project..which is due tomorrow morning. Lovely.

Lovelovelove,
Anna

P.S. The reason I say "love" three times at the end of my posts is because if you say something three times, it means that it's completely true and for forever. <3

I'm a little hoarse..and not the Shetland Pony kind.

So I'm sick. Literally this time! I have a cold that refuses to leave. I've been unable to talk normally since Sunday.
Since I can't speak my thoughts, I shall blog them.

Today was one of those days when I wore a hole in my tongue from biting it so frequently. I had so many hateful things in my head today.. it was revolting. Everything anyone said, the nasty little voice in my head had something to say back.
As was aforementioned in my most recent post, I'm very small. So instead of fighting physically, I use a much more trained weapon. My tongue.
I can cut people into tiny little pieces in seconds. I can lash out and make it hurt just like I'd punched you. I'm not proud of this characteristic of myself, I'm only acknowledging it. I've gotten better than I used to be, I don't hurt people nearly as much as I used to.

I remember I was at camp about six years ago...it was about Wednesday of camp week, and I had a headache. I lay down and said I wouldn't be going to the lake with the rest of my cabin.
So I was in my bed, appearing to be asleep..when I hear the girls talking about me.
One of them goes "Why is she so mean?"
Until this point in my life, I hadn't realized how hateful I was. I thought I was just being funny, and people were just dealing with it.
That day I cried myself back to sleep, horrified at the thought of being worse than the bullies that tormented me regularly. I WAS a bully, and I hadn't even noticed.

So I started trying to watch my words. Regardless, as I got older, my knack of speaking without thinking became more practiced.

Now I have to conciously force my mouth closed. Some days are easier than others.
But I'm not that person. The one that hurts others for fun. So I live with a sore on my tongue.

...

My life is so routine lately. Today, I even noticed that I ALWAYS go to the same stall of the bathroom at school. Always. The one with "Go Green" written on the toilet paper dispenser; where the opposite wall used to say "Jerri Faye is a slut" but got cleaned off over the summer. The comments under that ("yeah, she is!" "agreed!") were written in pen, so they remain.
How sad is that? I can't even mix up my life enough to change stalls.
Sigh.
Wake up, shower, drive to school, stop at a) gas station for a Starbucks mocha frappachino and a Nature Valley sweet & salty bar..or b) McDonalds for a number five with a coke, please. School. After school (showchoir, academic bowl, ballet, dancing, or voice practice depending on the day of the week.) dinner, tv, bed.

Yeah, I'm cool.
So mix up my boring life and comment.
It's time for my pillow to get some head.

-Anna

Skin deep.

People think that skinny people aren't self-concious about their bodies. Lies.
People think naturally tiny people have no right to express any dislike about their size.
Also a lie.

This is the silent side of weight discrimination, and I'm about to bust it wide open.
You ready?

I weigh 93-98 pounds, depending on what day it is. I'm 5'2", and I've never been 100% good with my body.
Unlike larger girls who are uncomfortable with their shape, skinny girls are bullied into silence. Big girls get books, tv shows, inspirational talks given about them and their struggle accepting themselves.
Skinny girls, however, have nothing. We say one word about disliking our bodies, and the world turns on us. "Oh my gosh, shut up. Like you know anything about hating your body." "Whatever, I would kill to look like you."

The biggest myth about being skinny is that it makes life easier. Wrong. Underweight girls face just as many social, consumer, and health problems as overwreight girls do. If not more so. In order to make the overweight percentage of the female population feel better about themselves, society has started turning on skinny girls.
Talk show hosts have whole segments on why it's better to have curves, quotes like "nobody likes a skeleton" and "men want something to hold on to, not a toothpick" fill the Internet like a plague.
This method of dealing with overweight stigma is punishing the more hidden side of the situation.

Since everyone's general opinion is that skinny girls should shut up and be happy with themselves, we're forced into a suffering silence. Unable to express our emotions because of everyone else's preconceived notions.
Notions like:
They should just eat more if they want to be bigger.
At least they can wear what they want.
Etc..when in reality, those statements are totally false. But because the percent of overweight women is increasing, the skinny side is growing more and more surpressed and bullied.

So, in a nutshell. Don't make assumptions, don't belittle others' battles, and don't wish yourself skinny.

Over and out.
Comment!
-Anna

Oh baby, baby it's a wild world.

