Dear God, what have I become?

Bahhh. It's been a very, very long day. So I shall start at the beginning. But stick around, the end gets interesting.

It started out a good day. I got McDonalds and everything. I made a better-than-I-thought-I-would grade on my A&P test. Then I go with the choir to sing at the nursing home down the road from the school. The old people were adorable.
Good day so far.
We get back, I go to English, flirt a little with the guy I've liked for years (make note of this: mention of him recurrs later on.), and get a zero on my homework. It's still a good day. Fast forward: Lunch, Choir, then to Math, then Spanish.
In Spanish, my teacher makes a comment towards me about how this guy and I would be cute together. Awkwardness.
So I've made it through the school day, and it's still being classified as a good day.

Now I go run errands with my girl Kristi, we meet up with another friend and the aforementioned "this guy," who also goes by Matt. We go to McDonalds and play in the play place. Still, good day. Bordering on very good day.

We go to the game, goof off. Then we start taking about guys (or with Matt, girls). I say something about the previously mentioned "guy I've liked for years.", Matt goes "Gosh, you're like in love with him."
In my brain I say, "Only since the seventh grade.", but outside I just go "Yep."
He says, "I mean, you know you have like no chance with him."


Bad day.
He said some other stuff after that, but I didn't really hear it. Isn't it crazy how one sentence can send your brain off a cliff? Instantly my head goes, "He's right. God, Anna, you're pathetic. Liking someone for YEARS that you have no chance with."

Kristi, sweet Kristi, gets her serious "Shut up, you've hurt her feelings." face out. Then Matt just gets up and leaves. I don't go after him, cause my feelings were, in fact, hurt.

After five minutes, Matt (who still hasn't come back) sends me a text with like a million "sorry"s. I call him, and ask him where he is. He's at Quizznoes. Like a mile away.
Apparently, he runs when he gets mad at himself. He starts apologizing again, saying he feels like an asshole. I tell him to get his butt back to the game..

He does.
At first he won't talk to me, but then he continues to tell me what a jerk he is. I tell him I forgive him, and I do. It was adorable how upset he was that he upset me.
But driving home? I cried. Not because of what he said, but of how true it was. I really am pathetic. Desperate. Idiotic.
What, am I really that dumb?
To think that the quarterback of the football team, the funny, smart, sexy guy would like me?
No. No, I am not that stupid. I've learned to live in reality. I've had to.

If Matt knew how what he said got in my brain and wreaked havoc, he'd prolly hit himself in the face. Which I don't want at all. He's such a good guy. He'd never intentionally say anything to upset me.

Again, it's not what he said. It's everything. I delude myself into thinking that this guy likes me, and it hurts a little to have reality shoved on you.

I prayed about it, aloud, on the way home. I basically told God that I didn't have any idea what comes next. And I still don't.

I'm about to do my devo and then sleep. Maybe I'll get some kind of revelation in the night. Then again, maybe not.

Until then,
Anna