Journal Entry.

7/31/11

"Back home. Having my phone seems so odd now.

I miss it already, but real life is back. I can't fight it. My friends need me in the here and now, and I WILL be Christ to them.
God help me.

Hearts are such fragile little things. I spend so much time trying to protect mine, or others' from me..crazy. Why did God make hearts breakable?
And even as that came out of my pen, I knew:
So we'd run to Him when they do break. If only we could all just skip that part. The hurting part, and go straight to the finish line. How much easier! But not so. Christ didn't get to go straight from Gethsemane to back chilling with his disciples for 40 days. It has to be hard sometimes.

But people need to need me, because I'm needing God. Not because of who I am, but for who God is.

One of the things I'm conflicted about is how I'm supposed to be dealing with guys right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to be hiding, looking, expecting, distancing. What.

I'm scared of commitment. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. That I can handle. I'm just terrified of hurting other people. Guys. Breaking hearts, spirits. But I can't seem to get away from it. I try to have a friendship, and I end up hurting them. It's so messed up I kinda wanna run.

You know what would be really ironic? If I'd spent all this time avoiding relationships, only to find myself at the end of my life with no one wanting me anymore.

But I can't tell the future. Thank God. I can hardly tell the present most days.

Now, though, I'm going to sleep.
Your butterfly, who's trying out her wings,
Anna