Runner.

I don't have a song to write you,
And I don't have the right words to say.
Most of me tried to fight you,
Now I just want you to stay.

They say the best things in life are surprises,
Plans never work anyway.
Despite all my schemes and devices,
Now I just want you to stay.

Pretend with me now, for a moment.
Keep, with me, the future at bay.
Try as I might to control it,
Now I just want you to stay.

Tell me the things that I'm scared of,
Chase all the thinking away.
Forgive me the faults I'm aware of,
For now, I just want you to stay.

Stay with me here, for this second.
We'll figure the next when it comes.
Smile with me here, til tomorrow.
And I'll break my instinct to run.

The Best I Ever Had.

Hey there, you lovely readers. You're all looking especially fantastic today.

The past few months, weeks have been crazy. So busy. Once school started back everything got really serious really fast. My grades, choir music, college preparation. It all sort of came tumbling down.

For example. At the moment I've got about seventeen songs that I'm in the process of learning. Eleven of those are for honor choirs. Speaking of that..I GET TO GO TO NEW YORK IN A FEW WEEKS. I cannot express how excited I am.
All-State honor choir tryouts are a week from this Thursday. I'm not ready. My rythms are off, and my German is not even mediocre. Hopefully Jesus will be smiling on me that day.

We got report cards the first week back at school, and I kind of had a mini panic attack. C's don't look so bad to some people, but for the girl who is supposed to graduate with honors and get academic college scholarships? They look pretty bad. I keep thinking any minute I'm going to get called into the office and the principal is going to tell me that he's so sorry, but they're revoking my National Honors Society presidency, my "Most Likely to Succeed" award, kicking me off Scholars' bowl, and making someone else Star Student.
That fear hasn't become reality yet. And it won't. Thankfully, I got a new math teacher. The last one was a super sweet woman, but I had no idea what she was saying the whole semester. I was un-learning things in that class. With the new woman teaching I've already made a ton of good grades. The next progress report will be better.

Last night I had a nightmare that I went to Ole Miss thinking I was in the Honors College. I went to my first honors class, and sat down. It was so cool. Then halfway through his lecture, the professor stops, points at me, and goes "Wait. What are you doing here?? You didn't get all of your teacher reccomendations in! Get out!" 
So I did. Everyone laughed.
Then I woke up and realized that I, in fact, didn't have all my teacher reccomendations. And the deadline was yesterday. The teacher tried to get her email in, but the server was crashed. Probably by the rest of the other procrastinating, loser, smart-people wannabees trying to get their stuff in last minute. I just have to trust that I'll end up where I'm supposed to, honors college or not.

I went shopping with my best friends today. First off, I hate shopping. I love my body until I start trying to put clothes on it. Things aren't shaped like I am. But today was wonderful. I'm gonna miss those girls so much.

I want to become more distinctive-looking when I go to college. I really don't want to get lost in the sea of people, you know? I want people to go into a store, see something, and say "that looks like something Anna would wear." Because right now, I'm just kind of in between a bunch of things. One of my biggest fears is not being myself anymore..it goes much deeper than clothing, of course, but it covers that aspect too. The thing is, I'm still working on what "myself" is.

I wanted to get my ears pierced again today. Mama said no. Surprise surprise. Ah well, it can wait a few months.

But all in all, I can't really complain about anything much. I don't have a thumbnail at the moment, which is kind of not cool, but I'm dealing with it.
I'm trying really hard to go one day at a time as much as I can. It's hard.

But I've got friends that never cease to make me laugh, a family that loves me. Comfy sweatpants, dinner in the oven. I've got a guy that treats me like a queen, and a song for every silence.

That's all for now, thanks for reading.
Love,
Anna

Delirium.

So, here I am. It is 4:28 AM and I am as wide awake as I was at noon yesterday. I had a terrible headache, and being smart, I took some medicine.

Guess which chick didn't read the side effects?
Yep. This one.

About two hours ago, when I got off the phone, I tried sleeping. It turned into that terrible looking-at-the-clock-every-minute thing. Excruciating. Minutes seemed like years. My mind was running rampant.
Not to say that it has stopped since then.

But anyway. I go and check the box of the medicine I'd taken. It claims to have "the same amount of caffeine as one cup of coffee."
I don't know what kinda coffee these folks are talking about, but it surely isn't any coffee I've ever dealt with. I am wired. And for those of you who know me, you know that sleep is immensely important in my life.
I. Love. Sleep. I could sleep for days and be satisfied. But tonight?
Not happening.

I've tried everything. Singing songs, yoga breathing, attempting to clear my mind. I got up, took my contacts out, put my retainer in. Read three chapters in the book of Matthew. Facebooked. Twittered. Tried to make myself do that almost-dream thing that usually leads to sleep.
Nothing. Nada. I find myself wondering if I'll sleep at all. I have to go get my car fixed in a few hours, after all.