Sometimes, I cry with no reason at all.
Bear with me here, I promise this isn't another depressed post. Honest.

But seriously. I'll be totally fine, get in bed, and cry my eyes out. And when it's over, I think, "now why did I do that?"
If you're anything like me, you're worried at this point.
Maybe it's just that I'm an emotional person. I always have been, it's not a surprise. Maybe it's hormones, or maybe it's just my body reacting obviously to my issues that aren't so obvious. Either way, it's strange.
Now since I have such extreme emotions, I also can be overly happy. My sex drive is also quite ridiculous, but we don't have to get into that.
My point is- I'm a little person with a lot going on.
Maybe crying occasionally is just superfluous emotion coming out.

But other than that, life is good. I'm happy with God, I'm generally happy with my friends. They're pretty awesome.
We goofed off at Walmart today.

Which brings me to another one of my most blogged about topics: the future. *dramatic music*

I don't know what I want to do with my life, not really. I kind of have a vague notion of helping people, but that's as far as I've gotten. I'm scared to leave my friends.
Yeah, I said it. I'm a baby who doesn't want to be alone. Give me a break, my friends are in the top five on my Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me list.

But that's all my thumbs can take today.
Xoxo,
Anna

Oatmeal Cookies.

I realize I just did a post, but I still have more in my brain.

Oatmeal cookies are the stuff. The kind with the cream on the inside? Yeah, they're fantastic. I could eat a whole box.
On the subject of me eating, I lost two inches in my waist. For NOTHING. Now I know I should be grateful for my fast metabolism, but it gets a little tiring. Pretty soon I'm going to be like Oscar from the Proud Family show- I'll turn to the side and dissapear from sight.
I should start working out again. You know, I used to have muscle mass. Forreal. But then, alas, I got lazy. So here I am. With my Oatmeal cookies.

The guy I mentioned previously? Well, he reminds me way too much of what it was like to be in the seventh grade. And I hated seventh grade.
But he means well.

I wish the super bowl would be over, so a new episode of Glee could come on.

Earlier today, I asked my friend: "If I wanted to go be a teacher in South Africa, what would you do?"
She said, "Not let you go."
So that was that.

I want to go to the Holy Land for my senior trip. That would be amazing. But I don't think my parents would let me go.
In fact, they wouldn't. I just asked.

Bahh. They'll change their minds.

I haven't heard from my All State audition yet. I really, really would like to make it. That would be really nice. *knocks on wood*

But I'm really done writing for today now.
Honestly.
TTFN.
Anna

Whistle For The Choir.

So I went to a thing called Disciple Now this weekend with my youth group. It was frustrating at times, because I felt like some of the other people in my group weren't taking it all seriously. Which I was.

I think of myself as reasonably mature regarding most situations. Christianity is one of those things. I don't feel the need to goof off during sermons or testimonies, unlike some of the others in my youth group. I mean, if you start being disrespectful during worship around me, you might just catch a Bible to the face.

Anyway, frustration aside, it was a good weekend. The last night, the speaker talked about dying to our own plans, and that really got to me.

I was sitting there in the pew and, don't laugh at me, I had this vision/daydream thing. I was on stage, and I couldn't sing. It was gone. Now, I've had this dream before, but it has always been while sleeping. But not this time.
So in my brain, I was there onstage. I had nothing. I looked at God and said "But my voice is all I have!" and God went "No it isn't."
And then I was back in the pew. Maybe I've gone legitimately psycho, who knows. But I realized I've been basing my whole life on my voice and where it would take me, not on what God wants. So that was one of my eye-opening moments.

Another was that I have the best friends in the world. When I went up to the altar to pray, one of my friends from school came and knelt beside me. I held her hand and started to pray for her out loud. Who knows if she heard me or not..
But it made me think of the first time one of my friends prayed for me out loud. It was so humbling, listening to her petition God on my behalf. I still cry thinking about it.
So Michelle, if you're reading this? I love you.
My point is- who can say that they have that? Who can say they pack their Bibles when they go for a sleep over with their best friends? I can. Thanks God.

I've also realized that I've been basically slapping God in the face with my whole "I was supposed to have fallen in love by now, God, duh." mindset. It's God's time, not mine.


Okay, I'm sorry this was so long..I just was feeling it.
And now...to lighten the mood..
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
...No idear.

And with that, I'm out.
Lovelovelove.
Anna