Adult Anna

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote! I probably should have been writing this whole time, it may have helpe me maintain my sanity. At least a little bit.

My family is sort of in chaos, but not even the normal kind.
But I'll get to that in a second.

Senior year has flown. I find myself having little panic attacks when I look at the "countdown to graduation" thing on every white board at school. So much change should not be forced on a person all at once, if you ask me. I'm scared about it. Excited. But mainly freaked out.

No one warns a person how much they have to grow up. You don't sit down with your five year old and say "Now honey, you're going to be forced into situations and making decisions that you just aren't ready to make here in a little while. Get ready!"
Nope. I never got that speech, though I should have. Being a grown up is tiresome.

Why are you having to act grown up? , you may ask. So here I go, with the first thing I mentioned.
Family chaos.

Last week, my brother had a reaction or something that resulted in him having a seizure or something similar. Dear Lord, that was the most scared I have ever been. I hope I never feel that helpless ever again, though I know that is a vain hope. He was on the floor and I couldn't get him up.
For those of you who know me, you know that I'm the one who gets people up. That's just the way I am.

But I couldn't this time. Everything in my brain just shut off. It was like the twilight zone. I don't even remember screaming, but I must have because mama and daddy came running in. Then I just shrunk back into the other room and cried. Thomas is all better now, but with no thanks to me.

Then later that week, my grandaddy had a stroke. This man is my favorite. And I've always been his favorite, even if he never said it out loud. And now he's probably about to leave me and I know I can't handle it, so God's gonna have to carry it all for me. I've had to wear a brave face, because when I start crying it turns into hysteria pretty fast. Then every one else is crying, and nothing is accomplished. So I keep my tears to myself, like a grown up is supposed to. My grandaddy has been sick for so long, I know he's ready to go hang out with Jesus. But I'm not ready for him too. Neither is my grandmama or my dad. So these next few days or weeks is gonna be mostly for us.

I could go on about how short life is, and how sad it all can be. But that wouldn't be very grown up of me.

Before all this chaos, though, I went to New York. I'll never forget any of it, the whole trip was a blessing. I got a new car recently, and I have people all over that love me. Not everything has been all darkness and rain, not at all. So don't leave with that impression. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Until next time though,
Counting my blessings,
Anna.