She died, again. But that's another story.

There's something to be said for the things one thinks about in the early morning hours that would probably never occur to that person in daylight. For instance, I'm pretty sure I've come up with solutions to most of the issues in my life in the past year..excuse me, hours..that I've been awake.

My brother talks in his sleep, y'all. Not the funny kind where a person talks about funny things. The creepy scary kind that doesn't involve real words at all. Just a kind of moaning. Normally, this doesn't bother me. Because I am usually NOT AWAKE.
My sister just rolls around in her bed, making noises that suggest that a person is crawling through a window or something.

Also, I'm now fairly certain that there is something very fast, and nocturnal, with tiny clawed feet running around in the attic of my house. Right above my room. More specifically, right above my head. It sounds like someone rapidly ripping shingles off one at a time.
I do hope whatever it is stays up there, and doesn't decide to join me down here.

It is now 4:45. The last time I saw this number on a clock was when I had to wake up insanely early to go somewhere. I am not okay with this, if you've caught on by now. I am incredibly hungry to top it all off. But will I go get food?
No.
Because the second-to-last stair of my staircase creaks like something is dying. It would not only scare me, but wake up the household. "Why not skip that stair?" you ask. Because I would fall and bust myself.

So here I lie. Lay. Whatever. Listening to the rain and my stomach growling. About to resort to cleaning my room.
It's that serious.

I'm going to be a zombie today. Not even the cool kind, either. I might actually be forced to put on makeup to look presentable.
At least I don't have school. That's surely a blessing. But anyway, I'm going to do some more deep breathing in lieu of actual sleep. Maybe I can fool my brain into thinking the two things are the same. We'll see.

Have a good day,
Sorry if I yell at you later on.

From the pits of insomnia,
Lovingly,
Anna.

What a world.

This blog post.
This one right here?
It's about sex.

Disclaimer: My opinions, my views. You don't have to agree with me.

And now that you're paying attention, I'll begin. 
I was watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC  (I'm a fan of wedding dresses. Oh, look at this irony that's about to happen.), and I saw an advertisement for a new show called "The Virgin Diaries." That preview lasted all of two minutes, but it was enough to get me angry.
It portrayed these people as completely awkward, weird, strange losers. Because they'd chosen to not have sex before they were married.

Now I am plenty weird, strange, and awkward. But none of that has anything to do with the fact that I am a virgin.
Could our society be any more self destructive? Why would this show make sense to anyone? With so many children in America in orphanages, with such a high rate of abortion, and with my state being number one in STDs and teen pregnancy, why in the WORLD would anybody be endorsing a television show that turns a sure-fire way to avoid all of those things into a joke?

If everyone is telling everyone else that virginity is something embarrassing and something to be ashamed of, how can there be any hope?
Virginity isn't like getting your hair cut, or buying a new pair of shoes. It's a serious thing. And the media makes into something everyone's racing to get rid of.
My favorite show, Glee, lost serious cool points with me because of how they treated sex. Sex is not a right of passage, it's supposed to be an expression of love and commitment between two people.

Okay, to address a myth that this "Virgin Diaries" show seems to be expounding upon. Just because a person is a virgin, that does not at all mean that that person isn't a sexual person. Virgins aren't a seperate "breed" of person that cringe at all mention of anything over a PG-rating or think of the opposite sex as something scary. God made humans as sexual beings.
For a reason.
Not so we can run around sleeping with whoever we happen to want to, but so we can enjoy sex with our future spouses. Y'all know this, right?

So, for all the people reading this that still have it: Don't apologize for that fact. Don't be looking for ways to get rid of it. Be proud of yourself. Save your virginity for somebody who deserves it.

This isn't supposed to be a post hating on people that have sex. I'm not anybody's mama, nor am I anyone's judge. I can only speak for myself.

And that was me, speaking for myself.

Closed doors.

Closed doors don't really hide anything.
Not really.
Not from the One who sees everything anyway. Maybe they make us feel better, give us this false sense of "If I can't see it, it isn't there."
Too bad it doesn't work like that. All the pain, the misunderstanding. All the fear and worry, or whatever it is that you've got behind your closed doors? It's still there whether you can see it or not.


So why not face it? When it's all screaming at you..scream back. Fight keeping it all hidden away inside you, because that won't help either. Fight. Don't wrench open that door before you prepare yourself..put on the Armor of Christ and go to freaking town on whatever is behind your door.
Stop sitting in the hallway, wishing away all the things you've tried to keep from God. From yourself. It won't go away like that, I promise.


