New Ways To Fall Apart.

Wow, it has really been a while hasn't it? Two months, really.

And what a two months they've been. I've officially graduated high school. No more familiar faces in the classroom, on campus. It's all new territory from here on out.
I'm not as scared now as I was. I woke up the morning after (or the next morning after that, rather) and realized that the world hadn't actually ended like I thought it would. My friends still loved me, my boyfriend wasn't gone. I was the same as I had been the day before, only with a diploma.

I wonder when (or if) I'll be able to look around my life and go "Here. This is it. This is where I was supposed to end up."
Does that moment happen? Is there fulfillment in any of it? At what point do you start looking back instead of stressing over what's in front of you?
How much change can a person go through before the desire to settle in anything, anywhere, is gone completely?

But I have changed. Not in the ways I had expected to, but changed nonetheless. I am not wise, nor do I think I'll ever really be, but I'm wiser than I used to be. It took everything crashing at once for me to realize that I wasn't standing quite as tall as I'd figured.

I miss my granddaddy all the time. The first time I drove out to his house after he'd died I couldn't make myself go in the door. I had to leave. Once I'd made myself go in the house, rounding the corner to the living room made me feel like I was going to faint. I know everyone deals with loss, but he was supposed to be invincible. You know? Bigger than everything else. Now that he's gone, the things that seemed big aren't really anymore.

Like graduation. It seems a little anti-climatic now that it's in the past. I cried during the whole thing, but I didn't cry about it afterward. I'm gonna miss parts about high school, for sure. But I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with the fact that if I'm alive on August 15th, I'm going to be moving into college. I just am.

But as for now? I'm happy. I have beautiful friends. A limitless (sort of, anyway) future. A boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and a Savior that already has all the cards.

So here's to the next two and a half months, and me filling them with as much love of life as I can muster.

Thanks for reading,
Love,

Anna