I'm a little hoarse..and not the Shetland Pony kind.

So I'm sick. Literally this time! I have a cold that refuses to leave. I've been unable to talk normally since Sunday.
Since I can't speak my thoughts, I shall blog them.

Today was one of those days when I wore a hole in my tongue from biting it so frequently. I had so many hateful things in my head today.. it was revolting. Everything anyone said, the nasty little voice in my head had something to say back.
As was aforementioned in my most recent post, I'm very small. So instead of fighting physically, I use a much more trained weapon. My tongue.
I can cut people into tiny little pieces in seconds. I can lash out and make it hurt just like I'd punched you. I'm not proud of this characteristic of myself, I'm only acknowledging it. I've gotten better than I used to be, I don't hurt people nearly as much as I used to.

I remember I was at camp about six years ago...it was about Wednesday of camp week, and I had a headache. I lay down and said I wouldn't be going to the lake with the rest of my cabin.
So I was in my bed, appearing to be asleep..when I hear the girls talking about me.
One of them goes "Why is she so mean?"
Until this point in my life, I hadn't realized how hateful I was. I thought I was just being funny, and people were just dealing with it.
That day I cried myself back to sleep, horrified at the thought of being worse than the bullies that tormented me regularly. I WAS a bully, and I hadn't even noticed.

So I started trying to watch my words. Regardless, as I got older, my knack of speaking without thinking became more practiced.

Now I have to conciously force my mouth closed. Some days are easier than others.
But I'm not that person. The one that hurts others for fun. So I live with a sore on my tongue.

...

My life is so routine lately. Today, I even noticed that I ALWAYS go to the same stall of the bathroom at school. Always. The one with "Go Green" written on the toilet paper dispenser; where the opposite wall used to say "Jerri Faye is a slut" but got cleaned off over the summer. The comments under that ("yeah, she is!" "agreed!") were written in pen, so they remain.
How sad is that? I can't even mix up my life enough to change stalls.
Sigh.
Wake up, shower, drive to school, stop at a) gas station for a Starbucks mocha frappachino and a Nature Valley sweet & salty bar..or b) McDonalds for a number five with a coke, please. School. After school (showchoir, academic bowl, ballet, dancing, or voice practice depending on the day of the week.) dinner, tv, bed.

Yeah, I'm cool.
So mix up my boring life and comment.
It's time for my pillow to get some head.

-Anna