Random blog time.

It's been a long day. Quizzes, tests, and showchoir practice. But I'm here to blog about more important things.
Guys.

In case some of you don't know, I haven't kissed a guy.
Everyone done gasping and being shocked? Okay, then I'll move on.
That fact used to bother me, but I'm fine with it now. I don't feel like any kind of failure, or some sort of prune. I realize I could have kissed someone by now if I'd put my mind to it..but here's my thinking.

I am quite sure that when I want to kiss someone; I will. But I just haven't met somebody I want to give that too yet. Maybe people think I'm dumb for holding out, but I tend not to care what other people think.
Not to say that I haven't been in love; I have. He lived hundreds of miles away, and lied to me through his teeth, but I loved that boy. And I compromised so much for him, I'm ashamed to tell people about it. I said things to him that never should have come out of my mouth in a million years. He told me he loved me, and I believed him because I needed to. I needed to tell myself that it was okay to say what he wanted, because he loved me.
We haven't talked in over a year now, but I swear it still hurts to think about him. I believed him that much. I wasn't anything to him, but he was my everything. I feel sure that if he had lived closer to me, I would not be a virgin right now. That is how blind I was.
I say all that to say this:
I'm different now, and I don't ever want to be like that again. I don't want to get so far gone that I lose sight of who I am. I haven't "dated" anyone, because I needed to be sure of myself first.
Now that I am, I look around and I don't see anyone who stands out. I don't want stupid relationships anymore; I don't want to just fall for someone who doesn't even know where their own ground is.

People say that you should live while you're young. But since when does "live" mean "waste life"? I don't want normal. And if that means I don't kiss someone til college, then so be it. I don't want to regret anything.

When my future daughter asks me "Mama, who was your first true love?" I want to be able to look at my husband, back at her and say "He's right over there, honey."

Maybe that makes me silly.

Just to let everyone know..just because I haven't kissed a guy does not, by any means, mean that I don't think about sex. Cause I freaking do, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I'm sixteen, my brain just goes there occasionally.

Anyway, that's where I am with myself. All in all, I'm content with it.

I know my blogs are bipolar; I can't help it. In my defense, I'm on my period and mood swinging.

That's all for now.

Love,
Anna