It's me again, down here.

Again, I'm in a weird mood- for no reason at all.

As I was driving into my driveway earlier, I thought about the time I wrecked my bike and my daddy carried me all the way back to my house. Sometimes I wish life could be like that. When I wreck something, someone just picks me up and carries me. But no.
When I have wrecked plans, wrecked ideals, or wrecked relationships..there isn't anyone to carry me. Jesus is always with me, of course, and He helps. But I have to get up on my own and walk back to the starting point. Sometimes that's a lot harder than the actual wrecking part.

Speaking of wrecks, the guy I thought was perfect for me..isn't. Shocker. I don't even know what happened. Maybe the end was coming all along, and I just had my eyes closed until the last few seconds. But he had so many great things about him, I just ignored all the not great parts. And as I found out, ignoring something doesn't make it go away.

He was so mature in his faith, it was sexy. He did devotions every day, prayed, tried to seek God. Completely hot. He was funny, smart, able to hold an intelligent conversation. But he was also a flirt, had a huge ego, and didn't think I was worth explaining himself when he'd disappear for weeks. And I ignored it.

I'm mostly over it, now. I've just realized that the next time I try to give my heart to somebody, it's gonna be for real. No looking back. And that means I have to be extra careful who I throw it to. Heartbreak is a messy song that I've had to sing more often that I should've. I didn't guard my heart, and now it isn't quite as whole as it used to be. I just tend to fall fast, and hard. I don't stop and think, or question it. And that's a dangerous tendency. So I'm going to be careful this time. When God has someone for me, I think He'll give me a heads-up.

Last night I dreamed I was a mother, and my son played guitar..my daughter was still little, but she had the prettiest laugh. What I never saw was my husband..I knew (in that weird feeling you get in dreams) that I did have a husband..I just never saw his face. Freaky.

Most sixteen year old girls don't think about what their husband will be like, but I guess I'm weird like that. I have all these dreams for my life, all these hopes. Who's to say if that's all they are? I guess I'll know when I get there. Today, I'll just worry about today.

School starts tomorrow..and I don't know how I feel about it. Exited, but scared..anxious and nervous.

Tonight (well, last night. It's morning now) was fun. I went out with two of my friends. One guy, one girl. I've decided I need more guy friends; they're great.

I really should go to sleep now..my last day before junior year started about forty-five minutes ago. But first, while I'm thinking about it..

My parents are hard on me about grades. I consider myself a generally smart person. Last year I had four A's and one B. I speak intelligently most of the time, and I write a pretty good paragraph. But my parents aren't satisfied. They're already on me, and school hasn't started yet. I guess this year I should really try, since it's one of my last chances to prove myself with highschool.

And now, I'm really going to go to sleep.

Goodnight..or rather, good morning.

Love,
Anna