Not to say God will make it go away. Oh, how sometimes I wish it were that simple. But I do not belong to a simple God. Things may not dissapear. It might even get harder.
But at least you'll be able to see what you're facing. And whatever you're facing can see the massive power behind you.


Open the door.
It's scary. Trust me, I know all about scary. But God finds strength in all my weaknesses. He'll take the scary and use it. But you have to try.
I have to try, every day.


But every day I do, it's worth it.


"Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:19, 20 ESV)

I remember how You found me.

Where does the time go?

It seems that after repeating this question so many times I'd have realized that there really isn't an answer.

So why not live one day at a time? I don't mean that one shouldn't plan for the future, only that the future, and whatever it may turn out to be, shouldn't mess up our present, right?

Should the fear of what will happen stop us from acknowledging what is happening right now?

Sorry I don't make much sense. I blame the time change, it's got me all turned around.

        My weekend has been beyond words. I spent Friday with people that I love, Saturday with more fantastic people, and today hasn't dissapointed either.

It's "All Saints" Sunday in the Methodist church.

...

        I'm going to go off on a tangent for a moment and explain my denomination situation to those of you who don't know, okay?

My father is a member of the Church of Christ, and my mother is Methodist. I'm technically a member of the Church of Christ..I was baptized there (August 23rd, 2008), and I claim it. However, I'm still affiliated with the Methodist church. I go to youth there, and to the main church service with my mama occasionally.

I agree with most of the Chruch of Christ's doctrines and practices, not all, but most. But I still sing in the Methodist church's choir when I go there. Mixed up? Not really. I'm more of a melting pot of the two denominations.

But anyway!

...

All Saints Sunday.

        A day of remembering the people from the Church who have passed away and are now saints. I think that as soon as a person becomes a Christian, that person is a saint. But I still am okay with the idea of the Sunday.I cried, of course. I'm an emotional type person. I see people crying and I cry. I can just think of someone crying and..yep, you guessed it. I'll cry.

       My emotions get ahead of my brain sometimes. That's why I'm so afraid of relationships or making important decisions. But I digress.

     The naming of my brothers and sisters in Christ who had gone on to see Him just got to me. But I think of what joy Heaven will be! No worries, no second guessing. All Jesus, all the time. That feeling I get when I'm praising super hard? It'll be there times forty, for forever. I'm pumped.

        People won't be stressing about the government, other people, or anything else because there won't be any stress at all. For someone like me who makes everything a big deal in her head, that's a phenomenal thing to look forward to.

But I'm realizing more and more lately that I can have a glimpse of Heaven on this earth. When I can see God at work everywhere, it's pretty mind blowing.

       I'm gonna brag on somebody here, you know who you are. I've seen this guy come from being lost and stumbling around, to being so on fire for Almighty God that people can't help but to notice. He's taking hardships from his peers and from his family and he's still doing the very best he can.

Inspiration, right there. Seeing someone so devoted to taking up his cross every single day? I mean.

Winning.

        How can you not see God in that? What other explanation is there? None. All the unexpectedness of life that turns into greatness..just another example of every good and perfect thing coming from God.

So when unexpected things happen, look for God. He's got it figured out, even when we don't.

Looking,

Anna

Halloween Eve

What a week, though.

I've aways been the kind of person who feels everything too much. Hurt, affection, anger. I wear my heart too close to my skin some days, other days it's almost impossible to get to. I'm difficult.
I'm going to New York. New York City, with the American Honors Choir. I wrote about this a while back. But now it's actually happening. I'm extatic, of course..but I'm acting really strangely about it.
My first thought after I got over the initial excitement? "Oh, well. It must not be that big of a deal if I made it. Maybe they let everyone in. Or maybe they just wanted diversity..I'm probably the only one from Mississippi and all.

I always do that. I remember when I made the Southern Division Honor Choir..when I got the letter I thought "Oh well. That's weird. Maybe they aren't really that specific about who they let in." Now my parents are telling everyone they come in contact with that I made this new choir..and everyone's fussing about it. And I kinda want to tell everyone it isn't that huge of a deal.
Doesn't that just not make any sense at all? I like attention, I'm not gonna lie. I like being on stage, and I like people thinking that I'm talented. So I don't understand why when people brag on me, I want to hide?
Strange.

I mean, not that I've ever claimed to be anything else.

Tomorrow is Monday again, it always does roll around eventually. I'll take it with a smile. I've got a lot of explaining to do about my weekend, but I'm ready to see my beautiful friends.
I'm in one of my poetic moods, where I listen to my Indie, singer/songwriter music and I drink hot chocolate. I watch old musicals and sing along.

It's a good day. I'm breathing, my God is alive. Thanks to all you cool people who keep reading my ramblings.

Lovelovelove.
Anna